smoke ’em if you got ’em

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i smoked cigarettes for over 27 years.  a long damn time.  i quit over 17 years ago.  cold turkey.  i’d had enough.  you smoke?  you want to quit?  cold turkey is the answer but it only works if you want to quit.  but that’s not why i’m here. i started smoking when i was in the 3rd grade.  yeah, a neighbor kid who was a year younger than i was would steal his mom’s smokes, kents, and we’d sorta smoke ’em out in the horse barn.  yeah, brilliant.  a 3rd grader and a 2nd grader in the horse barn sitting on hay with matches and lit smokes.  and you think you’re lucky.  actually the only accident we had was inside the house.  one day i put a hole in the sofa with my smoke.  it was a bright red sofa.  we were sure his mom would notice the nice new black spot on said sofa.  we took some tissue and used either red crayon or red lipstick to semi color the tissue the color of the sofa.  it matched pretty good.  we skated.  

oh, i didn’t continue smoking from that point i sorta gave it up for a time.  kinda.  those were the days back when everyone smoked.  hell, even us 3rd graders.  i mean i’d jones for a smoke at times and there were always some around.  especially after the folks had family or friends over.  there would be plenty of butts in the ashtrays or even the trash.  yeah, i was a homeless 3rd grader.  if it ever happens to me i’ll be ready for it.  shit, don’t mean nothin’ i been doing this since i was 8.  drifting.

the odd butt snipping continued off and on over the years.  by the time i was a sophomore in high school it was time to join the major leagues.  meaning buy my own smokes or split a pack with a friend or two.  they were sorta expensive, 25 cents a pack.  don’t think that just because it was the olden days buying smokes was easier.  it really wasn’t that easy until you got a bit more past 13.

my friends and i got lucky and found a gas station near by with a smoke machine in a sorta out of the way spot.  one of us would walk by it and drop 2 quarters(machine smokes always cost more)in the slot.  next guy would select the brand by pushing whatever.  3rd guy would walk by and scoop up the smokes.  this worked quite well until we were able to buy them more conventionally. 

like i said, i don’t smoke anymore but i like to watch kids smoke now a days.  i’d have to say 95% of them haven’t clue as to just how the fuck they are supposed to smoke a cigarette.  they pretend smoke.  they pretend smoke like i did when i was 8 years old.  i didn’t inhale back then.  most kiddie smokers today don’t either.  why are you smoking then?  why bother?  what’s the point?  when i was their age i was smoking pall mall reds or chesterfields and inhaling my brains out.

these kids now a days suck a bit of smoke in their mouth. hold it there for a second or two then blow it out.  you aren’t smoking a $10 cigar for christ sakes.  you are smoking a cancer stick so do it right.  do it right or stop it and stop looking like a fucking tool.  

it’s hard for me sometimes not to just walk up to them and slap the smoke out of their mouth and tell them either smoke it properly or don’t fucking bother because you look like and absolute fool doing what you are doing.  i’m serious. 

yeah, us fucking crusty old fuckers.  i guess maybe it’s they really don’t know how to smoke properly.  or maybe they tried once and they got sick and decided they didn’t like it.  but they still pretend smoke thinking they look cool.  excuse me, stupid, trust me you don’t.  getting sick the first 3 or 4 times you really smoke is part of the deal.  if you can’t handle it then don’t do it.  i mean it’s part of the addiction process.  it’s all very scientific and all.  it’s e=mc2.  capice?  good.

perhaps in all fairness it was easier for us olden agers to figure out how to smoke properly.  i mean there were our parents, relatives, family friends and most importantly famous folks.  yeah, like the ones pictured below in their infamous ads provided by my friend, dfr, who still smokes and wishes i still did.  no thanks.  enjoy the old ads.

arnold plamer.

ronnie.

actor, jack webb.

bob hope.

lucille ball.

jmh

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4 thoughts on “smoke ’em if you got ’em

    mike kamradt said:
    April 1, 2011 at 5:17 am

    One of the better bennies of going to sea was cigarettes were a dime a pack. There’d be a line of us waiting to get across the 3 mile limit so the prices would drop from a quarter.

    johnhauge responded:
    April 1, 2011 at 6:11 am

    we got them for free in vietnam. only trouble was the ‘good ones’ would gone after the first couple of hours. then it was camels or kents until the first of the next month. thanks, mike.

    Cheryl Crittenden Timmons said:
    April 1, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I quit smoking cold turkey, too, John. I agree, it’s the best way and you’re right again, you really have to want to quit. I haven’t smoked cigarettes in 30 years. I don’t understand people who still smoke. I guess knowing it’s killing you just isn’t a good enough reason to quit. I enjoyed your story, as usual:-)

    johnhauge responded:
    April 2, 2011 at 4:24 am

    thanks, cheryl. did you figure out who the neighbor was?

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