there has been much speculation as to just who, elliot john kamradt is and more to the point who his parents were. those waters are a bit murky but i’ll try and clear them up a bit. you see, i’m elliot john kamradt. though these days i go by a different name, john hauge. however, that’s jumping ahead a bit in the story.
at the turn of the 1900’s one aspect of the kamradt family that had remained hidden for more than two centuries finally made their way across the atlantic to america from either poland or hungary. things are still sketchy in that regard. suffice it to say, they remained hidden in america for the most part as well. it’s been such a long time that no one even remembers why that branch of the kamradt family chose to stay hidden from the rest of the family tree and most of society for that matter.
historical records that can be found and accessed show peter paul kamradt and his ever lovely wife, jacqueline marie bouvier-kamradt, were a handsome and fun loving couple. peter worked as a butcher in various butcher shops from new york city to detroit, michigan. though at some point in detroit peter and jackie moved away very suddenly. reasons for the move remain unknown to this day.
there is one theory about the move that relates to a string of unsolved chicken burglaries and thefts that just might be traced back to peter kamradt. though once again, the facts are sketchy and perhaps a family feud was involved relating to some family strife that began in the old country centuries before.
be that as it may, peter and jackie turned up in beaumont, ca not long after their flight from detroit. peter gave up the butcher business and started a chicken ranch in california. some wags said he brought stolen chickens from detroit to start the ranch. though none of that was ever proved to be true. gossip is just gossip, as peter was fond of saying.
once settled in beaumont peter and jackie bore two children. a daughter, ethel and much later in life a son elliot. yours truly. the kamradt bouvier chicken ranch thrived and the little family was happy in the hills of beaumont. though that would change one winter day long ago.
in one of the rarities of california life a rain storm struck and stuck around for a week or two raining buckets non stop. flooding ensued and tragedy struck the bouvier-kamradt family. while on a family trip to collect much needed supplies or as some locals still say, to steal chickens, the family was literally sweep away in a rain swollen creek sending them to the pacific miles away and their deaths. save for elliot john kamradt.
elliot was bumped from the back of the family truck and was saved from his early death. he lay on the ground crying for an hour or two when a turnip farmer happened upon him and saved little elliot john kamradt. little elliot was thrilled to say the least. but the thrill didn’t last long. he fell off the back of the turnip truck only to be saved this time by ollie and doris hauge.
ollie and doris semi legally changed elliot john kamradt’s name. how they even knew the little tykes real name is also shrouded in mystery. at any rate, elliot john kamradt thus became john hauge. simple easy. john went on to have a semi sort of life as a bon viant and is now a retired loafer of some note.
there you have it. i assure you all of this is true and thus proves by any sane reasonable doubt i am a kamradt by birth. to say otherwise would be heresy. that means you carl. michael, matt, and mr. jonny know better.