it finally dawned on lubeesia montez-monroe that her first name was stupid. it might have occurred to her sooner but she had been busy. busy with stuff. lubeesia stuff. odd crap from different times and places. totally weird crap. but not as weird as lubeesia. or her name. she went before a judge and said her name was lame and would he please change it. the judge being sort of out of sorts that day and having already dealt with the rock n roller prince and his insanity that morning the judge said ok and changed her name to, profolaxtixs montez-mondieu. ah, yes, the chances we take. can be a mistake. but amazingly not in this case.
freed from her lubeesia name profolaxtixs became a much nicer person and stopped all her weird shit. ok, most of the really strange crap but for the most part kept just enough to still be weird but not oh my god is she fucking weird i’m outta here weird. get the picture? perhaps. but for those of you who are meeting lubeesia or profolaxtixs for the first time maybe a tad of the weirdness that was once she is in order.
let’s see…she awoke one morning in singapore for why or how she didn’t know. and never did but being one to make the best of things she washed up then clipped her toenails and took the clippings and put a few of them in each corner of the room. until they were all gone. ah, there, she said. full filled. see? strange. not that strange but well, maybe stupid strange in a sort of nameless drudgery way strange.
she stayed in singapore till she woke up one day in mexico. baja to be exact. in a hotel room over looking the ocean that smelled of ass. which of course porfolaxtixs enjoyed so she stayed till she ran out of money. then she got a job and stayed a while longer. breathing deeply each and every time she went into the room. ah, ass she said. each and every time.
perhaps even stranger was the last day she spent in baja. it was morning and she had boarded a bus in ensenada which would take her to her place of employment at la bufadora, the infamous baja tourista spot. where profolaxtixs worked as an assistant to the toilet paper lady. she prepared the 4 sheets of cheap double ply paper for her boss to sell. she barely made enough to make ends meet. but she was very happy.
the bus was a bit over half way to her work place when it was stopped by 6 federales manning a road block. road blocks and federales are a common thing in baja. the strangest thing being the fact most of the soldiers were around 14 years old and wielding fully automatic AR-15’s. scary strange. the youngest one boarded the bus and shouted they were looking for lubeesia montez-monroe. oh oh.
profolaxtixs was stunned for several moments and she sat rigidly silent. the young soldier shouted his request again and punctuated this request by sending a round into the AR-15’s firing chamber. the new wrinkle made her stand up and say she was who they were looking for. all the time wondering just what the fuck was going on. she was removed from the bus blind folded and hogged tied then tossed into an armored personnel carrier and taken back to ensenada and the mexican navel base located there.
once there she was taken before the commandante still blind folded and hogged tied. she was told she had committed crimes against the state of baja. what crimes she asked through a poorly applied piece of duct tape. though in her heart she knew. strange twisted blood curdling venal sins against the poor people of baja california and humanity in general. el commandante pancho aereo-villa told profolaxtixs to shut up and go with her guards. she had no choice. she was still hogged tied.
as she was being dragged from the commanders office profolaxtixs watched as pancho aereo-villa opened a desk drawer and pulled out a small bottle of purell and cleaned his hands.
it was still very dark when profolaxtixs awoke with a start. she was wrapped up like a sausage in her bed sheets and sweating profusely. the sheets were soaked. not immediately sure where she was until the familiar smell of her hotel room filled her nose. ah, ass she said. smiling to herself she knew it had been a dream and only a dream. a bad dream to be sure but only a dream.
profolaxtixs unwrapped herself from her the sheets got out of bed and took a shower. when she was finished she clipped her toenails and fingernails. humming ‘strangers in the night’ she collected the clippings in an envelop. later that morning she would mail the clippings to the sinatra family trust. smiling to herself as she fixed the sheets she got back into bed but not before taking a huge lung full of her hotel room air. ah, ass she said.