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2014 college football picks and predictions week 9

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after another slow start for last week i ended up hitting 6 for 10, with 3 solid picks with notre dame, arizona st and missouri. had a few other teams scored a few more points in winning things would have been even better. yes, could have, should have, would have, the triple threat. none the less, my over now stands at 36 for 80. onward.

college football is in a death spiral and has been for a number of years. there is just way too much money involved and rampant greed has grabbed the college communities by the throat. from top to bottom presidents, deans, ADs and coaches care nothing more than having the money trucks deliver the cash each week. cold hard untraceable cash. screw everything else like morals or educating student athletes.

the fiasco at FSU is this weeks drama. ok, this years drama. last year it was miami(fl) and their ‘problem’ being swept under the rug and carefully taken out the backdoor late at night never to be heard from again. and not the first time either. for some reason the florida schools seem to get breaks no other schools get. ask the trojans and ohio st.

college ball is sick. very sick. maybe it doesn’t have ebola, yet, but if things don’t change beginning with the ever useless NCAA to the schools themselves, you can put money on the fact college football will bleed out and become just another reeking carcass on the side of the road of history. A bit harsh you say? i don’t think so. it’s bound to happen sooner or later. greed and the glut of TV money won’t save college ball from the likes of the stupidity coming from the state of florida. if stupidity and it’s brother, cover-ups, prevail it will be coming to your town and school very soon. count on it. if it isn’t already there. which if you want to be completely honest it’s already there.

jimbo ‘i’m clinically delusional’ fisher needs to be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. yeah, like that’s gonna happen any time soon.

life is in the way once again but in a very good way so i probably won’t be doing spreads again this time around. just straight up picks. but that may change. or not.

always remember this is for entertainment purposes only. nothing more. using any information here to gain some sort of bettors advantage would be supremely stupid. sorta like the NCAA. don’t do it. keep your wallet where it belongs. in your pocket and nobody gets hurt.

rock ‘n’ roll.

10-24 byu @ boise st. possibly a good game if only to see if the cougars can turn things around or just slip into darkness for the rest of the season. boise st is doing ok and all things being equal their win against nevada and byu losing to nevada should work into boise st taking the win. take boise st.

10-24 oregon @ cal. my beloved ducks travel to the berserkly hills for the second half of a friday night decent game double header. one of those picture in picture deals or DISH’s football thingy might be an asset this friday. cal is not as bad as they usually are however we aren’t quite into november yet where they usually sink quickly into the murk of the east bay. oregon shouldn’t have any problem dealing with cal and taking the win. QUACK QUACK!!!

10-25 texas @ kansas st. it’s probably pretty safe to say that the tigers surprised just about everyone last week with their slim win over the sooners. even with their offense falling off the face of the earth in the 4th quarter. the longhorns on the other hand seem to have found some sort of mojo and dealt the cyclones a loss and another surprise for the week. a good game but kansas st is probably too good for the horns especially at home. kansas st for the win.

10-25 alabama @ tennessee. i’ve been waiting for this one, kids. lane kiffin returns to one of the many crime scenes in his short life. will he even make the trip? coach satan told an early morning press briefing that coach kiffin has a bad case of the flu and won’t be making the trip up to tennessee for saturday’s game. coach satan said lane is dehydrated and bed ridden due to a raging fever that defies all logic and medical knowledge. the bama head coach also stated that ebola has not been ruled out despite the fact coach kiffin had not come into contact with anyone who had the disease. ah, yes, flights of fancy. though one has to wonder if he will make the trip and just what the students and vols fans have as plans for lane. the vols are pretty much dismal this year. but there will be joy in mudville if lane shows up on the sidelines, the airport, hotel or pretty much any place else in town. the vols have no shot at winning this game but a chance at redemption in making lane’s life miserable for a few days. just remember kids, no guns, no knives, brass knuckles, bare fists or anything else that might be deemed deadly. you are after all college kids so use that intelligence and make us all laugh, please. good luck, lane. you made the bed now sleep in it. the tide rolls on take em.

10-25 mississippi @ lsu. what a difference a couple of losses makes for lsu. riding high in september shot down in october(with apologies to old blue eyes). ole miss is on one of those missions that only come along every once and a while. hopefully, they ride it out and into the big dance. the tigers get to play spoiler something they’ve done in the past on numerous occasions. ole miss and the mission continue.

10-25 michigan @ michigan st. big blue is floundering. although with a new coach they did manage a win last week at home. the spartans at home are always tough especially with the state of michigan bragging rights on the line. big blue on the road rebuilding mid year? not against state. take the spartans.

10-25 mississippi st @ kentucky. kentucky is winning some but they run up against the bulldogs and another one of those team mission things which won’t be decided here but down the road a piece. mississippi st, simple as that.

10-25 ohio st @ penn st. penn st seemed to be turning things around up until they hit the hard reality of their schedule. reality gets even more real at home this week against the buckeyes. ohio st for what should probably be an easy win.

10-25 usc @ utah. the PAC(8)(10)12 internal bashing continues. the winner here probably shuts the other out of things or maybe not with the way the bashing has been going. two good teams with the trojans on the road up into some colder weather. socal homer sticks with the trojans. FIGHT ON!!!

10-25 arizona st @ washington. the sun devils continue to win the games they have to win. the trees last week were just another example of that. their only loss was the shellacking the bruins dealt them. the huskies at home have alays been trouble. depending on the points this one will be a good one to take a long look at. the huskies play tough but arizona st wins it.

another week in the books. the bells are tolling for college football. will college football man up, as the saying goes, and deal with their many problems? in a forthright manner? or continue to pretend all is well in the halls of ivy and college ball. we’ll just have to wait and see. i’d advise against holding your breath. enjoy the games and your weekend. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 8

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last week would have been a much better week if i had not used the spreads. not that the previous week was so bleeding stellar by any stretch of the imagination. it just goes to show that the grand palaces out in the nevada desert aren’t built by folks winning money. over the years vegas has become known more as ‘last wages’ here in socal. but that’s for another time.

week 7 saw me go 4 for 10. i had a few more winners but they couldn’t manage to beat the spread. a sad tale. so, the over all now sits at 30 for 70. yeah, pretty crappy. a long row to hoe if i’m going to be anywhere near 50% this season.

the long trip into michelin star darkness continues. yes, it’s difficult but some one has to do it. with that being said, i don’t really have the time to deal with the point spreads this week. however, i may change my mind. we’ll see. ok. i found some time so i’m doing the spreads this week.

just remember this is for entertainment purposes only. obviously. if you’re trying to find some sort of bettors edge in this insanity you are in the wrong place, my friend. leave your wallet in your pocket, where it belongs and nobody gets hurt.

rock ‘n’ roll.

10-16 utah @ oregon st. utah favored by 1.5 points. slim oddsa nice thursday night offering here for couch sitting, pizza and whatever trips your trigger washing down wise. the pac(8)(10)12 continues to beat upon each and the outcome is a bit shady but we’ll just have to wait and see where it leads. from this pac homer’s seat it doesn’t bode well. but…both teams have had an extra week to thrown something together for the thursday night beat down. i like the utes in this one even on the road into what will probably be a wet weekend on the west coast. take utah for the win and cover.

10-17 fresno st @ boise st. boise st favored by 15.5 points. just when you think the bulldogs have thrown something together like a nice winning streak the wheels fall off the grape truck. as for the broncos they seem to have things a bit more together even with only one more win. it’s not summer anymore, thankfully. i’m taking boise st for the win at home and to cover the points..

10-18 notre dame @ florida st. florida st favored by 12 points. the unbeaten noles take on unbeaten touchdown jesus at home. for the most part i’ve been trying to avoid having anything to do with the florida school this year. unless you’ve been living under a rock you can figure out why. it’s all about what’s wrong with college ball pretty much everywhere as the domers have issues as well. sadly, most schools do. the noles issues may be coming to a head this week if i remember correctly something i read. winning at any price/cost has gotten way out of hand. the ADs, deans and the NCAA need to be a little more pro-active when it comes to the criminal element in college ball. be that as it may, this will probably be a very good football game. one where we’ll see if the golden domers are really for real this year. i’m picking notre dame for the win and or to get inside the 12 points..

10-18 texas a&m @ alabama. alabama favored by 12.5 points. as i predicted earlier in the season once the aggies hit the for real deal schedule they wouldn’t fare well. things probably won’t be much different this week with the tide playing at home. yes, bama had their hands full with the razorbacks last week and i predicted that too. however, the tide should roll again this week. take alabama for the win and cover the spread..

10-18 oklahoma st @ tcu. tcu favored by 9 points. yes, tcu finally lost a game but did give baylor what for in a wild shoot out. the cowboys have been rolling along nicely after their opening loss to the noles. this could be the game of the week. i like the cowboys in this one. take them to get inside the points and maybe win.

10-18 kansas st @ oklahoma. oklahoma favored by 9.5 points. another solid match-up here. also probably a fun game to sit through even if you aren’t a fan of either school. similar scheduling for both teams makes this one a tough pick. it’s probably going to be a blow out or a matter of a couple of points for the winner. i’m in an oklahoma state of mind here. take the sooners for the win and to cover.

10-18 ucla @ cal. ucla favored by 7 points. the bruins did well in the heat against the ducks last week but not quite enough. this week they travel up to cal and play in the probable rain. lotus land homer native says take the bruins for the win and the cover.

10-18 stanford @ arizona st. stanford favored by 4.5 points. the sun devils sat out last week after their win against the trojans. the trees picked things up after losing to the domers. another solid match-up and probably worth sitting through if you have a DVR. i’m taking the sun devils at home for the win or at least get inside the points..

10-18 missouri @ florida. florida favored by 3.5 points. the tigers were miserable in their loss to georgia last week. and could be just as miserable this week as well. losing your best player is never a good thing. the gators are pretty much meh this year. a so so game and it has me wondering why i picked it. flip a coin. let’s see if the tigers can still win. take missouri for the win and or to get inside the points.

10-18 washington @ oregon. oregon favored by 21 points. i was going to leave the ducks out of the mix this week. but things change. actually i didn’t see the game and had clemson and boston college here instead. my beloved ducks handled the bruins quite well last week on the road. this week at home in the friendly confines of autzen stadium they get the huskies. who have a nice record so far but now things get real for them here on out. it’s a lot of points and mariota has to play the entire game. none the less take the ducks to win and cover the spread. QUACK QUACK!!!

the season wanes and the holidays loom large on the horizon. enjoy your favorite sport while you can once again this week before it’s over and you’re left scratching your head wondering where college football went. toss some lumber into the pizza oven and get creative and try not to burn the house down or end up in the ERs burn unit. plenty of dago red to be sure. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 7

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one thing is probably for certain after last weeks blood baths, the first time playoffs just might see some interesting teams showing up in the grand finale. a good thing perhaps. out with the old and in with the new. oh, how the mighty have fallen. though what actually pans out remains to be seen. the committee will have it’s work cut out for them regardless. especially if things continue veering around like they have the first half of the season.

what can you say about a week where any sane person would think without points messing things up and getting in the way of things, picking straight up winners would be a no brainer. right? yes, of course, up until the upset special steamed into town. make that, towns. another dreadful 3 for 10 week for me. ouch. one i honestly didn’t see coming. at any rate, my over all is now 26 for 60. the only place to go is up. yeah, from my keyboard to the big sports kahuna in the sky. you listening, big guy?

ok. never forget this is for entertainment purposes only. trying to find anything here as useful wagering information should be very obvious. do not do it. leave your wallet where it belongs in your pocket and nobody gets hurt. i’ll be going back to point spreads this week. the points that appear here will be what i use to determine my wins and losses for the week. hopefully, i’ll get a nice uptick in the win department.

rock ‘n’ roll.

10-9 byu @ ucf. ucf favored by 3 points. ucf favored by 3 points? i don’t get it at all. after last weeks loss to the aggies byu is probably no longer looking at any shot at the national title game. yes, the same could be said for others as well. a thursday night game against a seemingly hapless central florida squad that hasn’t done well against anyone of any significance so far this year. the cougars need to bounce back. we’ll see. take byu to win or at least get inside the spread.

10-10 washington st @ stanford. stanford favored by 17.5 points. friday night under the lights. every football fans favorite night of the week. maybe. the cougars are having one of those oops sort of years. not unlike the year i’m having. yes, they threw a nice amount of points on the board against cal but, hey, it was cal. the trees on the other hand can’t seem to pick up any steam or momentum this year. i’m probably going to be sorry but i’m taking stanford at home to get it together this week for a change. take the trees to win and cover.

10-11 texas @ oklahoma. oklahoma favored by 14.5 points. to say the longhorns are rebuilding would be an understatement so i’m not going to say it. the sooners took one to the gut last week. coming up with a sole sad safety in the fourth quarter probably won’t win you many games. just saying sooners. take oklahoma to win and cover the points.

10-11 georgia @ missouri. georgia favored by 3 points. might as well be a pick em. the tigers only miss step so far this season was against indiana. which if they run the table could hurt them. after losing to s. carolina the bulldogs have seemingly righted the ship and are cruising along. i’m on the missouri bandwagon this year. take the tigers to win or get inside the meager spread.

10-11 alabama @ arkansas. alabama favored by 9 points. the razorbacks get a shot at furthering the ebbing of the tide. an old time rivalry. arkansas at home. take the razorbacks to to at least get inside the spread.

10-11 auburn @ mississippi st. auburn favored by 2.5 points. auburn literally thumped on lsu last week. yes, the tigers offense never got the memo there was a game to be played last saturday. from what i’m hearing they spent last saturday by the pool peeling shrimp, catching rays and chasing women. actually not a bad saturday but not if you’re supposed to be playing a football game. once the bulldogs got past playing homer simpson state and roto rooter tech they have stepped up big time. i for one hope they keep things rolling. new blood, kids. new blood. one of the weeks best right here. a semi toss up and i’m taking miss st to win or get inside the points.

10-11 tcu @ baylor. baylor favored by 10.5 points. we get to see which team is for real with this match-up. baylor can put some points on the board but they really haven’t come up against anyone like the horned frogs so far this year. with that being said tcu may not win but they’ll get inside the points.

10-11 ole miss @ texas a&m. texas a&m favored by 3 points. is there some sort of odds conspiracy here against the mississippi schools? is ole miss for real? or not. we find out this week because i’m sure the aggies can’t wait for saturday to roll around again to set things straight. or will they? another toss up. i’m going ole miss for the win or getting inside the cover.

10-11 usc @ arizona. usc favored by 3 points. the wildcats pumped up their passing game against the ducks ravaged defense last week. usc was on the wrong side of the aisle once again in losing to arizona st. a couple of lucky bounces kept them out of the winner’s circle. time for the trojans to get it back together yet again. take the trojans for the win on the road. FIGHT ON!!!

10-11 oregon @ ucla. oregon favored by 3 points. the bruins were stunned last week by the utes. probably a let down that coach mora missed after their shredding of arizona st the week before. this week we could see the demise of my beloved ducks for the year. defensive back ups doesn’t seem to have been a recruiting priority for oregon. maybe it will be next year. but even if it is it won’t do them any good until a couple of years down the road. a killer QB with the speed of secretariat will only get you so far. you have to stop the other guy at some point. unless the ducks somehow or another picked up some juco kids on waivers the past few days i’m not seeing them for the win. the bruins bounce back. take ucla for the win or at least the cover.

half way through the season. where does it go? at any rate, we’ll see if things can get any wilder out on the fields of play this week. sure why not? if only to make it harder for the committee down the road. the brown eyed girl and i continue our journey into michelin star territory again this week. boy howdy. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 6

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at first, week 5 looked like it was going to be one of those dismal dark affairs where the only thing you have to look forward to is next week. thankfully, things turned around big time for me. by winning my last 5 games i went 6 for 10 on the week. my over all now stands at 23 for 50. yes, nothing spectacular but moving in the right direction. one week at a time.

i’m particularly proud of my missouri, air force and iowa st picks. the cyclones didn’t win but did manage to get inside the spread as predicted.

this week begins our 2014 great american road trip. the brown eyed girl and i have a road trip that’s been on the books for quite sometime. nothing anywhere near a jack kerouac road trip these days more like a mario batali sojourn with hopefully just enough tony bourdain thrown in to keep things interesting. in that i have a ton of last minute stuff to get ready and/or do i’m not using any points this week. i’ll be picking winners only with no points involved and with any luck things will be back to normal next week.

none the less, remember this is for entertainment purposes only. using anything here as some sort of betting advice would be totally stupid and extremely detrimental to your bank account. do not do it. keep your wallet where it belongs. in your pocket. and nobody gets hurt.

rock ‘n’ roll.

10-2 arizona @ oregon. thursday night under the lights. the wildcats bring their top 10 passing game into the autzen madness. both teams have had two weeks to get ready. it should be one of the best of the week and one you shouldn’t miss. my beloved ducks at home are almost impossible to beat. well, most of the time. so, set an alarm, sit back and watch a couple of explosive teams blowup the scoreboard. or that’s the hope. take the ducks for the win. QUACK QUACK!!!

10-3 utah st @ byu. the cougars just keep rolling along and winning. things shouldn’t be any different this friday night at home. the aggies are struggling even against lack luster schools. take byu for the win to keep their chances alive for a spot on the big dance dance card.

10-4 alabama @ ole miss. ole miss is playing well but they haven’t played anyone near as good as bama so far this year. if i were using the spreads this week this one would be worth considering taking ole miss depending upon what the spread might be. however, that isn’t an option here this week. take alabama for the win.

10-4 utah @ ucla. the bruins put some points on the board against a pretty good arizona st team last week. i imagine they’ll do the same again this saturday. maybe. as of this writing game time hasn’t been determined. with any luck it will be a night game as the doppler gang are predicting triple digit temps for the lotus land area for the weekend. not the best weather for football. take the bruins for the win.

10-4 arizona st @ usc. the sun devils should feel right at home this saturday when they hit the field at the coliseum along with the predicted sweltering heat. another to be determined start time. once again hopefully it’s a night time game if only to get a few folks into the seats. take the trojans for the win. FIGHT ON!!!

10-4 iowa st @ oklahoma st. wags were predicting baylor was going to throw 70 on the cyclones last week. it didn’t happen. iowa put some of their own on the board as well. another game to consider depending on what the spread is. the cowboys should win but it would be tempting to take iowa st and the points regardless. no points so take oklahoma st for the win.

10-4 texas a&m @ miss st. the aggies were almost embarrassed at home last week by arkansas. the new johnny football pulled one out of the hat in over time. misssippi st is a better squad than the razorbacks and they put the hurt on lsu. the bulldogs at home. good running game and a solid defense. i’m still not on the a&m bandwagon. take miss st for the win.

10-4 stanford @ notre dame. as physical as the trees are they still had a tough time against the huskies last saturday. they travel to the golden dome this week. the domers with a few lapses in defense in the fourth quarter kept things interesting with the orange men. i’m taking touchdown jesus for the win.

10-4 lsu @ auburn. tiger vs tiger. you have to like auburn at home. take auburn for the win.

10-4 nebraska @ michigan st. i think nebraska is a better team than the spartans. even on spartan home turf. look for the huskers to literally run all over michigan st. take nebraska for the win.

a pretty good slate of games for the week. especially with the 2 early games on thursday and friday. no bbq for me this week. it’s a week all about michelin stars. yes!! a perfectly chilled dry vodka martini before dinner. then some red and white vino with dinner. enjoy your week. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

goodfellas (?)

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this first appeared here in this form back in 2007. someone actually clicked on it and read it last week. i had forgotten about it so i re-read it myself. i had a chuckle. perhaps you will too. there is some new stuff at the end. enjoy.

jmh

as dyslexic as i am it’s way too time consuming looking up words that any sane person can spell. most of the time i can’t even spell dsylexic. my mind locks and the crossed dyslexic wires fry some more synapses into tiny cinders into the early form of earwax. that’s it. it’s gotta be. where else does that crap come from? fried synapses equal earwax. so the more you drink or get loaded or the more dyslexic you are you have more earwax. where the hell else are the damn dead things gonna go? out your ass? nah, the ear canal is much closer.

just hanging out waiting for the great 07 road trip to begin. a drunken debacle in all likely hood. about time.

when i was younger i used to look like tom selleck or so some people said. frankly, i never saw it. now a days though i’ve been mistaken for leslie nielsen, a middled aged frank sinatra or just some mob hood. all of which have their moments of fun.

i was in tj with girlfriend the first time someone thought i was leslie. we were downtown in one of those mall stall things off the main drag. she was looking for a leather purse and dickering big time price wise. the guy says to me that i can afford it and just pay the money. i’m like, say what? he says sure you’re the actor leslie nielsen and you have lots of money. i just laughed and then he got pissed. oh well.

the most interesting time for the mistaken leslie id was in mainland china. yeah, go figure. on the great wall, outside beijing, just being dumb ass tourists. lots of folks out on the wall that day but most of them chinese tourists. i was getting lots of smiles and people wanted to shake my hand. yeah, sure the happy wandering american, glad handing everyone. lovely wall you folks have here. then this one guy wanted a picture to go along with the handshake. ok, why not? no ugly american bullshit here, my friend. then it’s more shaking of the hands and comments like oh, you are a great artist. bingo. the light goes on. leslie strikes again. so, of course not wanting to create some sort of bizarre international incident, in of all places on the great wall of china, i just keep smiling and posing for the odd photo here and there. to this day i’m sure my mug is up on some guy’s wall someplace in china and he tells his friends about the day, on the great wall, where he met the great american artist, leslie nielsen. go figure.

as for the middle age sinatra thing, unless the person is just a total whack job they know frank is dead. so it doesn’t get any really fun type stuff going behind it.

the mistaken mob hood is fun. i get off on that one. plus, people tend to leave you alone. which is fine by me. girlfriend and i went on a cruise this past december. after the first day i was known as the mob guy on board. people have a tendency to speak way to loud in public so if you keep even a half assed ear tuned to the passers by you hear lots of interesting shit. there were a large number of russians on board and i was ‘mr. macaroni’ to most of them. fun stuff and i was not about to rain on their parade. not me. then last week i was at a local market in the produce section getting a couple of things. all by myself. dressed in a flannel shirt a size or two too big. t shirt. sweatpants. white socks and very cheap plastic walmart flip flop type things. when i hear from behind me this mexican guy going on and on to his family in spanish. he’s going so damn fast i can’t pick up much of anything except for, italian and ‘la familia’. of course at that i turned around and the whole family is just standing there gawking at me. i gave them my best tony soprano squint and continued to check out the potatoes. the guy shut up.

see? i told you i was bored. so now you are as well. now everybody is happy.

music this morning provided by jimi hendrix, ‘the best of hendrix’, i like it because it’s got all my faves on it, in particular ‘little wing’, ‘bold as love’ and ‘the star spangled banner’.

jmh

we went out for a nice italian dinner this weekend. one of the chain places. we hadn’t been there before. the one where you can draw stuff on the paper table cloth. it was very nice and the food was pretty good. i had a nice veal marsala and portabella mushrooms with angel hair pasta. like i said, good.

i guess it started when we sat down as girlfriend goes, oh, you want to sit on this side so you can watch. yeah, i like to sit where i can watch. i don’t like surprises and i don’t like to rely on other people to pick up on shit going down that may or may not suck us into something awful. capice? so everything is fine. though we are getting looks and the staff is being overly nice. 3 or 4 people wanted to know if we wanted anything. no, we’re fine, the waiter is looking after us.

by the time the meal arrived the whispers were in the air. mob. mafia. it’s been awhile. but it’s part of my life, occasionaly. it can be annoying but at times fun. at any rate, when i went into the pasta, sans the spoon, and rolled up a nice tight clump in a nano second things got really interesting. the godfather. i’m like, jesus, folks i’m just an old douche bag italian guy. give it a rest. but, nah, i got into it. the busboys couldn’t help but sneak a look. i’d catch them and give them a thumbs up or wiggle my eyebrows, ala groucho. the workers had the place a buzz. by the time we had dessert and i got an after dinner drink, frangelica straight up, you would have thought al capone was in the joint. the frangelica was more like a glass of wine. the most i’ve ever seen. all in all a nice time. i had fun. the food was good enough so we will go back. i wonder what that will be like?

jmh

new stuff. to this day i still get looks and whispers about the sinatra thing. usually in las vegas. it’s amusing. some folks are like stunned with jaw dropping looks. i smile and keep on moving. vegas is also good for being mistaken for tony soprano as well. what can i say? years ago i was often mistaken for a cop. i wasn’t a cop but i never did fix their mistaken idea. i let it ride. same with tony soprano. it’s usually early in the morning and i’m by myself wandering through a casino trying to find some coffee. mostly it’s bored dealers or pit bosses. hey, tony soprano is in the house. like i said earlier people talk much to loud at times. i ignore them and keep on truckin’. it’s all about how you carry yourself and i have james gondolfini’s lumbering tony walk down. an expensive sport coat and a few other props it’s bada boom bada bing.

i was at an upscale bar in a beverly hills hotel. alone. the brown eyed girl was in the hospital there in the hills. i’d been at the bar for a while drinking and chatting with the bartender. he moved to the other end of the bar. a bus boy wandered in and almost crapped his pants. he tells the bartender, my god, there’s a mob guy at the bar. the bartender laughed. so did i. the bartender is like, no. he’s just some old italian guy. chill out.

during that time i was also frequenting a certain delicatessen near the hospital. often for breakfast and dinner. i was always treated very well and i tipped accordingly. one evening i’m having dinner and this guy comes in. the manager nods in my direction and the guy says, i have no idea who he is. i’m like ok. fine. interesting. a couple of days later it’s dinner again and another guy comes in. same thing thing. manager nods toward me. the guy says, he must be east coast. i don’t know why he’s here. then he leaves. ah, yes. speaking too loud in public. always interesting what you hear.

one of my favorite mistaken mob guy deals was another time in las vegas about a year ago. our room wasn’t ready so the brown eyed girl and i went into a bar on the casino floor to have a drink and wait for our room. we were at a table. the bartender served us i tipped him a few bucks and he went to the bar to talk with some guy. then he disappeared. we’re sipping our drinks when i see this guy coming up in from the casino. big guy. obviously italian. he’s in a hurry and he’s wearing a purple velour like sweatsuit with lots of gold chains around his neck. no shit. he got closer then realized i wasn’t who he was looking for or not who he was told to go look for. an abrupt about face and he was gone. never saw him again.

there are other times as well. i’m sure there will be more. i don’t have a problem with it. i get treated very nicely and left alone. fine with me.

jmh

Written by john hauge

September 24, 2014 at 12:23 pm

2014 college football picks and predictions week 5

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for some reason the football community continues to administer self inflicted gun shot wounds into their foot while said foot is firmly placed in their mouth. college and pros alike. a reckoning not so long down the road is coming. sane people are finally waking up to the fact the idiots and insane are running the asylum and have been for a good number of years. i’m also no where near being some sort of politically correct stooge or brain dead weasel. just sayin’. stupid stuff has been ignored for far too long in college and pro ball. the time has come to pay the piper and if that piper gets stiffed again this time around with loads of grandiose plans and fixes that go no where or do nothing, like with the NCAA all the time and the NFL most of the time, it’s time to stop watching football. when the money train stops they will fix stuff. guaranteed. if we can’t be civilized in our game playing and at home or school then we are no better than say, ISIS, or whatever it is they’re calling themselves this week.

yes, mom whacked me with whatever she could lay her hands on at times when i was a kid and dad laid the belt on me a few times as well. but not when i was a one year old, reggie bush. neither of them ever drew blood and by the time i was 7 or 8 i realized if i did what i was told i wouldn’t get whacked. pretty simple really.

times change. spare the rod and spoil the child is no longer valid. sure nobody asked you. it’s like a lot of stuff. nobody asks you and it just goes down. deal with it. hitting a woman has never been cool. never. unless of course she’s packing, cocked and locked with you in the cross-hairs then be my guest. though you may be very deserving in getting your shit blown away.

if you think what’s going on in college and pro ball is somehow going to affect your first amendment rights to freedom of speech you haven’t been paying attention for decades. sadly, maybe even longer. there is no freedom of speech in this country and there hasn’t been any for a long ass time. it left long before elvis ever permanently left the building.

week 5 is here and we finally get a nice slate of games. picking the 10 wasn’t easy. a good thing, this time around, when you actually have a number of worthwhile watchable games and you have to leave a few on the table. imagine that. why can’t it be that way coming out of the blocks? week 4s picks were another stab at mediocrity. the only good thing being was i went 5 for 10 with my over all now being 17 for 40. plus, i did pick utah, miss st and clemson.

never forget this insanity is for entertainment purposes only. got it? using anything here to try and gain an edge over some sort of legal or illegal sports betting type thing would be totally asinine and possibly be in certifiable 51-50 territory. capisco? do not do it. keep your wallet where it belongs in your pocket and nobody gets hurt.

rock ‘n’ roll.

9-25 texas tech @ oklahoma st. oklahoma st favored by 14.5 points. tech has it’s passing game going again this year. the only trouble with that is their schedule, 2 road kills then arkansas. the cowboys, on the other hand, were semi impressive in losing to florida st in game one. followed by a couple of wins over also rans, which i guess was good enough to put them into the top 25. the cowboys at home. take them to win or cover the points.

9-25 ucla @ arizona st. ucla favored by 5.5 points. the PAC(8)(10)12 heats up further with 2 PAC south undefeated schools meeting up in the desert southwest. the bruins get the schedule edge in this thursday night couch, beer and pizza game. well, at least for us out here. the 10pm east coast time might be a bit late for that action if you have to go to work on friday morning. take the bruins to win or cover the spread.

9-27 s. florida @ wisconsin. wisconsin favored by 33 points. the badgers are currently the top rushing team in the nation. they faired well in losing to lsu in their opener then rolled over a couple of road kills. the bulls are struggling with everyone. up one week down the next.  a bundle of points but i’m taking wisconsin to win and cover.

9-27 arkansas @ texas a&m. texas a&m favored by 10 points. a&m has been impressive so far this season. their passing game is still first rate. too bad their schedule hasn’t been. granted they did beat up on the gamecocks in week one but rice did give them some trouble. the razorbacks best win was against texas tech and they did put some points up in losing to auburn. the aggies are usually a handful at home. take the aggies to win and cover.

9-27 stanford @ washington. stanford favored by 6.5 points. the trees come off a weeks rest after losing to usc. usc being their only quality game this season. this is the huskies first real test of the year even though they’re undefeated so far. we’ll see if coach petersen’s firm hand has them up for their first PAC north brawl. luckily the game is at home. going with the gut here. take the huskies to at least get inside the points.

9-27 missiouri @ s. carolina. s. carolina favored by 6 points. the tigers were stunned by indiana last week. while the gamecocks seem to be gathering some steam. this SEC east match-up should be one of the better games of the weekend. missiouri makes a comeback. take the tigers to win or get inside the spread.

9-27 boise st @ air force. boise st favored 13.5 points. the falcons running game is still in top 10 territory and they’ve had an extra week to prepare for the broncos at home. always trouble for just about anyone playing air force. i’m on an upset roll here. take the falcons to at the least get inside the spread.

9-27 notre dame @ syracuse. notre dame favored by 14 points. the orange men were tripped up by maryland last week in a stunner, at least for me. touchdown jesus with an extra week to get ready should be in fine form even on the road. take the golden domers to win and cover.

9-27 baylor @ iowa st. baylor favored by 22 points. possibly the best game of the week. 8pm eastern on FOX. both squads coming off an off week. the cyclones last game was their stunning win over iowa which was predicted right here. baylor is sorta like georgia was last year. being that i’m lost as to just why they’re a top 10 team while playing the worst opening 4 games of anyone in the country. yes, they’re number one in scoring but who wouldn’t be against the bowling pins they’ve knocked over so far? the bears first real test of the season and they get to go cyclone country. too bad for them. take iowa st to at the least get inside the points.

9-27 oregon st @ usc. the trojans sat it out last week after their stunning loss to boston college the previous week. the only good thing about that was they got to miss a couple of days of our over 100 degree temps we went through here in socal that week. the trojans need to get back on track and let’s hope that the sark has/is doing just that. coach riley and the beaves hopefully will have their hands full this week at the colosseum with the trojans and riley’s favorite burgers, in-n- out. mine as well. 2 double doubles animal style, please. i digress. a good game. take the trojans to win and cover the points. FIGHT ON!!!

finally a fine week of of college football. plenty of games worth watching for a change. it almost makes up for the first 4 weeks of, meh. fatty red protein is back on the fire. charred to a perfect medium rare. a gallon of dago red and no wine glasses with stems allowed. i came to that epiphany a while back after realizing my mom’s dad never used a wine glass with a stem. as a matter of fact they didn’t even own any stemmed wine glasses. none of my other italian relatives did either back when i was a kid. it’s time to go old school wine drinking once again. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 4

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for some reason unknown to but a very few the college football season is very slow getting out of the box this year. slower than any i can remember and i’ve been around for many many moons, pilgrims. the sheer crappiness of the first four weeks of games amazes me. it wasn’t easy picking my 10 games this week. i knew i was in trouble when i first laid eyes on it. oofa. to be fair, it isn’t the first time i’ve done this but i started at the bottom or last game of the day and worked my way up the schedule. fingers crossed and helplessly hoping i’d actually find my 10 games. hence, a good number of them, on a real college football weekend, i’d have nothing to do with. ever.

at any rate, remember this is for entertainment purposes only. that statement ought to pretty obvious considering my gawd awful start to this seasons picks. i had another 3 for 10 last week and i’m now 12 for 30 over all. taking any information from here and using it anywhere legal or otherwise sports betting is offered would be stupid, lame and detrimental to your financial health. do not do it. keep your wallet where it belongs. in your pocket. and nobody gets hurt. the odds here may change over the week but i don’t care. what i have here is what i go by to determine my wins and losses for the week.

rock ‘n’ roll.

9-18 auburn @ kansas st. auburn favored by 7.5 points. this could possibly turn into a decent game. an early season week off tigers might give them an even larger edge over the wildcats. being a thursday night game also makes it watchable. right? sure, i suppose. take auburn to win and cover the points.

9-20 maryland @ syracuse. syracuse favored by 1.5 points. a toss up. probably a yawner. take the orange men and the points.

9-20 utah @ michigan. michigan favored by 6.5 points. big blue has it’s hands full this week with the utes hitting town. take utah to at least get inside the spread.

9-20 florida @ alabama. alabama favored by 15 points. as usual the tide rolls along. if they were playing the other florida team it would be much more, shall we say amusing. however, they aren’t. take the tide at home to win and cover the points.

9-20 rutgers @ navy. no points a toss up. wake me when it’s over. since i have to pick someone i’ll take navy for the win.

9-20 mississippi st @ lsu. lsu favored by 10 points. possibly a sleeper but not in the sense of the rutgers/navy game. what the heck i’m taking miss st to get inside the points.

9-20 clemson @ florida st. florida st favored by 18.5 points. there’s a distinct possibility this is the game of the week. take clemson to get inside the spread.

9-20 miami(fl) @ nebraska. nebraska favored by 7.5 points. the cornhuskers offensive line and backfield will make it a miserable day for the canes. take nebraska to win and cover.

9-20 san diego st @ oregon st. oregon st favored by 10 points. coach riley has the beaves off to a nice start. the aztecs have had an extra week to prepare. i’ll take that extra week and the aztecs to ruin the beaves saturday.

9-20 oregon @ washington st. oregon favored by 24 points. at least it isn’t in the mid 40s this week. the ducks should roll but with a bad spread and mariota sitting out the final half again things could go south. point wise like last weeks game. probably too many points again but i have to take the ducks to win and cover. QUACK QUACK!!!

another sad saturday slate of simply sordid college ball is here. i guess we embrace it or find something else to do. sad but true. i haven’t looked at week 5 yet. i’m afraid to. yes, well, maybe we can shake off this bad college football juju if we pull out the 10 quart pot and cook up 8 or 9 quarts of red meat sauce. get up early, do the mise en place and get started before the first game starts. by game time you’ll have it all simmering away, covered of course, for the rest of the day. don’t forget to stir it once in a while. send me $1,000 and i’ll send you my recipe for my saturday sunday any day you have the time gravy along with a few other tips to ensure a restaurant worthy top of the line michelin star bolognese. when it’s ready be sure to over sauce some pasta and drink plenty of dago red. or on the other hand, send me 2 first class airline tickets along with the grand and a 5 star hotel reservation for the brown eyed girl and i. you do that and i’ll cook it up at your place. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 3

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i had a pretty decent week last week with a 6 for 10 showing. plus, picking iowa st, san diego st and usc to beat the points made my weekend for sure. though i doubt very many folks had the first two especially iowa st. more on them later. my over all going into this week is 9 for 20. something that needs work and hopefully it gets done this week. time tells.

well, it’s week three of the season and i had high hopes of finding some high octane math-ups for the coming weekend. was i ever sadly mistaken. finding this weeks games was just as difficult as it was last week. i guess i just want to see the big boys duke it out all season long and the last four standing hit the playoff circuit. playing dead end lower end schools should be left for them to play amongst themselves and whoever is left in that sorry lot can plunk down in some crappy bowl game somewhere. is that too freaking much to ask? unfortunately, apparently it is.

always remember this is for entertainment purposes only. taking anything here as betting advice or using anything here in order to gain an edge in vegas or at your local underground sports book would be totally insane and stupid. do not do it. keep your wallet where it belongs. in your pocket. and nobody gets hurt. also, the points pointed here are what i use to determine my wins and losses for the week. the spreads may change over the course of the week but it matters not to me as i have a life outside of here.

rock ‘n’ roll.

9-13 boise st @ connecticut. no line at the time of this being published. interesting, what? neither school was impressive in winning last week. one could even say they were actually lucky to win against pretty poor opponents. none the less, maybe the broncos will have the long travel time down for this week. a toss up, i have to take boise st to win.

9-13 louisville @ virginia. louisville favored by 7 points. at least these two teams put some points on the board while beating up on some road kill last week. this might be a good game all things considered. especially with it being played on the cavaliers home court. i don’t know i have a feeling virginia gets inside the points. take the cavaliers and the points.

9-13 wyoming @ oregon. oregon favored by 43 points. oh my. the cowboys are 2-0 but they’re going to have to score more than 17 points again this time around if they want to get anywhere near ‘close’ by the end of the game. heady territory for the cowboys in duck country and the stadium that is autzen. my beloved ducks on the other hand seem to be playing the deja vu all over again dance. starting slow then kicking it into overdrive once they realize that things aren’t going that well. the thump they eventually put on the spartans should be very satisfying to the duck faithful. and a shot across the bow of all the other big shots. however, i for one could use a tad less drama and would appreciate just getting the job done sooner rather than later. mariota’s star shown when he began to turn things around. stunning. an oil tanker loaded to the gills with points for this one. 43 points. am i that stupid? probably. take the ducks to win and cover. QUACK QUACK!!!

9-13 iowa st @ iowa. iowa favored by 13 points. a very early state bragging rights rivalry game here, kids. the cyclones looked outstanding in losing to kansas st last week but seemed to run out of gas in the latter part of the fourth quarter. that being said, long time readers know i like the cyclones to toss a monkey wrench or two into someones season every year. last weeks point spread win was a signal flare. i just hope they didn’t leave too much on the field against the wildcats. at any rate, this is a fairly evenly matched game every year. and one my late dad always loved. he was an iowa farm boy. so, i have to take the cyclones one more time. perhaps even a win here. take iowa st and the points.

9-13 georgia @ s.carolina. georgia favored by 6 points. georgia whipped up on clemson and has had two weeks to get ready for this game. the gamecocks on the other hand seem to be struggling a bit so far this year. take georgia to win and cover the points.

9-13 usc @ boston college. usc favored by 20 points. the trojans make the long east coast trek for week three following their defensive battle with the trees in palo alto. the sark has thing clicking right along and it would be nice if the offense puts a few more points up this weekend. so far the trojans are the PAC sleeper. i hope they stay the course. you have to give the other catholic school props for scheduling usc. good for them. though the eagles generally aren’t a sisters of the poor team they aren’t anywhere near a floutie squad anymore either. if the offense and defense catch the plane then the bus to the stadium things should go well for the men of troy. take usc to win and cover the spread. FIGHT ON!!!

9-13 tennessee @ oklahoma. oklahoma favored by 21 points. the sooners are putting some points on the board. yes, against nothing stellar. the vols are winning as well against some what better teams. however, this is their first road trip for the year and in top 10 territory. probably just a bit too much for tennessee to handle at this point. take the sooners to win and cover.

9-13 ucla @ texas. ucla favored by 7.5 points. i’m not sure what happened last week in the rose bowl. other than the fact the bruin defense left early. perhaps it was too hot for them. i don’t know. coach mora needs to get the offense and defense on the same page if they want to claim the pre-season hype tossed their way. the longhorns struggled and did not look good against byu last week. yes, they ran over the road kill the week before but the cougars and the bruins are far from kissin’ cousins tech. coach strong has his hands full. both coaches are in the same boat. but at least coach mora seems to have more to work with. PAC(8)(10)12 homer says, take the bruins to win and cover.

9-13 rice @ texas a&m. texas a&m favored by 31.5 points. my first look at the aggies and their passing game does seem to be for real. however, their first real test doesn’t hit the turf until the middle of october. so, we’ll just have to wait and see. my dentist’s daughter goes to rice. my dentist is also a big football fan. she went to ucla. what does it all mean? i wish i knew. it looks like the aggies win another even considering the huge spread. take texas a&m to win and cover the points.

9-13 arizona st @ colorado. arizona st favored by 14.5 points. the sun devils have had it fairly easy so far this year. though bob davie’s lobos did put some points on the board in losing to az st last week even with all the off field issues the lobos have had to deal with so far this year. and they probably haven’t seen the end of that action either. i digress. colorado has more than likely seen the end of their winning streak for the season. though to be fair, they play hawaii next week. my point in all this? other than the fact i’m sure we can probably all agree that arizona st will probably win. take the sun devils to win and cover the spread.

there they are this weeks picks and predictions. some real clinkers but hey what’s a poor boy to do? but crank up the barbie throw down mass quantities of all that stuff your doctor keeps telling you to stay away from and chase it down with plenty of dago red. or some other fermented beverage. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 2

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week one of the season has come and gone. interesting games for sure. however, it just goes to show you that the first week of games are never quite up to the hype or point spreads. two in particular, ucla and alabama. yes, they both won but for my money it wasn’t a pretty picture. no where near pretty. texas a&m? for me the jury is still out. long season and lackluster schedule are a few words that come to mind. how did i do? dismal. a pitiful 3 for 10 opening week. to be correct there is one game left today though i’m not holding out much hope. hence, the 3 for 10. for the most part i had the right teams they just didn’t score enough points.

time for this weeks ten picks. the really sad thing is this weeks games were even harder to find decent match-ups than the openers were. they keep telling me that the practice of playing practice games that count against the likes of, would you like fries with that? state, or road kill is finally on the food pyramid tech is going to end. i pray for that day to come soon if only to make it easier to find something worthwhile to watch during the week and especially on saturdays. if this keeps up we’ll soon be seeing varsity high school teams suiting up against 7th grade flag footballers in games that count. yeah, not a pretty sight. though it will keep ambulance drivers and ambulance chasers very busy on friday nights.

to be honest the ten games here are probably the best of the week. not saying much and, yes, you may have others you’d rather watch or care about but you aren’t writing this.

as always, remember this mess is for entertainment purposes only. looking for some sort of bettors leg up with the big boys in vegas or your local barbershop and handicapping parlor would be exceedingly lame and stupid on your part. do not do it. leave your wallet where it belongs in your pocket and nobody gets hurt. the spreads may change over the week but what i have here is what i use for my wins and losses.

rock ‘n’ roll.

9-5 washington st @ nevada. washington st favored by 2.5 points. the cougars were embarrassed by rutgers last week. the wolf pack eked by one of the hapless big sky schools finally finding their defense again in the fourth quarter. despite washington sts loss they, at the moment, have the number 1 passing offense in the nation. take the cougars to win or at least get inside the small spread.

9-6 kansas st @ iowa st. kansas st favored by 12.5 points. both schools played a couple of patsies last week and both won. not. amazingly enough the cyclones lost at home by 20 points and had no offense in the second half. i don’t think that iowa st is that bad. though i guess we’re gonna find out this saturday. if only for pride i think they’ll get inside the spread this week. take iowa st and the points.

9-6 fresno st @ utah. utah favored by 10.5 points. the utes put some points on the board last week. yes, against idaho st. however, fresno st has another tough road game after their thumping by the trojans. take utah to win and cover the spread.

9-6 usc @ stanford. stanford favored by 3 points. i’m somewhat surprised the trojans aren’t favored here. especially after they were one of top 25 that actually covered their large spread last week. the trees beat winemakers and veterinarians u (uc davis). yawn. usc was on top of their game for sure as the sark had them up in heady midseason heights last week. if there’s no let down usc will win and or cover the tiny spread. FIGHT ON!!!!

9-6 michigan st @ oregon. oregon favored by 13.5 points. two stellar Pac(8)(10)12 games in a row kids. state is good but i doubt they’re good enough to handle my beloved ducks at home in autzen stadium along with their totally insane fan base. good game regardless. well, probably not if the ducks lose. take the ducks to win and cover. QUACK QUACK!!!!

9-6 memphis @ ucla. ucla favored by 25 points. yes, the bruins are playing the sisters of the poor this week. the ONLY reason they’re here is to see if the offense will make it to the rose bowl in time for the game. they missed the bus last week. more importantly the ucla defense should more than manhandle memphis and probably score enough points themselves to cover the spread. or that’s the hope. i also hope the offense does show up. they had better if any of the bruin pre-season hype is going to come to pass. drink the kool-aid and take the bruins to win and cover.

9-6 michigan @ notre dame. notre dame favored by 4.5 points. a fairly decent match-up. michigan can run the ball. so can the golden domers. big blue trounced a road kill. the domers whipped up on rice. ispso facto take touchdown jesus to win and cover the spread.

9-6 san diego st @ n. carolina. n. carolina st favored by 15 points. apparently all the yelling at halftime by the tar heels coaching staff paid off last week. you could say n. carolina was almost embarrassed. well, OK, i will. the aztecs aren’t a road kill sisters of the poor team. take san diego st to at least get inside the points.

9-6 virginia tech @ ohio st. ohio st favored by 11.5 points. the buckeyes should take this one at home. simple as that. take ohio st to win and cover.

9-6 air force @ wyoming. a toss up. the cowboys weren’t very impressive last week in winning. the falcons put up some amazing rushing numbers against fries with your order, ma’am? st. given the fact it’s a toss up i have to take air force with almost 600 yds rushing on saturday.

there they are as meager as they come. though there are 3 or maybe 4 hopefully decent watchable games. so, light off some charcoal or the butane burners and char up some massive slabs of fatty red protein and chase it with enough dago red to float an aircraft carrier. sure, why not? be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

2014 college football picks and predictions week 1

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it’s arrived. finally. as summer begins to fade college football shows up. a co-winky dink? a quirky cosmic jolt? probably neither. the shortest sweetest sporting season. college football. yes, kids time to waste away your saturdays, remote in hand, butt on couch or recliner, while yelling at the TV and the NCAA in general.

sadly, even with the new kid on the block, playoffs, we still have a bunch of lackluster games for opening week. though to be fair these games have been on the books for a few years. i suppose it’s going to take a another few years to see if what the talking heads tell us will come to pass or not. no more sisters of the poor state playing mr big u. though we’ll probably still be seeing it a few years down the road. that extra win or two looms large down south. time tells.

we have several months to see what shakes out for the grand opening round of the playoffs. no telling what will happen. also on the books the unionization of college football players came and went with the vote being kept secret along with nothing to be done about it. yes, the classic waste of time scenario. the NCAA at it’s very best and worst all rolled up into a convoluted inept mess. if we ignore it it will go away. perhaps we should do that with the NCAA. johnny football is gone. gone to cleveland and pro ball. though his off field antics still cause wonder and awe. was he really rolling up one of uncle sam’s notes of legal tender in that vegas crapper to snort up some flakey white powder? good luck, johnny. you’ll probably need it.

earlier in the month the NCAA approved, if that’s the word, or more likely rammed down the throats of every college football fan their idea of the Big 5. to be fair, the big 5 had a role in it as well. along with big money itself. so, by maybe october 2 we’ll be seeing the pay to play deal. yes, let’s pay the spoiled rotten semi criminal element that is college football today to play a sport where they are supposed to be getting a free college education. while the regular student body will still be stuck with all their student loans once they graduate but the football players and the round ballers, soon to follow, get a free ride and make money on the side. student loans? we don’t need no stinking student loans! we play ball. now, hand over your lap top, car keys and your girlfriend’s address. stay tuned kids things will only get worse. count on it.

at any rate, for new readers, i’ve been doing this for a long time. i pick 10 games each week. games i have some sort of interest in watching for what ever reason. though some weeks it’s hard to find 10 worth watching. i then pick a winner based on the point spread. usually not an easy thing. especially the first couple of weeks of the season. last year i ended up at 61.3%. my best year ever. although some weeks due to life and stuff i’ll just do straight up picks with no spreads. this coming october should prove to be interesting on numerous levels. we’ll see. the spreads may change over the couse of the week but what i have here is what i use to determine my wins and losses. i use a consensus of several sport books to get to my point spreads here.

the important thing to remember every week is that this insanity is for entertainment purposes only. some get it some don’t. using any information gleaned here to wager on any of the games would be stupid and insane at best. do not do it. leave your wallet where it belongs. in your pocket. and nobody gets hurt. simple as that.

rock ‘n’ roll.

8-28 texas a&m @ south carolina. s. carolina favored by 10.5 points. the season kicks off with possibly one of the best of the weekend. or so it would seem. we’ll get a good glimpse of life without senor futbol and the aggies. along with the old ball coach getting older and perhaps wiser? home field and an aggie team minus a few components. i’m taking the gamecocks to win and cover.

8-28 boise st @ ole miss. ole miss favored by 10 points. a new coach for team smurf turf with an opener on the road deep into SEC country. boy howdy. but then this is another of the been on the books for a while games. in the old days, say like last year, boise st would probably run the rebels ragged and won. not this year. take ole miss to win and cover.

8-29 byu @ connecticut. byu favored by 16.5 points. this is one of those first week picks in order to fill out the dance card for the entire opening weekend. that being said it might turn out to be worth watching. doubtful the huskies got any better during the off season after a dismal 2013. take byu to win and cover.

8-30 ucla @ virginia. ucla favored by 21.5 points. as an official pac(8)(10)12 homer i tend to have more than a fair share of left coast teams on board each week. the bruins are back and making things interesting once again. coach mora, thanks for taking bruin money and not leaving for husky land. hopefully, chris petersen sent you a thank you card and a lovely basket of fruit. perhaps it’s the bruins year to really shine. a stellar returning quarterback and some other impressive players. virginia another school coming off a lackluster 2013. lots of points. but take the bruins to win and cover.

8-30 fresno st @ usc. usc favored by 21.5 points. the sark is back in trojan land. as i stated at the end of last year it’s sort of a head scratcher and it still is. but, hey, at least the conversation i had in an upscale beverly hills bar with a seattle based medical malpractice attorney hasn’t come true. yet. an interesting conversation to be sure. but one i’ll keep close to the vest and let TMZ or E! ferret it out. if it’s even true. lawyers don’t lie and make up stories, do they? on a side note, i hope cajun ed o lands another head coaching job soon. he deserves another shot. ok. the game. the bulldogs got shellacked last year by the trojans in what figured to be a close game. it wasn’t as coach o had the trojans cranked up. plenty of points. let’s see if AD hayden made a good pick in the sark. i’m taking the trojans to win and cover. FIGHT ON!!!!!

8-30 w. virginia @ alabama. alabama favored by 27 points. lane kiffin turns up again in the SEC. this time as bama’s offensive co-ordinator and qb coach. yes, kids another head scratcher. could this be the end of the tides semi rule of the SEC? has coach satan lost his juju? or perhaps his mind? just another story waiting to hit the presses this season. the first shoe drops this saturday. also, be sure to circle october 25 on your calendars as the tide rolls into tennessee territory. i doubt the vols faithful have forgotten about lane. it ought to be amusing to say the least. i digress. the mountaineers can usually score some points. so can bama. take bama to win and cover the big spread. ROLL TIDE!!!

8-30 washington @ hawaii. washington favored by 15. 5 points. filling sark’s departed shoes is boise st’s ex coach petersen. a big jump up the coaching ladder for him into the big time big school coaching limelight. i like the guy and i hope he’s up for it. this should be a good game for the huskies new coach to ease into the PAC(8)(10)12 spotlight. the warriors were far from being warriors last year. take the huskies to win and cover the points.

8-31 utah st @ tennessee. tennessee favored by 6.5 points. i guess we’ll see if the aggies are going to be for real again this season or not. yes, the vols aren’t what they used to be but they can still be dangerous. right? perhaps. although things haven’t gone that well since the days of lane kiffen. home court 3 and just a few more for the vols. yeah, take the aggies to at least cover and maybe win.

9-1 miami(fl) @ louisville. louisville favored by 3.5 points. labor day, dove season opening day and the last game of opening college football weekend all rolled up into one nifty package. back in the day if labor and dove opening day fell on the same day we only went out if we had a private spot or something secluded. too many opening labor day mondays spent within very close proximity with way too many other folks with shotguns. no, i’m not turning this into a hunting riff. just a veer. last game of opening week. the hurricanes shot at redemption for last years final game embarrassment at the hands of the cardinals. not many points here and i’m taking maimi to either win or get inside the small spread.

there they are the initial offerings of the new and we’ll see if it’s improved or not college football season. the caveat, be careful what you wish for still claws at the back of my damaged brain. so, be that as it may, grill some protein, roast a pig, whomp up a kettle of chili, order in pizza or chinese. pour several flagons of dago red and enjoy some college football. just remember… be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

eddie catalina part 14 (the final chapter)

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the two policemen finished their meal and talked quietly among themselves. they seemed to be negotiating something or another. it was hard to tell. whenever anyone got close they were quiet. though whatever it was they were discussing didn’t take more than half an hour. at one point the two men shook hands.

when they both got up lt january put several $20′s on the table. he motioned to jerry the bartender who brought over a warm box with the fries and sandwich inside. then he spoke.

you know, lt, i can tell when you’re wrapping up whatever it is that you’re talking about whenever you come in here.

you’re a good bartender, jerry. one of the best. i appreciate it and so does mick. see you next time.

lt vacas shook jerry’s hand and the two cops went outside to the crown vic got in and made the trip downtown. with the light week night traffic they were there in no time.

lt january brought the nevada cop up stairs and handed sgt john’s his still semi warm sandwich with a nod and a wink. he also introduced him to lt vacas. the men shook hands and exchanged greetings.

our boy doing ok, mick?

good as he’s going to, loot. he ate some more and dozed off for awhile. but he’s awake now. getting antsy though.

fine. turn off the video recorder and eat your sandwich. the lt and i are going in.

sgt john’s turned off the recorder as the two lieutenants went into the interrogation room.

hi, eddie. how you doing?

ok, lt. i guess.

hang tight, eddie. this will be over soon. eddie, this is lt estaban vacas of the nevada state police.

hello, eddie. i’ve heard all about your recent travels in nevada and your trouble with the la cosa nostra.

hello, lt.

you know the lt vacas and i just might be able to help you out some, eddie.

oh? really. how so?

estaban, do you mind?

go right ahead, lt. this is your house.

eddie, long story short, you did pretty much everyone a favor when you shot those two hoods. especially us. the mob isn’t happy but who cares?

marvel didn’t wait for an answer and kept on talking.

the lt and i have come up with a solution to your problem, eddie. it may not be a permanent one but only time will tell. that will be up to you. more or less.

eddie sat there with his mouth open and a semi dumb struck look on his face as he fumbled around trying to shake a smoke out of the pack on the table. he didn’t speak.

here’s the deal. the lt and i don’t like the feds. they come in then big foot around and make a mess of things generally speaking. then they take whatever glory there is in anything they’ve mucked around in and screwed up. simple federal logic. and very annoying to any working cop. trust me, the feds have been sniffing around this one from the beginning. all the way back in washington, eddie. they’ve been watching. they think the mob is strictly in their purveyance. sometimes it is. but not this time. even though one of the thugs you killed was rumored to be thinking about working for the feds. you see where i’m going with this?

no. not yet. just keep talking. i’m beginning to like the way it’s going though.

maybe eddie. maybe. you can sit here and stand trial for second degree murder or maybe manslaughter or something depending on the DA and take your chances. let me tell you, your chances would be good. probably. only thing is there’s the feds. they are the wild card, eddie. if they like you they might put you in some witness protection program. because eddie, you’d be needing that if you’re found innocent. or they might just cut you loose. worse yet you get some weird ass jury and you end up the river for a few years. though odds are you don’t make the few years. you know this. right? then there’s the fact one of those dead guys in your apartment was maybe going to cozy up to the feds. plenty reason for them not to like you. this whole thing could go even more sideways than it already has. you following all of this eddie?

yeah. sorta. keep talking.

eddie, we’re giving you a choice. help the lt and i here when we need it or take a shot at the jury system and the feds. up to you. you take the jury system and feds then i read you your rights, right here and now. and the deal is gone.

i haven’t heard the deal yet. just help you two whenever…talk about weird. this is weird.

yeah, i guess so. but it isn’t the first time i’ve done this. it’s not kosher but it works and saves the taxpayers some money as well. and eddie, it saves you from the feds and the mob and a stupid set of jurors. regardless. at any rate, here it is.

eddie finally managed to get the cigarette lit and he inhaled deeply. he let the smoke out very slowly.

you leave here with lt vacas and go back to nevada with him.

whoa, wait a minute. i don’t like this…

let me finish, eddie. you go back with the lt and work for us when we need you. the rest of the time you’re on your own.

this is blackmail. extortion. it’s…

crazy, eddie? sure, i guess so. that’s fine. stay here. stand trial and the whole time the mob knows exactly where you are. every minute of every day. even the big foot feds aren’t that good, eddie. see where we’re going here?

holy crap. how am i supposed to help you two?

you’ve seen stuff, eddie. here in l.a. and vegas. you just point at pictures and maybe sometime point a guy out in person is all. we take care of the rest. best part of the deal is you’re a free man. no one to answer to except the two of us here in this room.

it doesn’t make any sense, lt. you know who these ass holes are. right? just arrest them. why do you need me? i don’t get it.

eddie. eddie. eddie. you want me to read you your rights or not? simple as that. yes or no.

jesus. no, of course not. what the…

good. lt you want to take over?

sure. eddie, you go back to nevada with me. actually, the three of us go back to nevada. the lt here is driving us back. you see the deal is he’s going up there to pick up your .357 and the ammo you tossed in the ditch on eastbound 80. we drive up because we can’t let you on a plane again until the other stuff is worked out. eddie, you aren’t really on the books yet, so to speak. understand?

yeah, i see. you guys are rouge cops. and i’m some sort of cop patsy. or snitch or some damn thing or another. i mean…

chill out, eddie. or i read you your rights. everything will work out. trust us.

holy crap. i don’t believe this.

you don’t have to eddie. just take the deal or start worrying again.

alright. alright. i’m in.

the two lieutenants looked at each other and smiled.

marvel spoke.

ok. we need to move. i can take care of my end on the phone while i’m driving. estaban?

me too. i just need to call the book store in tonapah to set things in motion. i have a couple of days before i have to be back.

ok. eddie on your feet. let’s book.

the two men got eddie to his feet and moved him out of the room. they kept him moving toward the elevators as lt january spoke to sgt johns.

mick, clean up the room but first get rid of the CD from the recorder. then you take a few days off. use up some of your comp time. i’ll let you know when i’m coming back into town.

sure, loot.

eddie was gently shoved into the elevator by the two cops. he stood at the back of the box and didn’t speak. he was too busy thinking to do any talking. he turned himself in for this? the last thing eddie heard as the elevator doors closed was the sound of a shredder eating a plastic CD.

jmh

this is the final chapter to date of “eddie catalina” as of today. at some point or another there will be more of eddie catalina. thanks for reading and your support. i appreciate it very much.

copyright 2014 by john hauge

Written by john hauge

August 15, 2014 at 4:52 am

eddie catalina part 13

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marvel january found a spot at the curb near the southwest terminal exit doors. his flashing lights kept the airport police at bay. though a corporal did wander up to the car and ask if they could be of any assistance. marvel politely declined. the lieutenant also figured lt vacas would spot him easier with the lights flashing. he got out of the car and stood by it on the sidewalk.

a glut of people began exiting the southwest terminal. towards the end of the group a man dressed in a business suit came up to him and spoke.

lt january? I’m lt estaban vacas of the nevada state police.

nice to meet you lt. the pleasure is all mine.

the two men shook hands and lt january offered to put his counterpart’s small bag in the trunk. with that accomplished both men got in the car.

lt, i know a little bar not far from here where we can get an outstanding vodka martini along with a very good prime rib sandwich. you up for it?

sounds good to me, lt. lunch was a long time ago. plus, i’m thirsty.

good. we can talk there as well.

lt january easily maneuvered the crown vic through the early evening LAX traffic. the lieutenants chatted amicably about police work and families as they drove to the small bar. marvel parked the crown vic in a red zone near the front door of the bar. he didn’t bother with the standard lapd placard. to any cop on the beat the shinny crown vic could only mean lapd brass. the car would be left alone.

as the men entered the bar the nevada cop spoke.

i was expecting a cop bar, lt. this is far from the usual cop hang out.

glad you approve, lt. my partner and i came across this place several years ago during a homicide investigation. we’ve kept it to ourselves. no sense ruining the place with the police.

good point. and one that makes perfect sense.

the bartender was busy with a few customers at the bar but smiled warmly and nodded his head towards the two men. while nodding and smiling back lt january held up two fingers. marvel gestured toward a table at the back of the bar. they could sit there and easily talk with no one close enough to listen in on their conversation.

not long after they had sat down two ice cold martinis were delivered by the bartender. marvel spoke.

thanks, jerry. we’d like two prime rib sandwiches, please. extra crispy fries for me. lt?

sounds fine.

coming right up, gentleman. and nice to see you again, marvel.

how’s your brother in law?

doing ok. he often says he’s a lucky man, lt.

he might be that but i’m a better cop. tell him i said hi.

sure thing. i’ll be back soon with your sandwiches.

lt january turned to estaban.

long story short, my partner and i cleared his brother-in-law on a murder beef back around the time we found this place. it wasn’t even a tough nut to crack. simple really. but everyone is still grateful.

always a nice thing. this place is really small. where’s the kitchen?

they don’t have one. just a reefer unit, small deep fryer, and a microwave. ok, i see where you’re going. jerry’s brother in law works at lawry’s prime rib. they have so much leftover he skims some and shifts it over here. yeah, i know. it isn’t legal and the health department would frown on the whole deal but the stuff is as fresh as it can get and tastes great. all in all another reason we don’t tell anyone about this place. and if the guys behind the bar hear anything we hear about it too. it all works out.

big city cops at work.

hahaha. yeah, i suppose. so tell me lt, you ever do any work dealing with the mob out there in nevada or is that a silly question?

not a silly question, lt. everybody believes the mob doesn’t have much influence in nevada these days. not after howard hughes bought everything up and the feds made a number of big busts back in the 70′s. the mob is still alive and doing ok. not by their old standards but making some bucks and giving us something to do when the other criminals are taking a vacation.

i see. yeah, i’ve heard that. we’ve still got our mickey mouse branch of la cosa nostra out here too. mostly loan sharking and money laundering for the mexican and el salvadorean gangs. some sports booking as well. and a bit of narcotics thrown in with the asian groups too. t hey make a mess of things at times but like you say it gives us something to do when things are quiet.

jerry the bartender delivered the two cops their prime rib sandwiches, extra crispy fires, two small bowls of au jus, and several tiny bottles of a name brand ketchup.

you gentlemen need anything else? another drink?

no thanks, jerry. we have some work to do this evening. just box a sandwich order up to go for my partner, ok?

you got it, lt.

the two men ate in silence for a bit then lt vacas spoke.

hey, this is good. almost makes the trip worthwhile.

both men laughed and continued eating. vacas spoke again.

you gonna tell me about the gun and the bullets? and maybe the guy driving that mustang we have on ice in an impound yard?

lt marvel january smiled and said.

i thought you’d never ask, lt.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 13, 2014 at 8:10 am

eddie catalina part 12

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by the time lt january got back to the interrogation room eddie had finished his sandwich and coffee. before going in the lt told sgt johns about the phone call to nevada. huddled together and combined with their hushed voices none of the other detectives in the squad room heard what they were discussing. as the lt was about to enter the room he told mick to turn the video camera back on.

how was dinner?

just great. almost like a good basque joint, lt.

good to see you still have a sense of humor, eddie.

what else is a poor boy to do? i’m glad the running is over. but i’m a bit worried, to say the least, about what comes next.

well, tell you what, eddie, a lot of that depends on you.

how so?

you’ll find out soon enough. if i unhook you do you promise to be a model prisoner? no bullshit. tantrums. or other crazy insane shit? you sit here like a gentleman or walk around the room if you like. i’ll knock when i want to come back in again. you hear a knock you go sit in that chair and be a choir boy. alright?

ah, sure, ok. what’s going on?

like i said, eddie, you’ll find out.

with that the lieutenant unhooked the cuffs from eddie’s wrist and slipped them into his pocket. as he left the room he said.

you just be cool. this might take awhile. ok?

i suppose i have no choice.

nope.

lt january closed the door and told mick johns to leave the camera running and keep an eye on eddie. the sergeant nodded his ascent as the lt handed him back his cuffs. marvel january went back to his desk to wait for the phone to ring.

after several calls and a little over an hour and a half of waiting his phone rang again. this time it was the call he had been waiting for.

just a moment, lt. mick, take eddie to the can and see if he wants more coffee or another sandwich.

sure, loot.

mick got up and knocked on the door. waited a moment then entered. eddie was sitting quietly in the chair.

come on, eddie, restroom break.

eddie got up and the sergeant led him to the restroom.

ok, estaban, what do you have for me?

the gun and rounds were right where you said they would be, marvel. though i seriously doubt you’ll find any prints on them with the water and all. but they are properly bagged tagged and awaiting your decision.

that was much quicker than i expected.

we have a new chopper that covers quite a bit of ground in a very short time. a very nice time saving tool. a gift from our at times friendly benefactors, the feds. we actually got two of them due to homeland security and our dams.

good for you guys, lt., we could use a few ourselves. traffic around here is usually horrible. anyway, if it isn’t too much trouble lt can you deliver the evidence bag down this way? asap?

let’s see. if i can get a flight to l.a. tonight i don’t see why not, lt. i can use a break from the cold.

i’m sorry it’s such short notice but i’m sure you know how things can work out.

it’s alright lt i’m always prepared to take flight as it were. i imagine you are too.

you’re right. it’s the nature of the game.

absolutely. let me put you on hold and i’ll check on a flight right away.

marvel january didn’t say anything but heard a click on the line. he was on hold. he sat thinking and wondering. soon he would know.

lt?

yes.

if i leave right now i can be in l.a. by 9:30 this evening at the very latest.

very good. airline and flight number? i’ll pick you up myself.

southwest, number 1966.

see you when you arrive around 9:30. that will leave us enough time for a quick drink and maybe a prime rib sandwich.

i’m looking forward to it.

both men hung up and lt january went back to the interrogation room. eddie was inside eating another sandwich and drinking another cup of coffee.

mick, the nevada cop will be here tonight. i’m going to go pick him up. are you ok? this could be awhile.

i’m good, marvel. i’ll keep an eye on him and keep the lookie loo’s out of the way. i’ll brush up on my ‘angry bird’ skills while i’m at it.

yes, i know you will on all counts, mick. thanks, man. i’ll be back when i’m back. and mick, just in case the feds come sniffing around keep eddie inside and under wraps. no more breaks till i get back.

not a problem. eddie and i will be here, loot.

lt marvel january removed his pistol from a desk drawer and put it in his empty shoulder holster then headed out the door. the clock on the wall read 7:30.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 11, 2014 at 4:22 am

eddie catalina part 11

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the ride back to downtown los angeles was uneventful. no lights. no siren. no talking. eddie sat uncomfortably handcuffed in the backseat lost in thoughts of prison. or worse. mostly visions of a sad brutal end out on a prison yard somewhere. he was safe for now but he knew that wasn’t going to last forever.

after they arrived january and johns had taken eddie upstairs to a restroom and then to an interrogation room where he was cuffed to a table that was bolted to the floor. the chair he was sitting on was bolted down as well.

you ok?

yes, detective, i suppose.

hungry? you want some coffee?

coffee would be good. a little milk if you have it.

this isn’t starbucks. powdered creamer.

with that mick johns left eddie alone again with his thoughts.

eddie yawned and tried to fight the image of his death at the hands of some prison inmate. it wasn’t working. not even close.

the door opened and lt marvel january entered carrying a cup of coffee.

it’s not the best but it’s hot and it works.

he pulled a pack of camel lights from a pocket. removed the cellophane wrapper from the top and opened the pack. tapped one smoke up out of the pack and offered it to eddie. eddie took the smoke and the lieutenant lit it for him. he inhaled deeply as the detective watched. the cop blew out the match and said.

there’s no smoking in here. when you’re finished with your coffee use the cup for an ashtray.

ok.

you wanna talk to me or do you want me to read you your rights?

i’ll talk.

good. just remember though, at some point i may have to read you your rights. just so you know. i need this job and so does my partner.

lt january nodded to the mirror on the back wall.

none of this is being recorded. at least not yet anyway. you talk. i listen.

eddie nodded his head. mick johns turned on the video camera hidden in a corner of the room.

alright eddie what happened?

eddie finished most of his coffee then dropped the cigarette butt into the cup. he looked at the pack of smokes and then at the lieutenant. the lieutenant nodded and pushed the matches over to eddie. eddie fumbled a bit but finally managed to light another smoke.

it’s hot in here.

your point?

yeah, ok.

just talk to me. i want all of it. start with the day before every thing went south.

eddie catalina ran down the events leading up to and including the killings. marvel january didn’t interrupt him. eddie shrugged his shoulders and said.

that’s it. then i ran.

where did you get the gun, eddie?

the army. i brought it home from nam. it was before they started to crack down on that sort of stuff.

yeah, alright. i remember. duffle bags full of pot and stripped down AK-47s. among other things. where’s the gun now?

i guess it’s still west of elko in a ditch under water. near where the nevada cops must have found my mustang. on the other side of the road by a tree. i dumped a few more rounds along with it.

ok. sit tight. more coffee? a sandwich?

yeah, ok. why not?

the lieutenant got up and left the room. the sergeant turned off the video camera.

mick, get eddie some more coffee and a sandwich. i’m going to call nevada.

sure, loot.

lt january went to his desk and made the call.

state police, lt estaben vacas speaking.

lt, this is lt marvel january lapd robbery homicide.

yes, lt. to what do i owe this honor?

yeah, right. um, by now, you fellows must have picked up an older model mustang west bound on US 80 outside of elko maybe a half hour or so.

perhaps. let me check.

january heard the keys of a computer being hit. after a moment the nevada cop was back on the line.

yes, we did. one of our patrol units had it impounded yesterday. he states it has a blown water pump.

that’s the one.

you know lt we’re having a bit of trouble tracking the owner right now. we have the vin number, of course, but it has expired oregon plates on it that were stolen nine months ago down your way from a car in the disneyland parking lot. the car itself looks like it may have come off a used car lot in east l.a. we’re waiting on the feds and the prints. a ton of them on the car.

the car did come off a lot down here. it’s part of an investigation just hang on to it for now, please. it probably has nothing to do with anything other than someone we’re looking at bought the used car and then drove it up there to nevada. the real reason i’m calling is to see if you can send someone back out to where the car was found.

i don’t see why not, lt. what are we looking for?

a .357 magnum and a few rounds of ammo. they should be in a ditch under some water near a tree on the eastbound side of 80 not far from where your trooper found the mustang.

alright. i’ll get someone on it right away. probably the officer who found the car yesterday. he should still be on duty today and possibly in the area. i’m assuming the gun and ammo should be considered evidence?

very good. yes, please.

i’ll send an evidence tech as well. though that will take a bit longer.

not a problem. just bag whatever you find and hold on to it. if we need it we’ll send someone up there to pick it up.

i’m from southern california, lt. if you need it i’ll bring it down to you myself. a good excuse to visit a few relatives and hang out in some warm weather for a change.

very well, lt. thank you for your cooperation. i’ll be talking to you again soon then. if you do end up coming down here i’ll be more than happy to to buy you a drink and dinner for your trouble.

as soon as we have recovered what you want i’ll let you know. good bye for now, lt.

lt january hung up the phone got up from the desk and stretched. he let out an audible groan. it had been a long day and it was about to become an even longer night.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 8, 2014 at 6:01 am

eddie catalina part 10

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lieutenant marvel january had been a cop for 26 and a half years. he always added the half or the quarter or whatever it amounted to. he thought it was important to do so. he wasn’t sure why. he just did it.

marvel found his partner, sgt mick johns, in the men’s room and told him they had to roll. eddie catalina had just called from ontario and the ontario pd were sitting with him. johns zipped up and said.

no shit? eddie called huh?

yeah. couple of minutes ago.

he say anything?

no. i did most of the talking and he just agreed to stuff.

man, this job is amazing at times.

the two men made it down to the street and their 7 year old crown vic. old but still newer than most of the other detective barges. marvel was a good cop who closed cases and he knew things. hence, the newer ride, plus he took care of the vic. he took it home a few times a year and hand waxed it himself. though he told the rest of the unit he paid to get it done at a car wash near his place. no one ever suspected a thing. the lieutenant got in the passenger seat. he rarely drove and he sure as hell wasn’t going to drive way out to ontario and back. not today anyway. besides johns was a good driver. the sergeant spoke.

lights? siren?

sure why not. we can’t have an ontario black and white tied up too long now can we?

both men buckled up and the car sped away from the curb. first the lights then the siren. johns also tapped on the horn as he made a wide left at the first intersection heading towards interstate 10 east. january smiled as the car skidded around the corner. they always got some looks when johns was in his mario andretti mode. marvel figured they must be a sight. an old shinny cop barge. lights. siren. screeching tires. a very large black man in the passenger seat more or less lounging and a big white guy driving while pounding on the steering wheel not unlike popeye doyle in the movie ‘the french connection’.

with half closed eyes january gave his partner a semi sideways look and said.

try not to kill anybody before we hit the freeway. ok?

i haven’t yet. and i don’t plan on it today. all i need is some room to move. take a nap. ok?

that was their standard and usual mantra whenever they first went code 3. after that they both settled in for the ride. lt january lost in his own thoughts and sgt johns ripping up the road and scaring the citizens. the lapd brass had given up trying to get the two of them to change. marvel january and mick johns got results. regardless.

once lapd figured out they had two dead mobsters on their hands. one of them an upper level hood the case had been handed over to lapd’s elite robbery homicide unit. lt marvel january and his partner mick johns in particular. two old hands at getting results and closing the book on lala land weirdness as marvel was fond of saying. though this one had eluded them so far but that was about to change.

when they hit the freeway the sargent turned off the siren and only used it occasionally to get people to move out of their way. the lights stayed on. by the time they made it through west covina the traffic had thinned out some and johns made up for lost time.

we’re flying low now, partner.

marvel just grunted and kept his eyes closed.

once over kellogg hill and down into the pomona valley johns was able to take the car pool lane again and stay in it. he blipped the siren once or twice to move cars out of the way.

almost there loot.

let’s see. take vineyard. not archibald. then hit a left at holt. i’m thinking you’ll see the place on the right. hit the siren as we pull into the lot. the patrol guys should bring him out then.

sure.

the crown vic left the freeway and made it’s way to the cheap motel. johns hit the siren once as they entered the parking lot. the two ontario officers walked eddie out of the room and down the stairs to the waiting lapd car.

thank you, officers. we’ll take over from here. sergeant, get your cuffs on mr. catalina so the ontario guys can get theirs and head out on patrol.

while that was going on marvel spoke again.

eddie. i’m lt marvel january lapd robbery homicide. this is my partner, sgt mick johns. you sure as hell made my day when you called. i was beginning to have visions of being transferred out to hollywood vice. ok. here’s the deal. you stay cuffed and we take you back to l.a. just sit tight and don’t say anything. ok?

ok.

you start talking and i’ll have to mirandize you. i don’t wanna do that just yet. capisco? we’ll chat back at headquarters.

sure.

sergeant, get eddie in the car and let’s get out of here.

the wind blew up a small dust devil as the crown vic sped out of the lot and headed west back toward downtown l.a.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 7, 2014 at 4:22 am

eddie catalina part 9

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it was warm and the air clear due to a slight santa ana and the warm winds coming out of the east. eddie catalina stepped off the plane and back to the city from where he had come. he’d left years ago vowing to never return. well, never say never he thought. here he was back again. no where to go and almost broke. no prospects either. jesus, when things spiral out of control they spiral until the wings fall off. then it’s a free fall until the sudden stop. eddie was beginning to wonder when the sudden stop would come.

the airport had changed since he was last there. he could tell a new terminal had replaced the old one at some point long ago. when was the last time he had flown in or out of ontario? probably the flight to oakland after his leave home before vietnam. no, that didn’t make sense. had to be his flight from oakland after his return from vietnam. a long time ago.

standing out on the sidewalk smoking with no plan in mind wasn’t a good idea. eddie figured there probably wasn’t anyone still living in the area from the old days. and he couldn’t just grab a cab and ride around all day and night looking for something or someone that probably wasn’t there anymore. a cheap hotel seemed to be his only option at the moment. a very cheap hotel if he didn’t find some money soon. he walked out to the curb as a cab pulled up. eddie told the cabbie to find him the closest cheapest hotel or motel.

the cab dropped him off at a motel not far away from the airport on east holt. it was a run down joint that looked like it catered to hookers and druggies. eddie wasn’t surprised. some things never change even with progress. eddie paid the cabbie and went into the dingy office. it smelled of tobacco, stale sweat, a tinge of blood, and a lot of tears. gag reflex was the only other thing that came to his mind.

yeah, can i help you?

i suppose. i need a room for a couple of nights.

we got a couple. one up one down. take your pick.

up i guess.

214. take the stairs to the left. that’ll be $66 for two nights. if you decide to stay longer i’ll cut you a rate for weekly or monthly. take your pick.

ok. thanks. i’ll let you know.

sure.

eddie counted out the money which left him with somewhere near the one thousand dollar mark. when you’re on the run money seemed to just vanish. the thought of calling the lapd again flashed through his tired mind but he quickly forgot about it. he took his key and went up to his room. hopefully, it wouldn’t become his home.

it wasn’t much of a room and it smelled like a well used ashtray that had never been cleaned. a good thing eddie had started smoking again. there was also a shabby bed covered by an even shabbier spread with all manner of stains on it. several large holes in the dirty shabby carpet as well. he would have to be careful at night. his inspection of the bathroom was somewhat of a surprise. compared to the rest of the room it was a diamond in the rough. eddie tried the tv set next which worked and offered basic cable along with a free porn channel or two. yeah, hooker haven for sure. so much for quiet nights.

he lit up as he sat at the cheap table that over looked the parking lot while hoping the chair he was sitting in wouldn’t fall apart. as he sat there smoking a car pulled into the lot. an old beater for sure but the lady driving wasn’t.

the car parked in the spot directly under eddie’s window. a youngish black woman got out and came up the stairs. eddie had a thought and he needed to hurry. he was up and outside his door when the lady passed by.

hi, sugar. you looking?

i’m looking but not for what you have in mind.

really? so what you want?

i’m looking for a ride over to claremont. if you’re interested in that proposition i’ll buy you dinner later.

harrumph. i’ll think about it.

eddie watched as the lady walked down to her room. he turned and went back inside his room thinking, another fine mess to go along with his first day of hiding in plain sight. moving back to the rickety chair he lit another cigarette. eddie sat smoking, thinking, and staring into the distance. shambles. his life was nothing more than a massive shambles. lighting another smoke with the butt of the other one eddie picked up the phone.

he dialed 9 for an outside line. then 0 for an operator.

operator.

can you connect me with lapd homicide?

one moment, please.

eddie sat smoking while waiting for the call to go through. when it finally did he heard.

robbery homicide. lt. marvel january speaking.

this is eddie catalina. i believe you’re looking for me.

why yes we are, mr. catalina. we need to have a talk. where are you calling from eddie?

i’m in room 214 at the day night inn on e. holt in ontario near the airport.

marvel put his hand over the phone and told another detective to call the ontario police and have them send over a black and white asap to baby sit eddie until lapd could arrive.

eddie, i’m sending the ontario police to your motel. they’re going to sit with you until we get there. at this point eddie you’re just a material witness. ok? you won’t try and pull anything stupid now will you?

no, lieutenant, not a chance. i’m not armed and i’ll have the door open waiting for them.

eddie heard a police siren a short distance away.

good, eddie. that’s good. i’ll stay on the line until the officers are in the room with you. ok?

sure. whatever you say.

eddie lit another smoke as the ontario squad car sped into the lot. the arrival of the police took a small group of people by surprise. the group hurriedly began to disperse. eddie got up and opened the door then sat back down.

lieutenant, they’re here.

good. just relax and don’t do anything stupid.

eddie heard the cops running up the stairs. they paused at the open door with guns out and told eddie to show them his hands. he sat the phone down showed them his hands then stood up.

turn around slowly, sir, and put your hands behind your head. we’re going to cuff you for your safety and ours.

not a problem officer.

after eddie was cuffed the ontario cop picked up the phone and told lt january the situation was under control.

thank you, officer. we’re on our way. just sit tight. we’ll be there as soon as traffic allows.

the ontario cop hung up the phone then sat eddie back down on the chair. it was over. finally. it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from eddie’s shoulders. eddie sat and watched the cigarette smoldering in the ashtray. the smoke drifted up and out the open door.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 4, 2014 at 4:34 am

eddie catalina part 8

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eddie just kept on running until he turned the corner and into the supermarket parking lot. breaking hard he almost fell. winded but no worse for wear he walked around a bit trying to catch his breath. once he’d done that he walked into the store and bought a carton of camel lights.

after his purchase he went back outside to the sound of sirens. very close sirens. he lit a smoke and casually walked around a corner and up to idaho st. one of the main east/west streets in elko. he turned left on idaho. several police cars whizzed past with sirens and lights blazing. they all turned south on 4th ave.

when eddie got to 4th he looked around the corner. what he saw was a scene from just about any run of the mill riot. the bikers, and there were a number of them, had descended upon the hapless mobsters for tumbling into their bikes. the mobsters were seemingly being beat senseless. elko’s finest had just begun to wade into the fray to try and quell the beatings. it was madness.

eddie kept walking on idaho until he got to the next corner. he turned south. walked down to commercial and went into the parking lot of the stockmen. it seemed as if the hotel and casino had emptied out into the lot as hotel staff, paiutes, gamblers, and drunks had all come outside to watch the show unfolding over on the next street. no one paid any attention to eddie.

eddie found his mustang. got in. fired it up and pulled out of the lot. he slowly drove up to idaho thinking hard. he needed to get out of elko. and he needed some sort of a plan. a better plan this time around. he turned left onto idaho. he was going to take 80 again but this time back to the west. canada or san francisco had come to mind. he’d worry about that later.

before he got back on interstate 80 eddie stopped to fill the mustang up with gas. he grabbed a few candy bars and bottled water as well. then he made his way onto the quiet interstate. there few cars and eddie pushed the mustang up to near 85 then settled in for the drive.

twenty or thirty minutes later eddie was eating one of the candy bars while trying to figure out his next move. the figuring wasn’t going well when he heard a loud thud under the hood then steam began to pour out of the engine compartment. by the time he pulled over to the side of the road the temperature gage was pegged out in the red zone.

just what i need, eddie thought. he popped the hood and got out of the car. gingerly opening the hot hood he released more steam into the chilly morning air. man, i don’t like the looks of this, was another thought. as the steam cleared he could tell all the belts were intact. what was the problem? then he saw it. a gaping hole where the water pump used to be. the pump had self destructed leaving eddie catalina stranded out in the middle of nowhere nevada.

he spoke out loud, another fine mess.

sighing heavily he closed the hood and looked east and west. no traffic in either direction. he thought once the mobsters were able to travel again they would probably head west. getting a tow to someplace where the water pump could be fixed might take most of the day. and most of the money he had left. plus standing around on the west bound side of the highway waiting probably wasn’t a good idea. passing pissed off and beat up mobsters just might notice him.

eddie picked his stuff from the car and crossed the median to the east bound side of highway 80. he was going to try and hitch a ride back into elko. finding a small tree he stood by it. he might be there awhile and the tree offered some shade and hid him from the traffic traveling west.

one candy bar and a bottle of water later he got lucky. a rancher in an beat up pickup stopped and gave eddie a ride back into elko. the old rancher offered to call a tow truck for eddie but he declined saying he’d take care of it once they got to elko. luckily for eddie he had the presence of mind to toss the old .357 and the few rounds left into a ditch running past the tree. the ditch had water in it. it would be a long time before anyone found the pistol. if ever.

eddie stayed quiet until he had a plan. he told the driver to drop him off at the mountain city highway exit. he was pretty sure the elko airport was just a short walk away from the exit. maybe he could catch a plane and be gone by the time the mob got it back together. either on the road or by air.

the rancher dropped him off then headed back to his own business. eddie walked to the airport and into the terminal. searching the small arrival and departure board he found a flight to san jose that was leaving in half an hour. he bought a ticket for the half full flight. with only a carry on he had no trouble making the flight. sadly, he was going to leave the mustang behind. there was no time to fix it or sell it. eddie had to keep moving.

once in the air eddie fell asleep. fitful dreams of pissed off mobsters and angry cops left him tired when he woke up as the plane was making it’s approach into san jose. after landing he found another flight. he was fast running out of cash but he had saved some by stiffing the stockmen for half the room rate and his room service tab. there was still some money left maybe enough to keep him going for a week or so if he was careful. no time to worry about that now.

his flight number was called and he joined the line of fellow passengers walking into the covered gangway. after all the passengers were onboard a stewardess had them all buckle up then told them the flight to ontario would take about an hour or so. eddie was heading back home. what was that old saying? something about hiding in plain sight. just what eddie catalina was planning on doing.

jmh

Written by john hauge

August 2, 2014 at 4:52 am

eddie catalina part 7

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as eddie began his trek across the parking lot he tried not to hurry or do anything to call attention to himself. he figured he was lucky he had gone into the commercial for breakfast. the mob guys probably didn’t think he would be coming from that direction. and by the way they were clustered up eddie thought they were just setting up for the job at hand. the job to find and kill him.

how had they found him so soon? simple really he thought. either the man at the sports book last night or someone in the cat house. or maybe even both. god, he was stupid and probably deserved whatever the mob had planned for him. maybe he should just go up to the suite and call the local law and take his chances with them. no, that was stupid as well. think eddie.

once inside the hotel lobby he saw only the paiutes and a few more leftover drunks from the night before. no mobsters. eddie wondered if they would actually come into the hotel to find him and take him. he took a chance and stopped at the main desk.

good morning. i’m up in 421. has anyone been looking for me?

no, sir. not that i know of anyway. i’ve been here for about an hour and a half.

ok. thanks. ah, some friends of mine mentioned they might stop by. if they do will you call me and let me know? i’d prefer to come down and meet them here in the casino.

not a problem, sir.

perfect. here’s a twenty for your trouble.

no trouble at all but thank you very much.

eddie made a beeline to the elevator. thankfully the wait wasn’t very long. he rode up to the fourth floor with several of the paiutes. he smiled but didn’t say anything.

once in his room eddie went to the window being careful not to stand to close to the opening. the mobsters were gone from where he had seen them talking. there must be one at each entrance by now. maybe others as well. he got his things together in preparation for a fast exit. then he called housekeeping and told them he didn’t want his room cleaned today. if anyone came to the door it would be the mob and not the cleaning lady.

from the side window he couldn’t spot any mobsters either. though on the corner there was a bar and a group of bikers gathered outside. eddie had noticed the signs yesterday about a poker run in memory of one of their fallen. today was going to be sunny and warm. a good day for riding a bike. was it going to be a good day for eddie?

eddie thought again about just calling the police but by now that option probably wouldn’t do him much good. he had run away after the killings. maybe if he had stayed in the apartment and waited for the cops back when it happened he might have gotten away with the killings. maybe. though the mob wasn’t going to forget. ever.

he pulled the last smoke from the pack in his shirt pocket. he crumpled up the package and tossed it towards the trash. he missed and it rocked a bit on the carpet before it settled. eddie looked for the carton of smokes and when he found the carton it was empty. he crumbled it up as well and tossed it towards the can. he missed again and the carton rolled to the wall and stopped.

eddie needed smokes. now was not the time to quit. yet again. maybe it was but he didn’t see it that way. he needed smokes to help him think. he was in a predicament and decided to take a chance and the stairs down to the lobby and try to find a machine for some cigarettes. and he hoped the mob guys were outside and not parked in the lobby or casino. from the side window he had seen the corner of what appeared to be a supermarket about two blocks away. he doubted he could manage to get that far with the mobsters around but it might become an option.

finding the back stairs eddie slowly made his way down to the lobby. the only people on the stairs were a few of the paiute kids playing kid’s games. they paid him no mind. once downstairs he slowly opened the door. he didn’t see any mobsters. eddie couldn’t actually skulk around in the casino without attracting a certain amount of attention. so he sucked it up and ambled as best he could out into the gaming area.

he asked a casino employee if there was a cigarette machine around. the man pointed to a corner by the coffee makers. eddie thanked him and walked over to the machines. he didn’t see any mob guys on the trip over. likely they were all outside, he thought. after all he would at some point have to leave. once at the machine eddie pulled a few dollars from a pocket and then realized the only smokes left in the machine were camel straights. unfiltered camels. this was not good. he needed cigarettes but not honest to god real live cigarettes. he hadn’t smoked one of them in many many years.

eddie walked back to the employee and spoke to him.

is that the only machine in the casino?

yes. why?

there are only non-filtered camels in it.

really? we were very busy last night. busier than i thought. sorry about that. it rarely happens. maybe once a year or so.

will it get filled up again today?

sorry, pal. the guy doesn’t come around till tomorrow afternoon. you can try the bar across the street but you’d probably be better off going over to the market down a few streets.

yeah, i’ve seen it. thanks anyway.

sure. nice day for a walk.

ah, yeah, right.

eddie returned to the machine and bought a pack of the camels. he opened it there and pulled out one of the short cigarettes and lit it. he immediately started coughing and thought, this isn’t going to work. he also thought since he was downstairs he ought to check the exits for mob thugs.

he picked up a free paper and walked around pretending to read it while he smoked and coughed. the unfiltered camel was making him a bit dizzy. he stood near the front desk and noticed two men smoking and talking out on the sidewalk. they didn’t blend in with the paiutes or the rest of the hotel crowd. mob guys. going back through the casino he noticed one mob soldier standing by the casino entrance door. two for two. probably at least one more at the side entrance by the sports book.

eddie was screwed. what the hell had he been thinking? why hadn’t he spent just one night in elko and then out on the road again? or better yet why hadn’t he just talked to the cops? hindsight. it always make you crazy. or in eddie catalina’s case, crazier.

back up in his suite eddie lit up another of the non-filter camels. he was going to have to figure something and fast. he needed smokes he could actually enjoy smoking and he needed to get the hell out of elko. as he stood smoking he noticed there were quite a few more bikers at the bar across the street. bikers and their biker harley’s. they weren’t your run of the mill sunday biker who took the wife for a ride and a brunch some place. no, these guys were the real deal.

eddie smiled and stubbed out the camel. picked up his stuff and went downstairs. he used the back stairs again as he didn’t want to pass the front desk with bag in hand. he was leaving but he wasn’t checking out.

once back in the casino he went towards the sports book and the rear side entrance. he got about three feet from the door and spotted the mobster on guard duty. eddie stopped. he knew this was his only shot at ditching the mobsters if only for a little while. eddie steeled himself. then he ran into the door and flung it open.

the mobster was startled and almost fell over. he steadied himself and yelled after eddie, who was about halfway across the street. the three other mob men were already turning the casino corner. eddie made it to the other side of the street and up on the sidewalk. he was running for his life.

the mob soldiers ran across the street giving chase. eddie rounded the corner of the bar and ran for the parked bikes. there were several rows of the shinny hogs lined up in the parking lot. it had been years but eddie catalina had once ran track and at one time was an accomplished high hurdler. he made the correct calculation inside his head and easily hurdled the parked bikes even carrying his ratty suitcase. hit the pavement on the other side and kept on running.

the mob guys weren’t so lucky. years of breaking bones and shooting people had left them way south of any athletic ability if there had ever been any to begin with. all of the mobsters crashed into the the parked bikes.

eddie didn’t look back. eddie catalina was in the wind.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 31, 2014 at 4:34 am

eddie catalina part 6

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barely managing to get out of his clothes. eddie fell into bed. his clothing ended up in several piles scattered about the large room. too drunk to dream he was none the less woken-up several times by the large loud saturday night gambling and drinking crowd as they yelled, screamed, and carried on out in the parking lot. that along with the buzz of the hotel neon sign just outside his slightly open window which sounded, to eddie, like music as the inert gas pulsed through the glass tubing. suffice it to say eddie didn’t have a restful night.

he was up before dawn and hung over. he stumbled about the suite looking for the coffee maker. then he realized there were no coffee makers in the rooms at the stockmen. instead they had several large military size and style coffee makers down in the casino. want a cup of joe? you had to go downstairs and score it yourself.

it took eddie several more minutes to find the appropriate clothing from the various piles in order for him to make the trip. after he managed to get dressed he went down to the casino for the coffee. he left the room door slightly ajar so he wouldn’t have to use the card key while carrying the coffee back into the room. eddie figured since he was making the trip he should get all the coffee he could carry. fortunately, the casino was empty with the exception of a couple of drunks asleep at two slot machines.

eddie dumped the first styrofoam cup of steaming coffee on the floor while trying unsuccessfully to add creamer to it. the drunks slept on. he tried again. this time he was more successful so he filled a second cup as well. he even managed to get both cups of coffee up to his suite without spilling anymore or burning himself.

he sat at the table by the front windows drinking the coffee and trying to get straight. about halfway through the first cup he noticed a commotion coming from a bar across the parking lot and to his right. a clot of people had stumbled out of a the bar and on to the sidewalk. it was just after 6:30am. the sky barely turning light. from what he could hear through the open window the voices seemed to be speaking spanish. the people had come out of a building with a simple sign that read, slots and bar. they must have spent the night drinking and gambling in the small bar.

he watched in almost dumbstruck awe as several of the people fell face first onto the sidewalk. they just laid there while the rest of the folks talked loudly and waved their hands wildly about. one of them, a man wearing a large cowboy hat, peeled off from the group and stumbled off to his car. stumbling and zig zagging across the parking lot he stopped in front of a pick-up. fumbled for his keys. dropped them. twice. then managed to finally get the driver side door open. it took several tries for him to actually get inside the truck.

eddie couldn’t take his eyes off the drunk. the man finally got the truck started. turned on the headlights and drove away. amazing, eddie thought. although he had probably done the same thing a time or three himself. in particular the night and morning before he’d killed the mobsters.

he was working on the second cup of coffee when two cabs pulled up in front of the bar. the crowd of drunks began to get in both of the cabs. the two drunks who had fallen face first on the concrete got up like nothing had happened and joined the people getting into the cars. bloody amazing, eddie thought. only in the world of drunks and gamblers.

by the time the second cup was empty eddie was feeling almost normal. he was even beginning to feel hungry. a good sign. dumping the empty cups in the trash he got up. used the restroom then made his way back downstairs. there was a coffee shop a few feet from the elevators. he got out of the elevator and bumped into one of the paiutes. the indians were up early and there was already a line for the restaurant. not wanting to wait and not wanting to be to be the only non indian in the group eddie decided to go across the parking lot to another casino and eat breakfast there.

the walk in the cold morning air further sobered him up and increased his appetite. he stepped inside the commercial casino. it was almost deserted as well. he walked by the hotel’s claim to fame, a stuffed polar bear under glass standing on it’s hind legs. it had to be almost twenty feet high. eddie stopped to gawk at the dead animal just like everyone else did the first time they laid eyes on it.

pulling himself away he went into the semi busy coffee shop. he was seated and ordered a ham and cheese omelet and a large glass of milk. once it arrived and he started eating it he was sorry he had ordered it. he wasn’t as hungry as he thought and the food wasn’t very good. gagging he did manage to finish a third of the omelet along with the milk and half a piece of toast and jelly.

he paid his tab. left a tip. then made his way back across the parking lot that separated the stockmen and the commercial. luckily for him he noticed out the corner of his eye several over dressed men smoking and talking about fifty feet to his right. there was no mistaking it or them. mobsters. they had found him. holy crap, he thought as he quickened his pace across the lot. he began to wish they were the cops.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 29, 2014 at 4:40 am

eddie catalina part 5

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the short walk to the basque restaurant was uneventful. however, by this time the small establishment was very busy. the staff was having a hard time keeping up with all the food and drink orders. eddie caught the eye of the lady he’d spoken to earlier and raised one finger. then he pointed to the bar. she nodded back at him.

he made his way through a large party waiting for a table and found an empty chair at the bar. eddie ordered a picon as he placed a twenty on the bar top. the usc stanford game had already started. eddie turned to watch it on one of the TV’s. he also further checked the room and things seemed to be normal.

the bartender sat eddie’s basque drink in front of him and took the twenty to make change. eddie turned back to the bar and sipped his drink. liquid ambrosia even after the vodka. he was going to need another one of these. the crowd in the bar cheered.

eddie turned back to the game to discover stanford had scored a touchdown. unless you were from southern california most folks didn’t care for usc very much. oh well. at this point in the day the only thing eddie catalina cared about was the final score and did he win his bet or not.

on the ensuing kickoff usc fumbled the ball after a hard hit at the twenty five yard line. stanford recovered the fumble. the way things were going didn’t bode well for eddie or his bet. especially after he noticed on the score crawl at the bottom of the screen that boise st had already scored 21 points in the first quarter. good-bye $3,200. or so it seemed. he finished his drink in one gulp and raised the empty glass to the bartender. who then set about making eddie another picon.

the sinking feeling of his $3,200 flying out the window made eddie think about his predicament again. he’d killed two mob boys in his apartment down in los angeles. the l.a. cops were more than likely looking for him so they could ask him a few questions. so, eddie, what’s up with the two dead guys on your kitchen floor? eddie shuddered involuntarily.

you ok, mister?

yeah, i’m fine. just a chill.

here’s your drink.

thanks. you can keep what’s left.

thank you.

sipping his drink eddie knew the mob wasn’t going to be anywhere near as polite as the lapd would be. the problem being eddie catalina was screwed if either of them found him. though he doubted the cops would be looking for him in northern nevada. not just yet anyway. the mob? they weren’t going away either but it was probably even money they were closer than the cops. eddie shuddered again. then he noticed the waitress beckoning him.

he picked up his drink and made his way back to the dinning room. the place was even busier. loud as well. filled with happy diners.

the waitress led him to a table with four chairs. there were already two ladies sitting in two of the seats. eddie knew that most basque places sat you family style. it wasn’t a problem. the two women turned out to be a mother and daughter from boise who were on a road trip and had stopped in elko on the way home for some basque food.

eddie ordered one of the specials. oven roasted lamb neck bones. along with a half liter of the house red. the dinner came with the usual sides. soup, salad, tongue, a vegetable or two, french fries, spaghetti, and sourdough bread. enough food for 4 or 5 people. the ladies ordered an extra side of a delicious blue cheese which they shared with eddie. the fine meal was accompanied by pleasant dinner conversation. or as pleasant as eddie could muster under the circumstances.

the roasted neck bones turned out to be outstanding. eddie was glad he had ordered them. he learned long ago to order off the specials board in a basque restaurant. even better was getting to know the owner who would throw in extras or let you request something off the menu or specials board. eddie was stuffed. the ladies declined dessert. though when eddie heard they served bread pudding, which the waitress said was to die for, he groaned and ordered one. the serving was huge and delicious.

the ladies said goodnight and eddie ate his dessert alone. when he finished he went back to the bar and ordered a frangelico and soda to help with his digestion. it would also serve to help ease the pain of his misguided football bets. by that time in the evening it was obvious he had lost his $3,200. the only thing that could save the money would be divine intervention. which was something that rarely happened. at least with eddie.

sated he somewhat stumbled from the restaurant and out into the street. it was noticeably colder now and there were fewer people out and about. eddie pulled his jacket tighter around himself and started walking. the last place he wanted to be was in one of the cat houses a block or so from the basque restaurant. but that’s where he found himself, several minutes later, in one of the houses. he sighed and mumbled to himself that he was pretty well fucked up and he had fucked up big time by wandering into the joint. he almost turned around but didn’t. instead he went to the bar. at least it was warm inside. the bartender spoke.

what’ll ya have?

ah, yes. ah…um…brandy rocks.

coming up.

the place was empty save for eddie and the bartender. as the bartender turned from eddie to make him his drink he rang a bell. crap. eddie thought, here they come. not long after that 3 or 4 ladies showed up. eddie wasn’t sure just how many there were. it may have only been two and he was seeing double. at any rate, he told the ladies thanks but no thanks. he was just having a drink then he’d be on his way. and no he didn’t want to buy any of them a drink. the ladies cleared out pronto.

eddie sipped his drink and talked college football with the bartender. one of the ladies came out again and sat at the bar. eddie ignored her. already drunk he at least knew compounding mistakes wasn’t going to do any good. he finished his drink. dropped a jackson on the bar and somehow or another made his way back to the hotel and his room. tomorrow or more to the point today was another day.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 27, 2014 at 4:21 am

vladimir putin: from the side lines of history

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many years ago, 2002 to be exact, i made a trip to mainland china. it was one of those two week deals where if it’s tuesday it must be shanghai type things. all in all very interesting especially the great wall. however, there were a couple of “incidents”that sort of stand out. one concerning vladimir putin and i’m still really not sure what was up with the other one.

first off, during the trip we stayed in xian for a few days. a lovely very old walled city with a moat around it. that would be in the really old part of town. we were on our way to see the terra cotta warriors outside the city. a truly wonderful experience if you get the chance to do so. on the way there we stopped at a factory that made small terra cotta figurines of the actual warriors, horses, and such at the site.

while at the terra cotta factory there was a guy standing around with big sony video camera on a tripod. i went up and started talking to him about his camera. he had an odd accent. turns out he was a russian tv news photographer or that was his story. he said they were doing “set ups” as putin was visiting the factory the next day before he went to see the actual warrior site. there was a talking head with him but i didn’t speak with him. anyways, after chatting with the ruskie and getting him to pose for some video i wondered off taking more video of the factory. suddenly this extremely nice looking chinese babe came out of nowhere like a sudden heart attack and asked me in very good english if i’m getting some nice pictures. this kinda freaked me out. who was she? where did she come from? i said yeah and blew her off. i think she may have been chinese langley. did she and the chinese think i was cia as well?

yes, well, then it got a bit weirder.

later that day we were at the terra cotta digs when 3 guys in very bad suits walked past us. i immediately made them for russians. one of them stopped turned around and gave me the eye for a minute or two. guess he had heard about me from someone at the terra cotta factory. or something. i ignored him. putin was to be at the site as well the next day. so i guess they were just some more russian “cultural” folks checking stuff out in advance. did the russians think i was cia too? what was going on? we heard a day or so later the chinese closed the place for 3 hours so putin could look at the shit by himself and not be disturbed. i hope he had a grand time.

several days later we were in guilin. a lovely spot in south china almost to the north vietnam border. the main touristy thing there is a four hour boat ride down the li river. wonderful scenery. amazing stuff.

after a long day of sightseeing, dinner, and probably too much beer we went to a chinese stage show in the hotel where we were staying. a nice show and more beer. however, i had a hard time staying awake.

after the we show got in the elevator to go up to our room. two nicely dressed westerners get in too. for some reason we are the only people in the elevator. which was very weird because of the number of people who had been watching the show and were now heading back to their rooms in the hotel. we get up to our floor. the men stayed in the elevator and as we get out one of them says, in an aussie or british accent, good night, john. yeah, no shit. i had never seen those guys before. i just ignored them and kept on walking. however, i was jolted.

very spooky and strange and the last time on the trip that i noticed anyone taking any interest in me in a langley sort of way. i had completely forgotten this little incident until i was reading some old emails. even now it seems very bizarre. we were at least 1,000 miles from xian and the russian, chinese terra cotta warrior deal. now out of nowhere i had british MI6(?) guys wishing me a good night. hmm…odd…very odd.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 25, 2014 at 10:31 am

eddie catalina part 4

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after a few drinks and south carolina had defeated the favorite, alabama, eddie decided it was time to move a bit. go outside, look around, take a walk. he left things as they were in the room. including the TV tuned to a football game with the volume loud enough for someone to hear the game if they stood just outside the door.

eddie grabbed a jacket and headed out to the elevator. the paiutes, if that’s who they were, where pretty much everywhere in the casino. he thought of asking one of them what was up and if they were paiutes. that thought was quickly discarded. better to just mind his own business and stay under the radar. everyone’s radar.

when he arrived at the lobby he stopped once again to read the newspaper articles that were posted under glass there about john wayne. it also gave him a few minutes to see if anyone was interested in him. no one seemed to care. he was still curious about the john wayne connection though. maybe he would ask when he checked out. that is if he didn’t just leave without saying a word.

as eddie walked through the small smokey casino the old lust for gambling hit him like a short left hook to the belly. in fact he almost doubled over. easy he thought, this wasn’t the time to get lost in a gambler’s haze. though something did catch his eye towards the back of the casino and the rear exit.

it was a tiny sports book. probably the smallest he’d ever seen. the book employee was even wearing a black and white football referee’s shirt. low end and campy but the board behind the man had all the college games and tomorrow’s pro games. a simple white board with numerous boxes on it. the games had been written in with a black magic marker. the spreads as well along with the over and unders. low end for sure. but none the less all above board and legal with everything you needed to know in order to place a bet.

he stopped to look at the games and the odds. of course, he should have kept on walking but what was the harm? the employee greeted him and eddie spoke.

how long will you be open tonight?

we close right after the last game starts.

hawaii?

no, hawaii is off the board unless they’re playing here on the mainland.

ok.

eddie was still looking at the board. there were a few games that were calling to him. usc stanford for one and boise st had way too many points to cover was another. maybe he could parlay some of the money left from the sale of the stolen caddie into something more. he shook that feeling off as quickly as it it had come on. what the hell was he thinking? maybe it was the vodka. he’d have to watch that.

he stepped outside into the almost late afternoon. it was cool but the air was fresh after the stuffy casino. he breathed deep. coughed. and lit another smoke. he stood there smoking for bit just watching the light traffic and the few people out walking around enjoying the fall afternoon air.

the basque restaurant he wanted to have dinner in was just a short walk away down on the corner. he made his way there and the smell of whatever was cooking inside made his stomach growl. they were already open so he made his way inside to check the specials. a smiling but harried lady asked him if he was going to eat. he said no he was just looking at the specials for now. the bar was almost empty and there were several TV’s on the walls all tuned to the usc stanford pre-game show.

eddie decided this was the place to eat. he almost told the lady he was ready to eat but the siren of the lonely little sports book was calling to him. he turned and left the restaurant. then quickly walked back to the hotel casino. the man in the referee’s shirt was still there. fortunately for eddie he was busy talking to another customer. eddie hurried past them and went up to his room.

once in his room he made himself a stiff drink and tried to settle down. that damn gambling jones. what a time to kick back in he thought. maybe a shower would help. the short hot shower did nothing to calm the siren in his head. the vodka wasn’t helping either. he put on his clothes and went back downstairs.

he should have gone out the entrance by the main desk and then taken the long way round the casino to the basque joint and his dinner. should have being the operative words. eddie walked through the casino and made a bee line to the small sports book. the man in the referee’s shirt was alone.

can i still put some money on usc and boise st?

yes, you just made it.

good. ok. i want to put $1,200 on usc and take the points. another $1,500 on new mexico and take the points.

no problem.

the employee efficiently took care of the money and the rest of the transaction. he handed eddie his betting slip.

i’ll be closing in a short time so if you win come back tomorrow and i’ll take care of you. or you can mail the slip in to the casino. either way.

thanks. i’ll do just that. either way. thanks.

not a problem. have a good evening.

eddie put the slip in his wallet and made his way back to the basque restaurant and dinner.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 24, 2014 at 4:32 am

eddie catalina part 3

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eddie quickly changed and thrown some clothes, the .357, and a few more rounds in a ratty suitcase then ran downstairs. out on the street he spotted the shinny new cadillac sts. in the distance he heard the sirens. lapd was on the way. he looked inside the car and saw the keys. it was unlocked. why not? who would be stupid enough to mess with a mobster’s ride? only a desperate eddie catalina. he got in threw the bag on the passenger side floor then sped away. as the sirens and the lapd drew closer.

eddie had stolen the car and then somehow sold it twenty minutes later. sold it for a nice piece of cash to a crack dealer eddie knew. a crack dealer with an old steamer trunk full of stolen and cold license plates from every state in the union. a crack dealer with visions of his own grandeur. thirty minutes later the car was in a warehouse getting chopped up into parts. parts worth four times what he paid eddie catalina including a set of oregon plates.

for eddie’s part he made his way to a used car lot where he’d paid cash for a seven year old mustang that needed body work. the car looked like crap but it did run well. very well. the car dealer threw in a full tank of gas because eddie had paid cash. what the hell, he could fix the books and pocket several hundred dollars for himself on the deal.

after pulling out of the car lot eddie made his way to a quiet alley and removed the red used car sticker from the rear window of the mustang. eddie also removed the california plates and added his newly acquired oregon plates. even though the plates were expired by several months eddie figured the cops wouldn’t care. after all, he saw plenty of expired california plates every day. the cops had more important stuff to do. expired plates would be an added after thought for some other offense. expired oregon plates? not a problem.

eddie hit the freeway with a new sense of urgency. jesus. he’d just killed two mob guys. then stole their car. thankfully, for a time the cops, and more importantly the mob, would be looking for the cadillac. the mob would find out soon enough what happened. the cops a bit longer. eddie had maybe five or six hours. maybe more. at least he was now sober.

transitioning from the 10 west to the 405 north he was soon on interstate 5 and heading north at a speed where most of the chp’s on the road would leave him alone. once over the grapevine and into the central valley he could open it up a little more.

which he did and he was now in elko, nevada and the stockmen hotel. pacing, smoking, and thinking. the only trouble was the thinking seemed to be getting stuck at the what next part. his next move just wasn’t making itself very clear. at least he felt somewhat safe in his room with a view.

it was saturday and the hotel was busy. busy with a native american indian wedding or something. for some reason eddie figured them for paiutes. he didn’t have any reason other than a hunch. it didn’t matter much other than the fact with all of the paiutes around a few greasy italians in suits or $120 charlie sheen shirts would stand out even more.

all that being said, eddie was getting antsy. he still had a good amount of cash but no plan. no plan other than hitting another basque joint for another lamb dinner with all the traditional sides that night. a few traditional picon punches as well. maybe the TV would help soothe his nerves. he turned it on.

a fall saturday afternoon. television was all about college football. with more games to come later in the evening. what was he thinking? strangely the college games did help soothe his nerves. though they did nothing to help him come up with a plan.

he sat a chair in the middle of the room where he could stand up and check out the front and side views of the hotel while he watched the games. he called room service and ordered some ice and a bottle of vodka. he might as well be comfortable. sure why not?, eddie thought. after he’d lost those mob boys in stockton he could have gone anywhere. eddie hoped they felt the same way.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 21, 2014 at 4:17 am

eddie catalina part 2

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after growing up out in the farmlands that used to surround metropolis los angeles, eddie had moved to downtown l.a. when he was discharged from the army. that had been long ago. forty years ago more or less. things had gone well for him after the army. a thriving business, marriage and family.

thirty five years or so of peace and happiness. then it all started to unravel. slowly. one frayed thread at a time. eddie had started betting on football games. he started out doing alright. most weekends he won the majority of his bets. then something happened. eddie never did figure out what or why. his football acumen just went south on him. he started losing more than he won. not a good thing for any bettor.

instead of just quitting he tried to make up for his bad luck by betting more, more, and more. he not only lost the bets he lost his family as well. his business and his peace of mind. everything. eddie had become some sort of poster boy for gamblers everywhere. not in a good way but the worst possible example.

wife, children, home, and business gone eddie hit rock bottom. though living by his wits and a few odd jobs he kept a roof over his head. things had even started to turn around again. he even had thoughts of setting things straight with his wife and kids. instead, however, that old invincible bettor’s feeling came back and took hold. eddie started betting sports again. mostly college football.

he was actually doing well with his bets. just for a short time though. soon he was back to losing much more than he was winning. he began to drift out of control. there was no stopping him. madness seemed to hold sway. madness to the point of not caring anymore. then it happened. very quickly on a saturday afternoon in the late fall.

eddie catalina had weathered worse weekends but nothing quite like the past one. in some sort of semi delusional death wish he’d taken his car and rent money and bet it all on 10 of the worst college football picks imaginable. sure, some of them looked good and even made sense in that death wish sort of way. but he knew he was in big trouble by mid afternoon on saturday.

the odd thing was he really didn’t care. the third floor walk up in the eastern part of downtown los angeles and his 10 year old car had lost whatever luster was left or ever had been there. things had tumbled out of control and he was resigned to what would come soon enough.

another strange thing was he didn’t even have the car or rent money anymore. after losing the game that tilted the deal below what would mean busting out even he had taken the car and rent money and blown it all and then some. that was even before the total disaster became, oh so apparent. all the money he had was blown on a bizarre drunken whore mongering night in the illegal after hours mexican ‘nightclubs’ in his neighborhood. a long night that found him drunk, alone and asleep at his kitchen table around noon sunday.

the pounding on the door woke him up. it took a second or two to realize it was morning, the sun was up, and he was still drunk. very drunk. stumbling to the door he opened it. two thugs pushed their way inside. the larger of the two shut the door and stood by it.

the smaller one spoke.

so where were you last night? it looks like getting drunk on your sorry ass. and that’s no excuse. there are no excuses. you know the rules. payment is due on all bets at midnight sharp. pay up now plus another $1,000 in vig for our trouble. don’t fucking piss don vincenzo off any more than he already is.

standing there in his under ware, head down looking at the floor he thought, good thing i’m still drunk. maybe the broken bones won’t hurt so bad.

broken bones or maybe. just maybe. yes, a mad hangover haze grab for the rusty but loaded .357 under the three day old newspaper on the table. for you see, as dawn had broke that sunday morning, lonely broke drunken dreams made him pull it out of the bottom of his old army duffel bag. he’d passed out before he could use it. now maybe. just maybe. he could make use of it for some other purpose.

the smaller man slapped him to the floor. eddie used the table to help himself to his feet. his hand slipped under the paper. he gripped the pitted and splintered walnut pistol butt. he spun around firing. his finger pulling the trigger as fast as he could. sound, smoke, and the smell of cordite filled the small room.

the two mobsters lay there bleeding their last seconds of life out onto the cracked yellowed linoleum floor. eddie catalina’s troubles had only just begun.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 18, 2014 at 5:49 am

eddie catalina

with 2 comments

the two open windows provided light and air. they also provided a decent view of the parking lot and the street area to the east. eddie catalina stood in the middle of the room smoking, watching, and pacing. the past two days had been a wild ride. or was it three? adrenaline highs and crashing lows had brought him here. north eastern nevada and the stockmen hotel in elko. the corner suite on the 4th floor. probably not a real suite in most hotels but the view was ok and he could smoke in the room. and with all the photos of john wayne in the lobby maybe the duke had even stayed in the room way back when. tangents. eddie was tired.

he hadn’t smoked in over twenty years but he had started again once the mad cap car trip had begun down in los angeles. probably somewhere in northern california along interstate 5. stockton? maybe. eddie thought he’d spotted a tail somewhere around the tracy turn off. no, he had spotted a tail. smart bastards that they were. someone on or near the over pass. though in the end not that smart.

eddie was a good driver. once the tail was spotted he let the adrenaline kick in and instinct take over. getting enough of a jump on them and then getting off the interstate in the old downtown section of stockton proved to be the right move. after a few one way streets there, a few quick turns, then backtracking he had lost the tail. after losing them he spent ten or fifteen minutes sitting in the shady parking lot of the public health department just to be sure, while getting his nerves back together. nothing of interest in the parking lot other than a few pregnant women coming and going. a few obvious junkies as well. nothing of interest.

after he left the parking lot he had a bit of a problem. he wasn’t sure where the interstate was any more. he drove around for a bit before he found it again. about that time eddie also realized he was hungry. he had seen a chinese restaurant sign a street or so over. not in the mood for mexican it would do. he doubled back. parked on the almost deserted street and went inside. the place was an old huge worn out dump. though the owner was friendly and the food decent enough. best of all he was the only diner.

for some reason after lunch he’d walked across the street and into a liquor store where he bought a carton of camel lights. eddie had been chain smoking them ever since.

from stockton he’d driven straight through to winnemucca, nevada stopping only for gas. he spent the night at the winner’s hotel casino and walking the streets of winnemucca while avoiding the cat houses. a sleepy casino was one thing but the houses were another. a sure fire way of being spotted. instead, he ate a delicious lamb dinner at an old basque hotel before retiring for the night. he was up early and back on the road again before 7. an overnight rain had left the roads shimmering in the early morning sun.

so, here he was in the stockman. elko, nevada. the duke’s old haunt? he was for sure smoking like the duke. two days and six packs of smokes later. jesus. he thought stubbing out a butt and lighting another. what the hell happened? what the hell indeed.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 15, 2014 at 4:41 am

socal madness the final chapter

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the two men in the car full of glass, dead bodies and blood hadn’t said a word until they stopped.

‘what the fuck?’
‘no shit, what the fuck? we’re covered with blood and no windshield is gonna get us pulled over in a heart beat.’
‘yeah. ok. i was gonna suggest we drive it up into the foothills and push it off some cliff and down into a ravine but i dunno now.’
‘that still might work. let’s check the trunk.’

inside the trunk the men found some beach towels and a blanket. ‘ok. we’re in luck. we wipe the car down and stick the dead ladies in the trunk. we just have blood on our backsides. if we make it without getting pulled over and don’t have to get out of the car we’ll be ok.’
‘man, if we get pulled over we’re off to the lethal injection room faster than you can say the lapd planted all this evidence on us.’

the men had been very lucky so far. no sirens sounded in the night other than the normal stuff but it was off in the distance. nothing anywhere close. they had been lucky indeed. one of the men walked out to the street and told the third man to follow them and if they got pulled over to just keep on going. no sense in all of them going down. the men had decided to take the freeway and hope the late hour wouldn’t have many highway patrolmen out or if there were they would hopefully be busy with drunks. plus, it was the quickest way up to the foothills. as it turned out their luck held and they made it up into the foothills in no time.

the road was deserted as they wound their way up into the san gabriel mountains unmolested. they found a good spot after about 15 minutes of driving. a turn out with no guard rail. they pulled in and wiped down the car once more making sure there were no fingerprints or shoe prints in or on the car. even with gloves it paid to be careful. they left the two bodies in the trunk and pushed it over the edge and into the ravine. the car fell several hundred feet and landed on it’s roof. thankfully, no explosion like in the movies. with that they all got into the other car and made their way back home. by the time they got back to their homes it was almost 2am. the two bloodied men showered and bagged up their clothes for later disposal.

the insanity of a summer saturday night continued unabated as the men went about taking care of their business. one of the men phoned the other two and they met again near the dumpster. ‘look. i say we do some more of these bastards. we may never get another chance. if we get popped. we get popped. we been through this before. screw it.’
‘ok. yeah, why not?’
‘alright. let’s do this thing.’

almost 3am and the parade of human stupidity was still in full swing out on the street. perhaps even more so at that late night or early morning hour. a night of drinking and drugs having taken control of the already stupid assholes vapid minds. the men were loaded up and ready to go once again. they didn’t have long to wait. the car was moving down the street with more noise than they had heard in some time. the plan worked again perfectly. two more dead and disposed of assholes.

on their way back from the disposal of the last bodies and car. the men decided to do one more job and make it a statement. they would leave the car in the street with the radio blaring and the dead left were they died in the car.

simple enough but would anyone figure out their insane statement? the three men didn’t care. they were high on all the adrenaline and death.
‘only thing is we don’t do the last one on our street. to close for comfort. we can’t take that chance.’
‘ok.’
‘sure we should be able to find something just about anywhere.’

and they did find something very quickly in the next town over. it hadn’t taken any time at all.

they had pulled to the curb when they heard a car coming from behind them. radio blasting. 4am on a sunday morning and the soon to be terminally stupid were still working at being the assholes they were. the three friends decided to just stop the car and waste whoever was in it. they got out of the car and stood in the street. 3 abreast. blocking the road with their bodies. the car approached and slowed to a stop. the two shooters went to each side of the car and the third held his ground holding a tire iron he had pulled from the trunk.

the three men had hit the jack pot. the car was full. the two shooters emptied their weapons into the car. it was over in a few seconds. though amazingly one of the occupants in the car made it through the killing zone and ran from the car. the friend with the tire iron went after the kid and caught him with a flying tackle. army training kicked in and he broke the kid’s neck with the simple technique he had been taught many years before. he picked the dead kid up and brought him back to the car and laid him out on the hood. the other friends were in their car and had it ready to go. he picked up the tire iron from the street and joined his three friends. they left the scene and headed home.

the car sat there in the street with it’s stereo blasting and the dead kid on the hood for five minutes or so before another car load of assholes came down the street and found what had been left there. the police were called and they spent well into the the daylight hours of sunday morning trying to figure out just what had happened.

of course they never did. they thought it was this or maybe that but it really wasn’t any of those things. then the other cars started turning up. or more precisely parents started to finally wonder where their stupid children were and called the police. all the cars turned up and the dead bodies found. the last to turn up was the car in the ravine. it took several weeks before some one pulled off into the turnout, got out of their car, and actually looked down over the edge.

all the killings made a big splash in the media. there was the usual tsk tsking, along with smirking feigned outrage at the carnage but it was good for ratings and the sharks that they were kept it up for as long as they could. the late development of the car in the ravine added fuel to their sanctimonious eye brow raising. however, in the end, the story just faded away like they all eventually do. the police gave up and went about their business of trying to quell the turning tide of insanity that seemed to have a death grip on the local society.

the three friends? they never spoke of that night again. not even when it was just the three of them sitting and sipping a beverage out on the patio during the patio drinking season. they had made their point though no one actually got what the point was. but they knew and that after all that was all that really mattered.

though separately they did often think and wonder if it might not be a bad idea to do it all over again. one day. perhaps one day.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 10, 2014 at 6:13 am

socal madness part 4

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several days later the car and body were finally discovered when someone passing by noticed a strong odor emanating from the parked car. the death of the asshole barely made a blip on the tv or radio news. though it did manage to grab a few inches of space in the local fish wrap. the police made a cursory attempt at trying to find any witnesses to the crime and the whole matter was seemingly dropped soon after.

the 3 desperate friends were buoyed by this turn of events. ‘it’s like i told you guys. the cops have their hands full. just another dead body among lots of dead bodies. they don’t have the time or the manpower for any of this.’

so, with that the next night they shot out three consecutive street lights on the street where they lived. it was a wednesday night and they planned to carry out the next mad part of the plan late saturday night and early sunday morning of the coming weekend. that is if the electric company didn’t fix the lights before then.

saturday came and the lights were still out of order. they caught a break as their wives or girlfriends had gone out of town and off to vegas for the weekend. a simple enough plan and worth the money it cost the three men to send them away. the three men met for their final meeting before the insane rampage was set to begin.

‘i’m still the shooter.’
‘yeah, fine. but i’ve been thinking we may need another piece. just in case things go sideways.’
‘hmm, maybe.’
‘he’s right. no problem, i’ll bring my .22 auto along for fire support.’
‘shorts only.’
‘yep, and i’ll attach a stocking to the ejector.’
‘good deal.’
‘ya know we may need a heavy piece if things really go sideways.’
‘too much noise.’
‘if i tape a plastic coke bottle to the barrel of my .357 i can get one good heavy round off with about as much noise as the .22. we might need it.’
‘ok.’
‘alright set it up and bring it. though the thing is with the wheel gun lots of noise from other than the barrel.’
‘good point. i’ll work something out that will keep it free enough for one kill shot.’
‘yes, that sounds good.’

the three men spent the day as they normally did. however, late that night around midnight, they all crept quietly and unseen from their homes. they met near one of the trash dumpsters not far from the street.

the shooter was dressed in light clothing to make it easier for the cars to see him as he stepped off the curb and into their path. the other two were dressed in dark clothes. as a prop, the shooter also had a six pack of tall bud in cans. they stood around not saying much while they waited for their first victim. they didn’t have too long to wait.

like always they heard the car coming several blocks away. the shooter and his friends got ready. the shooter on one side of the street and the other two along with their fire support pieces on the other. as the car drew closer the loud music thumped and banged like concussions from an explosion. when it was about 30 yards away the shooter stepped from the curb with the six pack in his hand. the .22 in his other and at his side. he wobbled into the street and stood in the car’s path.

the car slowed and stopped. there were two occupants. both males in their 20’s. they stopped and began yelling at the shooter to get the fuck out of the street and out of their way. the music still blared. the shooter walked up to the driver’s side and quickly put two shots in the driver’s face. as he pushed the dead body to the side he put two more shots into the head of the passenger. it was over before it began as the other members of the mad group came out of the shadows and dealt with the vehicle and it’s dead passengers. as planned, one drove the car several blocks away and the other followed. the shooter stepped back into the shadows to watch and wait. fifteen minutes later the other men were back and reported no problems. the car and bodies were left to be found at a later date and time when the smell would make them visible.

not long after their return the familiar blare of another car stereo was heard, this time from the other direction. just like the first time the shooter stepped in front of the car. the car stopped and more yelling for him to get out of the road. he walked up to the driver side window and put two shots into the startled face of the driver. then 2 more into the passenger’s head before he realized there were two more people in the back seat. he got off two more shots into the chest of the third victim as the fire support .22 took care of the last passenger in a similar fashion. they all quickly secured the dead bodies and the car was driven off in an other direction to be parked and abandoned with it’s dead cargo still inside.

when the three insane friends met again, at the side of the dumpster, they were amazed and happy at what had gone down. it had been fairly easy. even their cold blooded murders had been easy, they said. no regrets or sadness at what they had done. they also agreed the fire support piece had been a very good idea. in the midst of all this happiness a third car was heard.

the three went to their positions and waited. this car had the stereo at levels even they had not heard before. it seemed as if they could hear the studs vibrate in the homes on the street as the car approached. it was one thing to hear them vibrate inside a house but to hear them vibrate while standing out on the street gave them all pause. this car was probably waking the dead. the shooter knew he had to be quick with this one. someone might look outside to see just who this asshole was as he passed by.

there were only two people in this car. the driver and her passenger, another young woman. as the car neared him the shooter stepped off the curb and in front of the car. this time instead of yelling the driver laid on the horn and kept coming. the shooter stood his ground and the car barely stopped before it could hit him. he knew time was short. so did the fire support shooter. the main shooter emptied his magazine into the front window. the support piece emptied into the passenger side of the car. the 20 rounds did what they were meant to do. though it was the one round from the silenced .357 that killed the driver. however, the shattered windshield presented them with a major problem.

without saying a word the shooter joined the driver in the car and they drove away from the mad scene. the other friend followed. none of them was sure if anyone had looked outside with all the horn honking and general loud insanity coming from the street. they would know soon enough if sirens were heard. they turned the stereo off and the shooter, who was in the passenger seat, quickly broke out what was left of the windshield. that took care of the obvious problem. the other problem was there were four people in the front seat. two of them being dead. the driver pulled into an alley behind a small strip mall. fortunately for the men it was a very dark alley. the third friend knew they were in a fix and didn’t follow them into the alley. he pulled to the curb, shut off his lights, and waited.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 8, 2014 at 4:28 am

socal madness part 3

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the early spring and summer passed with little change from any other early spring and summer. the three friends sat and drank each evening in the soft summer evening light of southern california. the summer progressed into the hot damp nasty dog days of august. the time when sleep was fitful and restless at best. the thumpity thump of the weekend car traffic made it even worse. sleep became a rare and precious commodity. for the three old friends the lack of sleep, once again, became a part of their daily evening conversation.

‘man, this heat and humidity is killing me. i can’t sleep. when i do doze off the chumps and their car stereos jolt my old ass wide awake.’
‘yeah, it’s a never ending cycle this time of year.’
‘you boys had enough?’
‘enough of what?’
‘oh, shit, he’s back on that again?’
‘what do you think? of course i am. you think i want to end up like my old man and piss my pants every time i take a leak? stuck with wearing a kotex in my underwear for years, until i finally die? no, thanks. i’m not going to out live my future. i’m not doing that. there comes a time when what’s the point? it’s quality not quantity. i mean to take some of these assholes out. if i die, fine. if i get caught the state can keep me in kotex till i die. fuck it. the state ain’t gonna catch me. no way. i’m fucking doing this. if you guys help, it will be a piece of cake. if not, well, i’ll manage. somehow.’

as usual the other two friends just sat there and looked at each other. neither saying a word for what was probably half an hour. finally one of them spoke.
‘ok. yeah, pants pissing. jesus. i hear you. life just sorta gets worse and worse. daily shit goes down the tube faster than an unassisted hard on disappears.’
‘ain’t that the truth? it’s not like we have much going for us. i mean other than this. and this is just, well, getting to the point of, sorry, just some sort of sewing circle type shit but with drinks.’
‘sad but true. ok. looks like we are signing on to this madness of yours. what the fuck?’
‘i guess we are. seems like we may as well. i don’t want to end up stinking of piss and shit in my really golden years. fuck that. either a blaze of glory or the state can deal with my sorry ass. either way, i don’t care.’
‘yeah, seems like that’s the case. ok. count me in.’

they rose as one and touched bottles or glasses together and sealed the insane mad plan.

to saner men, this pact, seemingly dredged up from the bowels of hell would have given them pause. why should lack of sleep and the stupidity of the young, along with the fears of the old, make anyone want to kill? indeed, why? to those three men the answer would be, why not? why not, retaliate against the rampant madness all around them? why not take out something that is nothing more than a cancer on the breast of society? take out something that is abhorrent to any civilized man. yes, so it seems, the mad plan had some legs. madness, seemingly coming to a head. the one who’s original plan it was shook his head and said, ‘finally.’

several days passed until the madness was spoken of again. ‘ok. look, we need a rehearsal before the harder stuff goes down. i have someone in mind. you guys know who it is.’
‘yeah. tell me about it. i know. ha ha. the asshole who every morning before 6am has his car radio blaring for 5 or 10 minutes in the garage while god knows what the hell is going on in his house.’
‘right on, my brother. it’s that dumb fucker.’
‘ha ha. i’m with you on that. sure, we should have done him long ago. sorry ass inconsiderate fuck that he is.’
‘ok. look. we do this guy first. it ain’t gonna be easy with the early morning light but we have history going for us. we have the real early morning assholes then there’s a break until this dick rolls out to work. we have a window of maybe 5 minutes, way more than enough time for the deal to go down. i say we go monday morning. agreed?’
‘ok.’
‘yeah, sure.’
‘solid. we go monday morning.’

sunday night the three now totally insane friends met for the evening of patio drinking. ‘alright. the asshole starts his car and has the car stereo blaring. he goes back in the house for 5 or so minutes.. he comes back out and leaves. when he comes out i’m in the garage and i double tap him. we toss him in the car and drive away.’
‘i like it. man, like you said the car stereo covers the .22 shorts.’
‘yeah, we should have done this piece of crap long ago. what were we thinking?’
the reply came in unison, ‘damned if i know.’
‘one thing though. we need to police the brass.’
‘oh, shit. yeah, we sure do.’
‘piece of cake. i’ll just attach some nylon stocking thing to the ejector and let it catch the brass. lots easier than fumbling around on the ground trying to find it.’
‘sounds good.’

so, the next morning the three friends were up even before the rat bastards and their car stereo insanity began.
‘ok, first thing. we all wear gloves.’
‘yes.’
‘right.’
‘i cap him. we toss him in the car and you drive him a couple of blocks away. you follow and bring him back. remember to lock the car and be sure the windows are rolled up. then you guys drive over to the super wally’s mart and toss the keys in one of the dumpsters out back. or down some drain someplace as you drive by. don’t matter, just get rid of them and make sure no one sees you.’
‘solid. no problem.’
‘i hope so. if we pull this one off, we are in. the late night early morning stuff will be a piece of cake.’
‘right on.’
‘let’s do it.’

thirty minutes later the man who did the same thing each and every morning started his car in the garage and left it there with the radio blaring. it was only a few minutes before 6am, but of course he, being an asshole, was totally oblivious to his own rampant stupidity. it was to be his last morning of such utter disregard for his fellow neighbors. as he stepped from the house and into his garage two barely audible shots rang out. the dumb ass was dead before he hit the ground.

the two other friends quickly gathered him up and tossed him into the front seat of the car. with the garage door closing one of the friends drove off with the radio still at ungodly levels for any time of the day. the other friend followed. three blocks to the east they found a quite residential street and left the car with the dead asshole stuffed down on the floorboards of the passenger side of the car. locked it up then dumped his car keys in a storm drain two blocks further east.

the whole sad affair was over and done within 10 minutes, tops. the three friends gathered at a local ihop for breakfast to celebrate and discuss their mornings work.
‘boys, like i have been telling you. simple easy. right?’
‘yeah, easy as pie.’ ‘ok. when do we start for real?’
‘let’s don’t get too greedy. we wait for a day or two and see what happens. then we go for it.’

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 6, 2014 at 5:04 am

socal madness part 2

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it hadn’t always been like this, the dim witted borderline imbeciles driving around trying to be cool with their car stereos blaring at ungodly levels. as a matter of fact, the whole damn thing just more or less snuck up on the saner of the population. oh sure, back in the late 80′s early 90′s, some cities passed ordinances concerning loud car stereos and such. those ordinances got buried in the crime wave of drugs and the general stupidity of the general population causing local cops more trouble and work than they had cops on patrol. plus, even the dull and stupid have to work at some point in their dull and stupid lives doing dull and stupid work. so, the ear shattering rancid music wasn’t particularly bad during the work week. at times, it could be but for the most part it was on the weekends when the dull and stupid got even duller and stupider. the spring and summer months meant weekends full of bad music played at levels that could probably be heard on mars.

the next evening the 3 nam vets met again for the second night of the season of patio drinking and chatting. they had been doing it for so long they had forgotten just how the whole deal had begun. it didn’t matter, as it was really just time to get away from their wives or girlfriends. a time for some booze and no female asking them dull insipid questions like why they needed to drink every day with their weird and or loser friends. among other things. ah, yes, like most men they had bid farewell to the simple life long ago. the evening, being a monday, and of course, a work week night meant for a relatively peaceful evening for outside sitting and sipping. the peace and quiet was only broken at odd intervals by the ear shattering so called music.

‘you know, i don’t think i’m going to make it.’
‘make what? are you sick or something?’
‘no, nothing like that. i mean, i don’t think i’m going to make it through another summer of this blaring car stereo shit.’

the other two friends gave each other a look. the other friend continued.

‘you know it could be done.’
‘the man is talking in riddles this evening. now what?’
‘killing the dumb ass kids as they drive down the street.’
‘man, you are crazy. there’s no way you are gonna get away with that action. it’s just plain crazy.’
‘i don’t like it any better than you do but he’s right, ain’t no way. none of us do, but man, that’s just crazy.’
‘i don’t think so. i think it could be pulled off. actually fairly simple. you want to hear about it or not?’

the idea made the other two men uncomfortable but they decided to listen to their friend’s crazy idea. they had nothing better to do and it was a nice warm spring time evening with plenty of wine and cold beer.

‘alright. go ahead.’
‘ok. the really annoying shit goes down on weekends late in the evening or early morning when the really stupid crazy ones are out being annoying and probably stoned, drunk, or both.’
he noticed he had their attention so he continued. ‘there isn’t much traffic on the road other than them. you can hear them coming from blocks away. now remember, they have the windows down. we could use a simple…’
‘now hold on, sport. what’s this we shit? don’t be dragging us into your murder one conviction.’
‘you gonna listen or what? just hear me out.’
‘shit. go ahead.’

‘thank you. we take a page from the viet cong tax collectors. we just step out on to the road and stop them. instead of demanding tax money, we cap them with two behind the ear or where ever. see, we have several things in our favor. night time, rolled down windows, and the loud music to cover the gun shots. which wouldn’t be that loud anyways. a .22 auto loaded with shorts. pretty quiet even without the help of the music.’

the other two friends sat there in a stunned silence. they realized he wasn’t kidding and had seemingly thought things out enough to the point, where he knew he would need their help if he wanted to carry out his insane plan. one of them spoke.

‘yeah, ok. it might be night but what about the street lights?’
‘we shoot a couple of them out. it takes edison weeks to replace a broken street light. if they ever do.’
‘you really think some stoned out drunken asshole kid is gonna stop just cause you jump out in front of him?’

‘sure with a few props. they need to see you in the dark so some sorta light colored clothing needs to be worn, and most importantly, you’re carrying a six pack of beer. they think you’re just some old drunken vato and at the least they slow way down or stop in hopes of snagging a brew off your drunk ass. the .22 auto is in your hand but out of sight. they aren’t gonna see it anyway. they’ll be looking at the beer. they stop. you walk up to the window. the music is still blaring. you stick the gun in the car and pop pop. it would be over before they knew what hit them.’

more stunned silence. ‘alright. what happens if there’s a car load of the fucks?’
‘plenty of ammo in the clip to pop them all. they will be too stunned to manage much of any kind of response if you hammer down fast enough…no real problem.’
‘man. you are talking about cold blooded murder.’

‘yeah. i guess so. i don’t care anymore. things are just too out of control. the stupid breed like rabbits and then don’t even bother to half ass take care of their kids or teach them anything half ass useful. it’s every man for himself. the fuckers don’t care about anything. you’ve seen them out at the mailbox. they open it it up and just toss the junk mail out into the street for the wind to take away. they think it doesn’t matter or they’re just to important or stupid to be bothered with throwing away trash properly. they’re oblivious to any normal human decency when they’re out in public. you go to a store, you better give them a wide berth or you’re asking for trouble. especially if they’re fucked up, which is pretty much all the time. yeah, i know we got fucked up too. but we didn’t try to get into a fight just because someone wandered by and we didn’t like the looks of them. i’m sick of these fuckers and it’s time to deal with them.’

the second night of the patio drinking and chatting season had come to an abrupt end.

jmh

Written by john hauge

July 3, 2014 at 4:21 am

socal madness part 1

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you could hear it coming from at least 2 or 3 blocks away. by the time it passes, the walls of the house were vibrating like a snare drum. and it seemed as if the drywall was going to fall off. you couldn’t hear yourself think. how they could stand to listen to the so called music at such volumes was, in itself, amazing. the future, hey, look at me, generation, would all be stone deaf by the time they were 30. if they lived that long. maybe that’s what they were figuring.

though it was hard to say with the majority of youth these days. or at least that’s what the 3 friends told each other as they sat outside in the patio drinking beer or wine on temperate evenings. it wasn’t so bad in the colder months as the dumb fuckers needed to have their windows rolled up against the cold and the car stereo turned down to more moderate levels. even they couldn’t handle the crappy music at it’s usual warm weather levels in an enclosed car.

it was late fall and the 3 men were just about ready to call an end to the outside drinking season. a bit too chilly for their old bones. not to mention muscles and joints that seemed unable to unwind after sitting and drinking in the cool fall evening air. it didn’t take long for another ear piercing car load of kids to race by. the friends just looked at one another and shook their heads. nothing to be said. it had all been said before. numerous times. or had it?

one of them spoke, ‘damn. i’m sick of those little fuckers and their loud crappy music and their fucked up attitudes in general. seems like we should do something about it.’

‘yeah, sure, like what?’, one replied. the other friend just sat there sipping his wine. listening. the second friend continued, ‘what do you suggest? maybe shoot the little fucks?’

‘hmm. yeah, that thought has crossed my mind a time or two when they drive by at 2am in the summertime with the stereo blaring. i’m damn sick and tired of those wake up calls.’

the third friend spoke, ‘i think we’re all sick and tired of that. it’s getting cold. let’s go inside before we can’t move at all.’ with that the men went inside and the patio drinking season came to an end.

winter passed quickly for the 3 old men. but then time seemed to pass more quickly with each passing day for them all. winter should be no different. with the advent of warmer weather and fairly tolerable early evening weather, the 3 friends, once again, gathered in the patio for their nightly chat, along with a taste of beer or wine. the warm weather also meant that along with the swallows coming back to capistrano, the local youths would have their car windows rolled down and the sound system cranked up at levels high enough to vibrate nails from wooden 2x4s. it wasn’t long before the seemingly endless parade of high decibel ear piercing vehicles made their way up and down the city streets.

‘those little fuckers. damn it, i didn’t go off to nam to come home and get spit on and then in my so called, goddamn golden years, have to put up with those little cock suckers and their shitty so called music 24 hours a day. what the fuck?’

‘yeah, me too. i’m getting to old for this. i need my beauty sleep. something should be done. maybe we should start going to city council meetings or something.’

‘fat lot of good that’s going to do. those assholes are more concerned with lining their pockets than actually helping any of their fellow citizens. unless of course, it’s an election year and they are running scared figuring the new asshole is going to thump them in november. then they just might, maybe, trim a few trees on your block, if you grease the campaign coffer a bit.’

the reticent member of that band of brothers said, ‘maybe, just maybe, there’s something we can do after all.’ the other two looked at him with a glimmer of hope in their eyes. as he never said much but when he did it usually amounted to something or another the other 2 could at least agree with. ‘we could could start capping the little bastards. one fucking car at a time.’

‘sweet , jesus, and i thought you were gonna have something useful to say.’

‘that’s right. what the fuck? start capping the little bastards. this ain’t nam and the little creeps aren’t viet cong.’

‘yes, they are. nothing more nothing less. just stupid little fucks who want nothing more than to fuck everyone else’s lives up. they are too stupid to know any better. their parents are as dumb as they are and they probably encourage their shitty behavior. capping the rancid shits would probably get us a medal in saner times.’

‘holy shit, brother.’

the other two friends sat and looked at each other. no one said anything for a time. not even when the next car or two passed with it’s ear shattering thumpaty thump thump thumping noise. finally one of them spoke, ‘hey, my ears are gonna start bleeding. let’s call it a night. maybe there’s still a ball game on or something.’

with that, the first evening of the warm weather patio beer and wine drinking season came to an end, on a rather odd note. the talk of killing the abusers of peace and quiet had put a damper on the festivities. there wasn’t a game on the tube, so the others made their way back to their respective houses and that first night of the drinking season came to an end. however, a seed had been planted. in the fitful tossing and turning nights, so called sleep, the seed began to germinate.

jmh

Written by john hauge

June 30, 2014 at 1:48 pm

a flash of fiction

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john zen, pi 

the hot anvil sun had finally dipped into the pacific as john zen pulled up to his office, a second floor walk up in downtown l.a.  not really l.a. anymore but more like downtown tj, zen thought, as he slipped the key into the lock.  tired, gritty, and thinking only of velda, his busty secretary, he didn’t notice the the door was already open.  yeah, velda, he thought, some cheap scotch and a bubble bath with velda.  wash away the grime of crime from this world weary soul and partake in her lusty charms.  in your dreams, zen, he thought, as he pushed the door open revealing a scantily clad mexican babe of indeterminate age.

senor, zen?
that’s me, honey.
oh, senor zen, you must help me.  my brother, he has been kidnapped by columbian drug lords.
i see, so why don’t you just call the cops?
i can not, senor zen, i…we…are not in your country legally…and the drug lords will kill my brother if i do.

crap, just what i need, zen thought, as he pulled a flask from a desk drawer and drank heavily from it.  lighting a fresh pall mall he spoke again.

look, sister, i’m tired, ok?  this isn’t a job for me.  it’s for the cops or somebody else, dig?  i’m just a private dick.  a one man army against a tidal wave of crime.  plus, and it’s a big plus, they will not only kill your brother they will kill me too.  now scram. i have bills to pay.

oh, senor zen, you must help me…puhhhleeseeezeee…

the micro mini she was wearing dropped to the floor.  her ample yet firm breasts teased him from across the desk top.

all of this is yours.  whenever you want it, she cooed.

hmmmmm, yes, perhaps i’ve been a bit rash after all, my dear.  come, kneel here under my desk while i go over these bills and you go to work on my tool.  ah, yeah, that’s nice…ahhh…yes.

in his blow job bliss, zen, missed the dark hispanic male sneaking into his office.  the narco terrorist killed them both with a single shot.

jmh
 

Written by john hauge

June 21, 2014 at 8:45 am

a fictional life(?)

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i was a priest for a time.  the head vicker at a young girls, well, not that young of a girls school.  it sat on the border of southern france and northern italy.  the school was equally divided between the two countries.  a strange thing indeed but just a simple hold over from the middle ages.  some of the parents didn’t appreciate some of the things i thought necessary to teach the young ladies.  i used to tell them, better me than some lout from the streets, with no prospects teaching them, things.  sadly, they weren’t amused.  of course, the police of both backward countries had to became involved.  i made a hasty departure.  fond memories for me none the less.

at some point or another i became a doctor.  just how, is still clouded in mystery.   with the help of a good plastic surgeon and some minor facial reconstruction i was able to make my way back into italy.  where i secured the position of, dean of tarts, at the university of bologna.  the position suited me well.  as a tart is a tart, in any man’s language.  and believe me they were tarts, with much to learn.  after a time, as things generally go with men, i became bored with the dean of tarts gig.  don’t get me wrong, the young italian ladies were spectacular.  but like i said, i was bored.  so i just up and left when i noticed the police were spending time on the campus. 

i wandered about here and there living by my wits and good looks for what may have been many months.  it was so long ago and furtive i can hardly re-call that time with much clarity today.  then one day i found myself in shanghai, china, drinking german beer with a portly, good natured chinese gentleman.  he suggested that i should come to work for him at his all girls school there in shanghai.  teaching of course, english, to those lovely pearls of the orient.  had he known just what else i would be teaching them he may have had second thoughts.  things went swimmingly for some time, as the girls had a rabid desire to learn from a great master.

i blossomed in china, even starting a side job teaching english and other arts to the girl’s mothers.  in the process, i nearly wore myself out, causing great consternation far and wide.  culminating in another hasty departure during the wee hours of the morning.  something, of course, i’m an expert in doing.

set adrift again in life’s waters i roamed far and wide.  teaching what i could in what little time it always seemed i had.  whenever i tried setting down some roots.  the roots never took as the time between moves grew shorter and shorter.  it seemed i always left a bit of myself behind with each furtive escape into night’s darkness.  just like some depraved 20th century johnny appleseed.

so there you have it.  a somewhat condensed version of my of pathetic life.  i trust you will keep it under your hat as there are still husbands and fathers out there searching for me.  though in my new life, as an internet douche bag, i doubt they will ever find me.  sadly, if they do.  i’ll have to pack my kit and sneak off on yet another lonely moonless night.  to perhaps wend my way through life’s byways and highways to…your town. 

this mornings music provided by, miles davis, ‘sketches of spain’.

jmh
 

Written by john hauge

June 7, 2014 at 9:15 am

a little bit of drive-in movie madness

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this story has appeared here a few times. folks seem to enjoy it. anyway, it is what it is. i should write something new but…meh. for some reason re-doing this has screwed up my front page. it also refuses to be fixed. sweet.

jmh

drive-in movies are a thing of the past. they played a sorta minor major role in my life at times over the years. you don’t see them around here much anymore. land is too expensive for that use now a days.  as for the rest of the country i don’t know. though it’s probably the same.

when i was a kid there were 2 local drive-ins. well, in the early years actually only one, the ‘valley drive-in’.  it had a really neat neon sign on the back of the screen. a spanish vaquero with a couple of oxen pulling an ox cart, of all things. i think i might even have a photo of it buried someplace in an email account. too far underground to find. at any rate during the day it was a very nice sorta mural. at night it was magic. there was also a monkey house located inside. the typical monkey deal of years ago.
lots of really pissed off monkey’s running around in a not very clean monkey house. by high school or sooner the monkey house was closed down. no one really missed
it.

times change of course and movie viewing has changed as well. if i’m not mistaken, my first trip to the valley drive-in was to see ‘the bridge on the river kwai’, yeah a long time ago. lots of grade b horror films as a youngster as well.  one of the neighbor ladies loved crappy horror flicks. she would take her son and a few others along to be her runners for the snack bar.  yeah, she was a big one.  one of the original junk food junkies.

by the time high school rolled around we drove ourselves to the drive-in it became standard to try and avoid the entry fee.  a couple of guys curled up in the trunk was the obvious place.  as night fell and the show started trunks opened up and kids got out. they got wise to that action and started asking kids to open the trunk up at the gate.  a friend of mines parents owned a vw bus sorta tricked out camper style. there was a tiny closet just big enough for one of us to hide in and under one of the bench seats 2 of us
could squeeze inside the box frame.  totally uncomfortable and cramped but it worked. they would ask to look inside the van but they never came in and searched. the things kids do to save a dollar.

i suppose the real allure to drive-ins was the fact that there seemed to be all kinds of action there for young hormone powered youths, there was, usually in the last couple of rows. the date crowd. which was fine. though if you didn’t have a date the movie, after awhile, became secondary with all the hormones careening wildly about. then it became a search for babes.

most of the time it was wishful thinking especially if you were drunk. which more often than not was the case. amazing amounts of red mountain dago red swilled in those high school drunken drive-in days. the usual scenario was watch the first movie and get drunk. by half way through the movie alcohol infused hormones took over.  semi demented youths wandering about looking for unescorted babes.

it was like, over there. see em? yeah, lets get closer. they seem hot. ok. cool. look, no one is parked next to them. let’s move. so back to the car and the move was made.generally speaking it was a called strike three. then it was off to greener pastures. more often than not with the same results. cars driving around or kids walking around looking for some action. action that was a white rhino if you get my drift.  though sometimes the action was great. you don’t always take a called third strike.

i remember one night vividly. it occurred late in my drive-in life.  i even remember the movie. hitchcock’s, ‘torn curtain’, the cold war spy drama. a good movie i guess but to complicated for a couple of drunk guys to follow.  then it became let’s find babes.  no walking too drunk for that.  we’ll drive around instead.  at the time i had a 1962 ford falcon station wagon. 3 on the tree. ah, 3 speed stick shift,on the column.  a real babe magnet for sure.  yeah, uh huh.  though as a surf wagon it worked out nicely. also for those semi rare lucky times.  drifting.

we wandered drunkenly about finding a car of babes here and there and of course they want nothing to do with us.  we of course got drunker and drunker.  we’ve searched pretty much the whole place.  no luck. only place left are the slots up front. we had avoided those due to the high family occupancy rate.  close to the restrooms and play area. desperate times and desperate measures.  we ventured into the family zone. too drunk to care. too stupid to realize what we were getting ourselves into.

the slots up front were on a semi hill.  they had to be in order for you to see the screen.  ergo, the closer to the screen the higher the hill.  a combination of quantum physics, geometry and drive-in engineering.  something way beyond our drunken state. we found an empty spot beside a family and a couple of babes right in the front row.  i managed to park the car without any trouble.  the ladies were not amused. nor interested. time to move.  getting in the spot was easy getting out turned into a nightmare.  the
hill bump whatever was as steep as any hill in san francisco.  even sober they can be death defying with a stick shift.  i couldn’t got off the hill.  we were stuck.

in some sort of mack sennett moment we came up with the idea of the century. i would man the wheel, of course, as well as the clutch and hand break if needed. my friend would get on the floor and operate the gas and the brakes.  yeah, fucking genius at work. pure drunken logic.  i don’t know how long it took to finally get out of there but the clutch was damn near on fire by the time we did.  hell, it stunk so bad itmay have been on fire. lots of yelling on my part. more gas! less brake!! stomp on it!!  the engine revving to rpms not meant for it’s simple 6 cylinders. why the police weren’t called i’ll never know. they may have been.  by the time we got off the hill we realized we had better leave.

there ya go.  drive-in movie madness.  there were times my friends and i had dates for the drive-in. those are for another time.  perhaps.  though one date the friend from the story and i had with 2 lovely surfer girl types is the reason i started to think about those drive-in days.  of course the date was a bust for both of us way early in the evening. i don’t think the sun had even set. the ladies ended up sitting together in the backseat while my friend and i at up front and got very drunk. the lady who was my date for that long ago evening died last month. i just found out about it this past weekend.  life comes at you hard and way too fast.

ok. i found the photo of the valley drive-in.  valley-drive-in-theatre

the date mentioned above passed away in 2010 i believe. my friend in the story passed away this past march 2014.

music provided by, the art farmer quintet, ‘blame it
on my youth’.

jmh

 

Written by john hauge

June 6, 2014 at 12:22 pm

fly me to the moon

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we’ve landed
again
in
las vegas.

actually more
like
drove in.

sinatra
live
at the
sands.
&
some ella
soothe
&
cool
the ride.

we like the
drive.
once
past
barstow

the real
deal
desert
kicks in.

the austere
moon like
desert
filled with
dappled
colors.

crystal city
and our
favorite
hotel
the
palazzo.

visions of
foie gras
dance in
our
heads.

five chances
to play
dress-up
for
dinner.

dead
ghosts
like frank
&
the soprano
crew

walk
the
casino
floors
once again.

i suppose i’ve always liked las vegas. i think it might even be hereditary. mom and dad were married there in the spring of 42 just a couple years before he shipped out to euroland and the war. yeah, sure there was a fairly long spell when i’d hit lake tahoe, rather than vegas, either on pre or post dove hunting up in the central valley. it was nice. quiet. a good place for cards and drinks. plenty of drinks. a late breakfast around 10 or 11. steak. eggs. carbs. plenty of carbs. then campari and soda. with a twist. until i’d fall into bed whenever. even a nice elevator ride chat with patti labelle once. drink still in hand. i oozed how wonderful she and her sisters had been that night down in the showroom. i hadn’t seen them. it just seemed like the right thing to say. though i’m sure they were. or maybe getting off on the wrong floor and scaring some guy so bad he hid in the ice/coke machine room. i thought i was on the right floor. ah, no. two floors from where i was supposed to be. poor dude. i wonder who he thought i was? yeah, tahoe. nice place. maybe even in the winter. i wouldn’t know.

back when i was a kid when my folks hit vegas, tahoe, reno, carson city etc. i was dragged right along. my dad would look for a dice game and mom would find some quiet slot area and i’d watch her play. it would last for awhile but eventually some guy would show up and tell my mother i wasn’t welcome. i’d end up out in the car. napping or people watching until it was time to leave. i guess i was lucky i wasn’t kidnapped or worse. but then those were different times. stuff did happen but not nearly as often as these days.

when i got older but still not 21 i’d play the slots with mom. usually the same end however. i was told to leave. i was also lucky i never hit a jackpot. they would have kept it. no sitting in the car though. i’d just wander. looking.

one of my favorite vegas trips was right after i got back from the nam. my folks took me. the trip was on dad. i don’t remember much other than a very nice dinner at the top of the mint hotel. perfect red fatty protein. then after dinner mom and i went to a show. vic damone and jan murray. vic was great. jan was killer hilarious.

that trip was the first time i followed dad around while he looked for a dice game. he knew what he was looking for, and maybe or maybe not, he’d find it. the game. he had an instinct for it. when he did find what he was looking for and played. he won. i could never figure it out. maybe if he’d taught me craps at age 5 instead of poker i’d know. at any rate, it was always interesting to tag along on his dice game hunts.

they’re both gone now. though i’m sure when the brown eyed girl and i make one of our vegas runs they tag right along. dinner at joel robuchon’s or bouchon. happy that we’re happy. how do i know this? hmm, yeah. ok.

my dad passed away a couple of years ago. mom a few years before that. we had planned a vegas trip in june but dad got sick. or sicker. we had to cancel. he passed away not long after. we went in july. we usually make a pit stop at a mickey d’s in barstow. as we were leaving this big fly made an appearance. you know doing one of those fly dance things when it’s hot and sorta humid. buzzing you. it even made it to the inside the car.

the most persistent fly i’ve ever seen. as we got back on the 15 we played the game of cracking a window and shooing it out. somehow it always managed to get back in. this went on for a while. we eventually got it out of the car but it somehow attached itself to one of the windshield wipers. all of this at 75 miles an hour. it hung on for a time then miraculously got sucked into the cars ventilation system and ended up back inside the car. unharmed. the brown eyed girl and i looked at one another and at the same time said, it’s dad. maybe it was. maybe it wasn’t. maybe we’ll never know. but, well, you get those feelings at times. that’s all i can say.

las vegas. yeah, it’s hereditary.

jmh

Written by john hauge

June 1, 2014 at 5:05 am

wishful thinking

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this first appeared back in february of 08. i’d forgotten i’d written it. though with yet another election looming soon i’ve already voted. the ass hats just don’t know it yet. for you see i sent my official absentee ballot material through the shredder. it’s been six years since i wrote this and we’re not any closer to it happening than we were six years ago. a sad thing.

jmh

lots of wishful thinking on my part over the years on lots of different stuff.  anything from the chance meeting of say, heidi klum, where we immediately fall into to bed and live happily ever after.  or perhaps, the twice weekly i’m going to be the next california super lottery winner wishful thinking.  i think the odds on either of those things happening are probably both in the same ballpark.  a ballpark with very long odds and over 375 feet down each line to the foul pole. 

i’m not the first person to wishful think either of the two i mentioned.  not by a long shot.  male or female.  for either.  yeah, heidi’s that hot.  drifting here.  no, it’s the political season of the witch, no, not necessarily, lady machill.  it’s just this season of endless political weirdness that over the years has become just annoying and nauseating and finally culminating with my withdrawing from all elections.

i have some wishful thinking that might drag me back into the fray.  the problem being is that’s just what it is because the humps in charge of both major parties and probably the fringe groups as well, wouldn’t like it.  oh, maybe some of the fringe guys might but the big sex and money boys and girls would probably have a collective massive coronary if it came to pass.  which might not be a bad idea.  then we could just start over from scratch.  more drifting.  perhaps.

i’m not the only person to come up with this wishful thought as it’s been tossed around every now and again over the years but it never goes anywhere.  sadly.  big money wants nothing to do with it.  i think it scares them.  good.  they scare me.  daily. 

i think the time has come to scare the bejesus out of them for a change.  this sad slate of presidential candidates would seem like the perfect time for my wishful thought to maybe make it past the blossom stage and give fruition to something that should have happened years ago. 

oh, i’m sure all the candidates are probably sorta nice folks.  i mean maybe you could probably invite them all over to the house for some grub, massive amounts of dago red, and mah jong.  though they would all have to promise no politics.  the only problem is they all, would at some point, renege and start campaigning.  worse yet, while working the room glad handing anyone in sight, they would be spilling heirloom organic cabernet all over the living room furniture and in general just being boorish dinner guests.  the whole sad deal would probably end up being worse than letting the local canvassing scientology crew in for a chat and a brew.  god, the horror.  i don’t know if they do that but just the thought of it scares me on lots of levels. 

the point of this madness?  for those of you that have stuck it out here it is…none of the above.  yep.  that’s it.  none of the above needs to be added to every ballot in the country.  it’s time is way the hell over due. it’s simple in it’s purity and gives those of us something to vote for other than the ever ubiquitous ‘lesser of two evils’.  cause that’s what it generally comes down to in any election.  in particular a presidential election.  regardless who is running. 

sadly it’s not going to happen.  although i think it needs to be brought up and hammered home to our elected elitist that they serve us and not their pocketbook or summer home where ever the hell it is.  it’s time we that have made ourselves the disenfranchised get our vote back.  sure we quit voting on our own accord.  however, they were the ones that pissed us off so much we just up and said, fuck this, i ain’t voting anymore every again for any of you witless bunch of money grubbing oily sanctimonious swine. 

problem is they have all forgotten just who the hell it is they serve.  they all think they are there just to serve themselves up their own personal money tree.  yes, they are the folks that actually have that tree.  the tree that your dad asked your mom if she thought money grew on trees tree.  well, it does exist.  you just have to get elected to any public office in the land.  it also comes with the keys to the new tony soprano model caddy escalade AND your very own 23 year old smokin’ hot mistress.  boy, howdy.  makes a man want to run for office, don’t it?

imagine the chagrin some november after the votes have been tallied and candidate A gets 12%.  candidate B gets 12%.  the fringe guys and gals get their usual 1% and lo and behold, none of the above, wins with a whopping 75%.  you snicker.  though it could happen.  no, by god, it should happen.  it’s time we the fed up disenfranchised take our vote back.  take our vote back and vote for none of the above in any damn election we feel like.  we need to badger our elected swine into letting us vote for none of the above.  why not?  what’s the problem with that?  why is it just wishful thinking?

what?  what the hell?  who the fuck are you anyway? why no way, sonny boy, we can’t do that.  why that would be un-american.  say, just what kind of commie pinko nazi muslim are you any the ways?  by all that’s holy, you gotta be one of em or all of em for even suggesting such a vile idea.  why, why, i think i’ll let my bodyguards shoot you for bringing that sick deviant idea up in my very own official officially sanctioned official office.  ed, jack.  take this commie nazi muslim scum out back and do what needs to be done. 

so like here’s the deal.  call your congressperson and senator.  be polite.  ya hear?  yeah, well, hopefully he has no clue you don’t vote.  then tell whoever answers the phone we need the none of the above clause added to All ballots in this once great nation.  simple easy.  sure they will laugh and hang up.  come on, the caddy and smokin’ hot mistress need a good hot wax.  so call again.  give them the same rap.  if enough of you supposed americans do this.  we will get the none of the above clause on all ballots across america for every election.  it’s time has come. 

jmh

Written by john hauge

May 28, 2014 at 9:36 am

pink boxers and war

with 2 comments

every year the memorial day holiday seems to come around with ever increasing speed. other holidays do too. it’s one of those getting older things. however, memorial day
is somehow a much more personal holiday to those of us who served in one of our never ending wars.

this first appeared a number of years ago and was re-run a couple of years ago. yeah, i have other tales of my time overseas like, the old west meets the old east, and others still unwritten. however, desire and and the muse must first meet for them to see daylight. which may or may not ever happen.

at any rate, happy memorial day to all who’ve served especially to all who gave everything. to my nam brothers and sisters, welcome home. once again.

jmh

while noodling around yesterday i came across the yahoo, and elsewhere, story of a young soldier over in the middle east who went to his firing position in his boxers and flip flops, during a fire fight.  seems like the secretary of defense, robert gates, is all a gog over the situation.  he’s happy about it.  well, it’s memorial day weekend or more to the point, dead soldier weekend, and i guess they needed to sound pro troopers and military.  plus, i’m sure folks everywhere are getting a kick out of the story. 

it makes me think back to my time in nam.  i’ve written any number of things about that experience here and other places.  if you are a regular, i have no intention of bothering you with details you may or may not remember.  if you aren’t a regular reader, you can always go through the archives or rummage through the vault.  or just wait for me to trot the old stuff out again.  but i digress. 

while attached to macv advisory team 48, in nam, we had this major on the compound.  he was either s-3 or s-1 or s-2.  military jargon for stuff.  not really important to this story.  other than the fact, he got his pink boxers all tied up in a knot about us peons and other soldiers hitting our firing positions in levi’s and flip flops, bermuda shorts, flip flops and no shirt(my personal favorite) or other variations of civilian attire, or maybe just our regulation gi boxers and flip flops, during alerts. 

yeah, civilian attire.  it was macv and they didn’t care what you wore on the compound if you weren’t on duty or working.  well, most of them.  any the ways, this particular major was not happy about the way we fell out during those alerts.  he made it his mission to see that we all hit our firing positions and bunkers in full regulation military gear.  yes, sirree.  no more of this civilian attire or gi boxer nonsense.  there was a war going on after all, and said war, demanded we be properly dressed for the occasion because mr charlie might not like it.  boy, howdy.   

said major, even held a few ‘practice alerts’ and those ‘practice alerts’ weren’t over until he personally inspected each position to see if things were being done to his strict liking.  yes, indeed.  practice alerts for dress code violations in a war zone.  no showing up with your weapon and ammo in boxers.  nope, not for that major.  not good enough.  thank you jesus.  thank you, lord, for some damn fine smoke and drink to help us all through the night.

well, we suffered through a couple of his practice alerts held in the middle of the night.  a lot of pissed off troops and lifers as well.  yeah, he wanted every swinging dick on board for his madness. 

as it turned out, things were very quiet during the time of his practice alert stuff and everyone passed with flying colors.  like what else were we gonna do?  frag him?  it was bullshit but it wasn’t worth a capital crime and/or offense. 

one night, a few weeks after all the hoopla about the dress code and fighting charlie, i was working the night shift in the commo bunker.  at the time, macv was using our commo bunker for their toc(tactical operation center) while their toc was getting a face-lift.  charlie or the nva, lobbed a few rockets or mortars into our general vicinity. 

the alert was sounded and it was all hands on deck.  everyone was to go to their alert positions and deal with whatever in full military uniform.  thankfully, due to the practice alerts, it was decided, by my signal sargent, my alert position would be in the commo bunker.  lucky me, i was already up, working, in uniform, where i was supposed to be and with my m-16 and ammo.  woo hoo!!

the incoming rocked my little world but i just opened my secret area door and casually leaned on the door jam to watch the deal go down.  a total lapse of military protocol but whatever.  i was probably somewhat loaded and had been listening to, ‘spooky tooth’, and reading porn at the time.  another breech of protocol i’m sure.

on a side bar drift, the secret area was a perfect place to have a nice non-legal smoke.  or take a nap.  we had it set up so even if you were dead an alarm of sorts would wake you.  though in hindsight it wasn’t necessary.  incoming was incoming and could wake a dead man.  count on it.

the drifts just keep on coming.  WD40.  the perfect weapon cleaner, for us lazy folks, was also a very good and efficient smoke cover-up.  better than incense.  yeah, ok.  i did take my m-16 down to the firing pin assembly at regular intervals and properly cleaned it.  so there.  i could be a good soldier if i felt like it.  my life depended upon it.      

at any rate, i was just waiting for orders and THE word to send something to somebody somewhere about something or another via my secure radio teletype.  real alerts were always something.  some worse than others.  but always angsty and an adrenaline rush regardless.  while i was standing in my doorway watching stuff, in came the major of dress code and practice alert fame. 

ah, yes, goddamn.  he was resplendent in his steel pot, m-16, ammo, un-tied jungle boots, gi issued undershirt and boxers.  yep.  that’s it.  nada mas.  no one, of course, said a word about his poorly dressed alert apparel.  lots of subtle snickering to be sure but not a word.  after that night, it went back to come as you are for alerts, and the only thing that mattered was the m-16 or some other weapon with plenty of ammo when you got to where you were supposed to be.

it’s interesting to see how things have or haven’t changed.  i wonder how melvin laird would have felt?  or perhaps dean rusk?  or macnamara?  at any rate, it’s dead soldier day weekend.  a time to say a prayer for those brothers in arms who never made it back.  a time to say just how much you appreciate the sacrifice of those who didn’t come back and those who are serving or have served and did come back.  whole or not.  seems like none of us ever come back whole.  a tragic veer if there ever was one. 

dead soldier weekend.  a proud american tradition since the civil war from whence it got it’s origins.  you may not like war, this current one in particular.  you may even be in the support the troops but not the war politically correct crowd.  tell you what.  god bless the child that wears his boxers to a fire fight.  at least he showed up and was ready for trouble.  god bless anyone who even shows up for the coming fire fights.     

make no mistake, it’s not what you wear to a fight.  it’s what you do when you get there.  happy memorial day weekend!!  light a candle for america. 

jmh

Written by john hauge

May 23, 2014 at 5:02 am

the old west meets the old east

with 2 comments

this morning
in the
crapper
reading
one of those cooking
magazines.

some guy in
north
vietnam
driving by a
sidewalk barber
shop.

the lightning bolt
almost tossed me
off my throne.

yeah, viet
hair cut joints.
picture
the
wild west.
back in the
day.

cornered.
by the marshall
a
bird
colonel.
jesus son
get a haircut.
yes sir.

next morning
we grab a
jeep
our horse.
four guys.
fully loaded.

a cloud of
dust.
a whiff
of smoke.
a quick
ride into
what passed
for
downtown.

a sea
side fishing
ville
by day.
indian country
by night.

i am the
walrus
fades into a
smelly dead fish
rot.
not
horse shit.

ft apache.
dodge city.
tombstone.
somewhere
off in
the
distance.

park out
front.
one stays with
the horse.
M-79 &
a bag of
rounds.
grenades &
buck shot.
nasty
effective
bad juju.

inside under the
barber’s sheet.
M-16 cocked and
locked.
we take turns.
first out
spells
the horse
sitter.

deed done.
crappy hair cut.
ride back to
the old
french mission.
maybe stop for
pho.
maybe not.

at some
point.
the whole
barber in
the ville
thing
was
deemed
too
hazardous.

a deal was
cut.
he came to us
on his day
off.
sunday
afternoon.

the wild wild
east
got a little
tamer.

it was
a long time
ago.
but it
doesn’t take
much.
some days more
so
than others.

jmh

Written by john hauge

May 10, 2014 at 5:02 am

# 502 in a series of posts

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it finally dawned on lubeesia montez-monroe that her first name was stupid. it might have occurred to her sooner but she had been busy. busy with stuff. lubeesia stuff. odd crap from different times and places. totally weird crap. but not as weird as lubeesia. or her name. she went before a judge and said her name was lame and would he please change it. the judge being sort of out of sorts that day and having already dealt with the rock n roller prince and his insanity that morning the judge said ok and changed her name to, profolaxtixs montez-mondieu. ah, yes, the chances we take. can be a mistake. but amazingly not in this case.

freed from her lubeesia name profolaxtixs became a much nicer person and stopped all her weird shit. ok, most of the really strange crap but for the most part kept just enough to still be weird but not oh my god is she fucking weird i’m outta here weird. get the picture? perhaps. but for those of you who are meeting lubeesia or profolaxtixs for the first time maybe a tad of the weirdness that was once she is in order.

let’s see…she awoke one morning in singapore for why or how she didn’t know. and never did but being one to make the best of things she washed up then clipped her toenails and took the clippings and put a few of them in each corner of the room. until they were all gone. ah, there, she said. full filled. see? strange. not that strange but well, maybe stupid strange in a sort of nameless drudgery way strange.

she stayed in singapore till she woke up one day in mexico. baja to be exact. in a hotel room over looking the ocean that smelled of ass. which of course porfolaxtixs enjoyed so she stayed till she ran out of money. then she got a job and stayed a while longer. breathing deeply each and every time she went into the room. ah, ass she said. each and every time.
see? strange.

perhaps even stranger was the last day she spent in baja. it was morning and she had boarded a bus in ensenada which would take her to her place of employment at la bufadora, the infamous baja tourista spot. where profolaxtixs worked as an assistant to the toilet paper lady. she prepared the 4 sheets of cheap double ply paper for her boss to sell. she barely made enough to make ends meet. but she was very happy.

the bus was a bit over half way to her work place when it was stopped by 6 federales manning a road block. road blocks and federales are a common thing in baja. the strangest thing being the fact most of the soldiers were around 14 years old and wielding fully automatic AR-15’s. scary strange. the youngest one boarded the bus and shouted they were looking for lubeesia montez-monroe. oh oh.

profolaxtixs was stunned for several moments and she sat rigidly silent. the young soldier shouted his request again and punctuated this request by sending a round into the AR-15’s firing chamber. the new wrinkle made her stand up and say she was who they were looking for. all the time wondering just what the fuck was going on. she was removed from the bus blind folded and hogged tied then tossed into an armored personnel carrier and taken back to ensenada and the mexican navel base located there.

once there she was taken before the commandante still blind folded and hogged tied. she was told she had committed crimes against the state of baja. what crimes she asked through a poorly applied piece of duct tape. though in her heart she knew. strange twisted blood curdling venal sins against the poor people of baja california and humanity in general. el commandante pancho aereo-villa told profolaxtixs to shut up and go with her guards. she had no choice. she was still hogged tied.

as she was being dragged from the commanders office profolaxtixs watched as pancho aereo-villa opened a desk drawer and pulled out a small bottle of purell and cleaned his hands.

it was still very dark when profolaxtixs awoke with a start. she was wrapped up like a sausage in her bed sheets and sweating profusely. the sheets were soaked. not immediately sure where she was until the familiar smell of her hotel room filled her nose. ah, ass she said. smiling to herself she knew it had been a dream and only a dream. a bad dream to be sure but only a dream.

profolaxtixs unwrapped herself from her the sheets got out of bed and took a shower. when she was finished she clipped her toenails and fingernails. humming ‘strangers in the night’ she collected the clippings in an envelop. later that morning she would mail the clippings to the sinatra family trust. smiling to herself as she fixed the sheets she got back into bed but not before taking a huge lung full of her hotel room air. ah, ass she said.

see? strange.

jmh

Written by john hauge

April 3, 2014 at 5:16 am

# 501 in a series of posts

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eddie otto was born on
the mean streets of your town.

back when the streets were tamer
but by no means park like.

he lived by his wits and fists
or by whatever means he could.

you have seen him off
and on your whole life.

sure sometimes he was
away and out of sight.

like the stint at the
Q for instance.

but he was always there
sitting on a curb.

or the guy at the store
in line in front of you.

or sticking that pistol
in your ribs the night
you got car jacked.

sure he is older now
maybe not as spry
or recognizable
as he once was
but still
if you looked at him
and the mind was allowed
to remember.
well shit yeah
i know this guy.
crap.

does he
remember me?
if i turn around
and try to act
like someone
just called
my name
from somewhere
behind me
i wave and go
the other way
maybe he won’t know
it’s me.
will he?
or do those kind
of people
remember or forget
their victims?

god
has it been that long?
can he be out?
wait
they never
found him.
just the wrecked
burnt out hulk
of my car
over in shiteville.
fuck me.

you are immobile.
your feet failed
you now.
it’s like you are
stammering away
at your dad
again
a 16 year old kid
trying to weasel out of
some damn
thing or another.

then there’s a flash in his eyes
and a flash in his hand
and a pain like no other
ever in your life.
on your back
you see the stars moon
then nothing.

the only thing
left is
blood pooling
on the
sidewalk
as your life
is
bleeding out.

eddie otto is
already
around the corner
into the wind
once again.
taking the streets and
alleys like only
he can.
to his place in time
and space
in your town.

jmh

Written by john hauge

April 1, 2014 at 2:22 pm

# 500 in a series of posts

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i’d been staying at the line hotel in l.a.’s koreatown for weeks. nice place and a room with a view of the hills. newly remodeled. i knew the manager from my army days. i got a rate. i’d saved his ass from a savage beating in a dive bar in seoul back in the day. plus, i was flush with some cash from an old insurance deal that had finally settled. a good chunk of change. way more than enough to sample my way through every massage joint for several blocks in any direction with drinks and fine korean home style food at roy choi’s POT every night downstairs.

yeah, life on the large. i’d become pretty good friends with one of the massage girls. she’d even come over for drinks and dinner on occasion with some extra activity up in my room later. more drinks and sex. sex on the cuff for those occasions. she’d even sing to me in korean when we were finished. soft and lilting.

one night she’s singing away and she stops. she wants to know if i want to take a bus ride with her down to baja and ensenada next weekend. some korean travel thing but there would be chinese and viets as well. i figured maybe the change of scenery would do me some good so i agreed. she smiled and started singing again in her soft and surprisingly on pitch voice.

the next weekend rolled around and we headed off to baja with another 25 or so folks on a bus. we stopped in dago for lunch at some vaguely crappy chinese joint before heading across the border into TJ for some shopping. i bought the girl a leather purse. it seemed like it was even real leather. i guess we’d find out the first time she took it out in the rain.

a nice leisurely drive further south took most of the afternoon. we hit town and everybody checked into our motel. not the line hotel for sure. no view other than a mex rubdown joint across the street. great. almost like home. my traveling companion didn’t notice. the bus driver found us and asked if we wanted to make an unscheduled late afternoon trip. my girl said sure. i had no choice. so, back on the bus with maybe 15 or so of the 25 people on the trip.

the bus left ensanada proper at around 3:15pm bumping it’s way through the suburbs of the city. lala land type sprawl in baja. including smog. dig it. strange and enticing in a twisted way. yeah, anyway the bus was heading to the ‘la bufadora’. or some damn thing. a blow hole more or less in spanish an hour drive south of ensenada stuck out on the coast and in the middle of nowhere. a big tourista trap i’m told but then i get told lots of stuff and some of it is true. most isn’t. it doesn’t matter any more though but that’s another story.

i got sucked into this side trip like a noodle wending it’s way from a steaming bowl of soup up and into your mouth. meh. no biggy. the ride was interesting and this young vietnamese babe kept showing me some leg every chance she got. well, that was when her newly wed husband wasn’t pawing her. she had a nice twinkle in her eye when she flashed me that leg and i suspect by now they aren’t married any more. funny how life bounces, huh? i hope charlie didn’t take it to hard. he should have seen it coming. between some shot of nice asian leg and decent scenery outside the bus window the ride was over before i knew it.

stirring up plenty of it’s own dust the bus pulled into one dusty hell hole of a parking lot overlooking the ocean. it was pretty much empty with the late afternoon hour. a long walk down a row of mex vendors on each side of you selling just about anything and everything junky you could imagine with lots of food stalls thrown in for good measure. then there it was, the blow hole. la bufadora. crap. what a shit hole it was. jesus. not really a blow hole either. just some damn crevice in some damn rocks with the surf pounding into the crevice and the spray flying up into the hot afternoon mex sky. occasionally drenching the unwary tourista trying to keep their camera dry while at the same time trying get a nice shot of the stinky salt water reaching for the clouds. yeah, the fucking water smelled like piss with an undercurrent of crap. nice. but, hell this is mexico right? what else you expect gringo? nada i guess. zip zilch nada.

i guessed that the smell was originating from the sorta nice looking ‘bathrooms’ off to the side of the imitation blow hole. i was thinking the shit and piss must be flowing right out into the ocean from them. i had to take a look. i told my companion i was going to take a leak then wandered over to los banos. some old mexican babe was at a table taking money for a chance to pee or crap. 50 cents a pop. steep for a ‘clean’ shitter in baja. lots of folks were yelling and arguing and trying to get in for nada. it wasn’t working. why bother? not me. i ponyed up the half buck and in return was handed 4 pieces of semi nice double ply shit paper. oh boy. good thing i was just looking and maybe going to take a leak. walking down the steps to the bano and smell i had second thoughts. this was not going to be fun and believe me it wasn’t. a hell hole to be sure. at least my curiosity was soothed. after a sorta piss it was a walk back to the bus and the drive back into ensenada and dinner. the viet babe and my date slept the whole way back. no leg action. zip zilch nada.

dinner was at a clean and well kept fresh fish joint. and you can drink the water too gringo. nice. the beer was cold and the fish really was fresh along with being damn good. just don’t hassle the waiters, gringo. some dumb ass wanted something or another and was told there wasn’t any fresh that day or something. so, he goes off on the waiter and says i came all the way down here and i can’t get fresh whatever the fuck it is i came down here for? si, senor. not today. shit, give me the shrimp. goddamn it. ok, sport nice ugly american act. as for me, senor dos cervesas mas por favor. more beer, good bread and fish and out comes the chump’s eats. the waiter sets their food down on a small waiter like table just out of the chumps line of sight. but not mine. sipping my beer i watched as the waiter spit all over everybody’s food sitting at the loud mouths table. fuck me. nice touch jose. but then what else do you expect in baja gringo? zip zilch nada.

jmh

Written by john hauge

March 31, 2014 at 7:35 am

Who Are the Brain Police? ~ Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention ~

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the above mentioned song appeared on the mothers first LP, ‘freakout’, in 1968. to say it was well ahead of it’s time would be like the proverbial pot, kettle, and black name calling adage. what follows about the song, Who Are the Brain Police?, was gleaned/lifted from wikipedia:

The song’s structure was described in detail by AllMusic:

“Simply put, it is weird and creepy. A chorus of living-dead voices supports a slow and sloppy waltz beat. Lyrics make numerous references to melting plastic and chromium and repeatedly ask the question found in the song’s title (answered by the brainless chorus). Halfway through, the song breaks into a fast-paced bridge; the same happens in the coda, which includes a kazoo solo.”

“The song was stated to be a “direct defiance of top 40 radio.” Repetitive lyrics were noted as part of this “defiance.” The song was also cited by Mojo magazine as “one of the scariest songs to ever emerge from the rock psyche.” While comparing it to Kafka, Mojo described the song as “a vision of contemporary America where personal identity and individuality is erased.”

interesting, what? yep. perhaps weird and creepy but the song is much more than frank railing against the radio and music industry that wanted very little to do with him, his music or ideas.

a couple of days ago i was sitting in a dentist office reading magazines while waiting for the brown eyed girl’s appointment to be over. some of the magazines were ok but a bit borderline in their finger wagging. ‘time’ magazine sent me over the edge and into an orwellian free fall. thankfully, it’s a magazine i rarely read let alone page through.

yes, kids, long dead uncle frank pretty much nailed it. we’ve indeed become that contemporary america where we’re told what and what not to do and when and when not to do it. he also nailed a bunch of other stuff musically as well 40 years ago long before ‘american idol’ or ‘the voice’ hit the airways. though ‘the voice’ does it’s damnedest to distance itself from what a pop singer ought to look like. sorta. but that isn’t why i’m here.

don’t do that. do this. do that. not this. say this. not that. believe this. don’t believe that. don’t ever say that! eat this. not that. it’s going to kill you. this won’t kill you. or at least it won’t this week. next week? meh. vote this way. god forbid, not THAT way! think this. never that. buy this. not that. read this. never that. you really fucking need this. your government would never ever lie to you. what’s the matter with you, boy?

yeah, we’ve been erased. or our minds have. it’s only a matter of time before we ourselves will be erased for not toeing the line. count on it. your personal identity is already gone or has been stolen. individuality? that disappeared along with the so called freedoms we once had. if you haven’t noticed you haven’t been paying attention. we are all suffering from all the brain policing that’s been going on for years. though most hardly notice the day in and day out nonstop barrage of swill and we know what’s best for you crapola. it’s as if we’re all too fucking stupid to figure anything out or entitled to form our own opinions about damn near everything on our own anymore. for good or bad.

ok. sure some of you are so fucking stupid you need to be spoon fed every damn thing even if it is wrong or wrong headed. after all it is properly PC and has been vetted by legions of assorted loons, dumb asses, hacks, hustlers, and politicians from both sides of the aisle. fine. screw it. just leave me out of your fucking equation and it’s related insanity. i’m not even gonna say please. just do it. yeah, sure, like that’s gonna happen even if i say, please.

when the bells start tolling don’t say they aren’t for you because they are. by the time that circus/scenario rolls into your town it will already be too late.

jmh

Written by john hauge

March 28, 2014 at 7:28 am

the church of rock and roll

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once again, in lieu of dealing with writing something new and to get the dylan thing off the front page once and for all, i bring you one from august of 2007. it bounces around a bit but there are a few kernels of sustenance to be found in it.

jmh

i’m not sure where this one is going or even if it will make it to blog print.  as all i have is some sort of vague idea or something and a desire to see if that something ends up on the page. 

in my last blog i ran down or sorta ran down my friend, john harrelson’s, saturday night show.  another friend this morning, who was also there, brought up the religious analogy of divine intervention in regards to john’s smokin’ performance.  i sorta alluded to it as well with my fire and brimstone thingy in my last blog.  john brought it up himself yesterday evening when he mentioned a lady friend who hadn’t seen him perform before said, i can’t remember the exact quote, but something to the effect that john was a devil.  i took it as a good thing and john did as well.  the consensus being that it’s better than being called an asshole.

all of which brings us to the point of this epistle.  maybe.  john’s performance did indeed have some religious overtones but then all good rock and roll performers seem to have that aspect to their stage show persona’s.  certainly jimi, mick, john lennon, or perhaps the more obvious, george harrison.  pretty much all great rock and rollers along with some of the blues and jazz greats have it there in their mien while on stage.  perhaps some even when they are off stage and out doing what we all do.  live and breathe.  a drift for another time. 

for those of us who grew up at the very beginning of rock and roll, my first record purchase was elvis’, ‘love me tender’, in 1956.  we’ve been at this thing for a long long time.  many of us then drifted off into an obvious blues tangent along with jazz thrown in for good measure.  along with that the life of a  musician has always been sort of a back burner fantasy.  for some of us it became a way of life and a life’s work.  for others, like myself, the musician as artist never worked out like a lot of things.  though upon occasion that fantasy, even at this late stage in life, is still bubbling under or away in my brain cell depleted brain.  this is wandering all over the place though my usual readers are used to it.  i digress.

the one person that really stands out in this whole rambling sorta concept thing is the late, sam kinison. he was a preacher, of i guess, some note.  he gave that up to become a stand up comedian and one of my all time favorites.  he also wanted to be a rock and roll star.  his videos in that vein are some of the finest ever.  their tongue in cheek aspect not with standing.  sam wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last professional religious person to sorta give that up and go rock and roll, the blues or whatever music.  or vice versa for that matter.  

i guess the whole point being that a rock and roll musician performing on stage, in some instances, not all by any means, can be looked at as a religious, or feel like a religious experience.  the same can’t be said for a motion picture actor, or at least i can’t.  not even brando at his finest ever brought a religious connotation to his performances.  or richard burton.  or elizabeth taylor.  peter o’toole.  al pacino.  ad nauseum.  for myself, stage actors would also be in the same boat. 

i suppose some painters conjure up a religious experience like the old masters and their madonnas or similar work but that’s what they started out to do.  a religious painting.  plain and simple.  monet, for example, has done some wonderful things but none of them have an inkling of a religious aspect to them other than the pure beauty of nature, color, and light. 

there is a joy and beauty to all artists work.  we are the lucky ones to sit and watch/listen as they do what they do, for our pleasure.  for me, and i think a lot of others, watching a grand performance by a rock and roller is akin to if not a religious experience.   it took awhile to get here but i hope you got the picture.

john harrelson’s music can be found at: http://cdbaby.com/cd/harrelson or visit his web site as well http://www.johnharrelson.com

jmh

 

Written by john hauge

March 27, 2014 at 7:36 am

an ode to gram parsons or john harrelson’s cd “mojave”

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this originally appeared here in september of 2008. john harrelson passed away in june of 2013. don rehkop passed away in march of 2014. may you both rest in peace, my friends.

jmh

let’s see…ok.  the boys, dfr & jwfh, were over this past evening and i cooked up a nice sorta southern down home meal for my brothers.   jwfh says i got the job.  dfr as well.  sweet.  their lips to the food network’s ears.  for those that are wondering, the brown eyed girl was busy doing stuff with her nephew.

at any rate, my sorta cooking skills aren’t why i’m here.  ah, no.  at one point i stuck john’s cd, ‘mojave’ on the cd player.  yeah, well.  i’ve been down this road before a year or so ago.  none the less, ‘mojave’, by john harrelson still kicks ass and those of you that haven’t bothered need to bother because it is that good.  trust me.  the link will follow.

we are like eating and i’m yammering about this and that music wise on the cd.  jwfh is yammering back.  i tell him the title track, ‘mojave’, is stellar and i love it when he does it live.  like who wouldn’t?

then we got to the tune, “joshua tree ’73”.  one of the finest hippy country western tunes ever written.  fuck yeah.  ” under the influence of loneliness, morphine, and desire “…sweet, jesus.  write it and sing it, jwfh.  i told jwfh that i needed to hear him do the tune next time he did a live gig.  he smiled and said, ‘yeah.’

then he went off into something i hadn’t heard before.  turns out writing the song was one of those deals that just comes from beyond type deals.  a channeling of sorts according to john.  a tune nothing like he’d ever written before.  after it it was written he was like, ‘where the hell did this come from?’

then jwfh says, ‘it’s the suicide note gram parsons never got to write.’  whoa.  fine.  i’m there.  the tune is one of those late 60’s early 70’s country western tunes that sings of life on the edge.  life, ala charlie bukowski, dressed up in a country western nudie suit.  as a veer, google, ‘nudie’ and country western outfits.  life ala what country western music means to me.  not the sugar coated crapola stuff of today.  the old days of hank williams and outlaw country.  the old hippy cosmic country.  real life angst and despair.  angst and despair dealt out from the bottom of the deck.  country as i remember it was and should still be.

my point?  you should probably, no, you should, go to:  http://cdbaby.com/cd/harrelson and buy the cd, ‘mojave’.  if you like country western/blues/rock ‘n’ roll by someone who’s lived several lifetimes playing and writing it then this cd is for you.  it’s time to jump on the bandwagon before it pulls out and heads west into that morphine induced unwritten note sunset.  um, yeah.  it’s ok, jwfh.  i understand.

‘mojave’, is one of those cd’s you listen to and need to listen to a bunch in order to get it.  it just gets better with each listen.  my brother, know this.  you knew it and did it.  i just hope there’s more comin’ down the pike.  capice?

i wrote this last night after the boys left.  i sat at the computer and listened to “joshua tree ’73” a number of times while i finished off a bottle of sicilian red.  it’s early morning and the sun is still around an hour away.  i’m sitting at the computer again.  this time drinking coffee.  the only sound is the keyboard and the lonely night time wail of a freight train echoing north from down in de onta.  i’m still haunted by john’s joshua tree tune.  haunted by gram parsons.  haunted by my youth.

i wish i was out in joshua tree this morning.  sitting on a rock someplace and smoking a very large bowl of something or another while waiting for the sun to rise.  there’s magic out there and there’s magic in john harrelson’s tune, “joshua tree ’73”.

jmh

Written by john hauge

March 26, 2014 at 9:01 am

oscar night redux

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it’s almost oscar time yet again. it’s also time once again to trot out a couple of moldy oldies of mine to commemorate hollyweird’s biggest TV show, oscar night. the first of the two is for the more mature reader among you. however, i’m not your parents nor do i want to be. i hope you enjoy the reads.

jmh

donna di’monico

yeah, donna di’monico was her name.  a contract player for warner bros in the 40’s and 50’s.  lot’s of b westerns as second leading lady, plus the last of the serials.  she once told me, in a round about way, she had fucked howard hughes.  but she wasn’t one of his hayseed bimbos locked up in one of howie’s fuck pads.  no, not donna.  she moved and grooved to a beat all her own.

donna was an early lipstick lesbian.  when doing a bit part on an early ‘colgate comedy hour’,  she blew dino while playing dildo momma to marilyn maxwell and some make-up lady.  jerry sat and watched.  nice work if you can get it, i suppose.  as time passed she got fewer acting calls.  she never got into the older character stuff.  too much work she used to tell me.  but every once in awhile she would get some commercial work.  lever bros or one of the other yid soap joints, as she used to call them.  nice work.  easy 2 day max work.  plus the residuals were good, even in the late 60’s early 70’s.

don’t get me wrong she wasn’t hurting.  no, not donna.  she did ok.  she had plenty of time to prowl the bars on la cieniga and ventura.  out looking for some young cooze who may have seen her when she was a kid, like they were.  some kid who wanted to munch down on that well manicured carpet.  so they could say, hey, ever hear of donna di’monico?  we fucked last night.  nice old babe and still holding up ok.  god, she ate my snatch like she hadn’t eaten anything in months.  great fuck.

yeah, donna di’monico, the older she got the more genteel she became. doing charity work and joining historical societies. she got off on the historical stuff.  the older the shit was the more she was into it.  like trees.  she really got into old trees.  say 450 year old california oaks in some old downtown southern california berg gone to seed or illegal aliens.  or like this old cork tree where i live.  it’s at least a good 500 years old, probably the oldest around.  left standing when they razed the old hotel it had stood in front of for decades.  rumor has they had built the hotel there, where the cork tree stood, because it was such a beauty and old way back then.

yeah, donna di’monico.  she really got into that cork tree.  at some point she started badgering this local pbs tv guy, who was into trees as well, to come out and take a gander and shoot some video of the tree.  the cork tree and genteel historical society lady, donna di’monico.  for donna that meant another shot at some air-time, 21st century air-time.  she would email the guy weekly.  donna always got a return email from some staffer saying, thanks, we get lots of ideas and email.  we’ll give this one to the boss.  donna kept it up.  the guy finally said, ok.  the tree sounds ok.  they are coming out tomorrow morning.  only trouble is donna bought the farm last night.  yeah, donna di’monico, is dead.  so, i guess i’ll have to meet the guy out by the cork tree in the morning, which means i’m going to be her last stand in.  adios, aunt donna.

jmh

the dust and heat…

hung in the tijuana air like a freeze frame from hell.  cars honked and clamored looking for an inch in which to move.  nothing ever did.  in sunglasses and old clothes he moved through it all.  no one knew him.  he moved slowly looking for the place.  if you looked at him closely you could see the disease at work.  taking what was left of his life and mocking him with each painful step.  finally the place.  the earthly waiting room for hell. 

the bell above the door tinkled when he opened it.  as the door closed the hell from the streets outside stopped and the smell of the office over came him.  a small greasy headed man got up from behind an equally greasy desk and spoke.

ah, senor bullet, you have come.
yes, on the phone, you said you could help me?
si.  yes, i can.  por favor, follow me.

through the cluttered outer office and into the dank dismal treatment rooms they went.  a strange but familiar odor growing in the man’s nose.  the small mexican finally stopped at a dirty examination table.  he turned and said.   

please, senor, you must deesrobe.
ok. the man replied.

he was resigned to it.  it was all that was left.  this final sad humility of an approaching death.  a last chance stop on the road of life.

hokay, meester bullet, now you must assept these enemas of the coffees to cure you cancers.  por favor, on the tables.  you must spread you nalgas for me.

a tear formed in the corner of his eye as the man moved to comply.  only to be used as substance by a very large nasty house fly.

outside the dust, heat, and noise, for that moment, stopped.  something had gone from us all.  forever.  in an instant they all began to move.  again.  to oppress.  again.  moving us closer to this hell on earth.

jmh

Written by john hauge

February 28, 2014 at 1:33 pm

hot dogs for breakfast pt 2

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after hanging up the phone he went to the stove and stuck his index finger in the seed and stem tea. it was cold to the touch and probably consisted more of stems and seeds along with assorted other gunk than liquid. he turned on the burner under the pot then rummaged through a drawer until he found a small strainer. jerry placed the strainer over the mug he’d already used while he waited for the stuff to boil again.

deciding it was going to take a bit he wandered off into the living room and his stereo system. the zappa LP was still on the turntable. he picked it up and put it back into it’s sleeve then returned it to sit with the other albums. jerry began looking through them again. new riders of the purple sage seemed like a good idea. he was placing it on the turntable when the phone rang again. he went back into the kitchen. turned off the stove and picked up the phone.

hello?

hi, son.

it was his mother.

hey, ma, what’s up?

not much. your father is outside doing yard work and i just finished an apple pie for your uncle. they’re coming over for dinner tonight. so, how’s work and school? are you dating anyone?

jerry sighed. it was his mother’s usual phone gambit.

just fine, ma. just fine. the pie sounds good. trying to change the subject he said. what’s for dinner?

your dad is bbqing chicken with the usual sides.

ok. wish i was there.

you know thanksgiving isn’t that far away. are you going to come down?

i hadn’t thought about it but yeah, sure. why not? he was thinking it would probably be a better place to score a cheap brick of weed. he still knew people down there.

good. i’ll make your favorites.

pickled tongue?

of course.

great. unless you hear different i’ll see you the wednesday before the big day. in the afternoon.

ok. love you, son.

love you too, ma. say hi to pops. joe and josie too. i’ll see everyone thanksgiving.

alright. take care of yourself. he could hear the smile in his mother’s voice.

ok, ma. bye.

bye, son.

jerry replaced the phone and picked up the pot of tea and poured the remaining liquid into the mug. the strainer removed most of the crap and all of the seeds and stems. he was surprised when he found the cup to be almost full. taking a sip he grimaced a bit then went and started the new riders LP. jerry wasted the rest of the day listening to music and staying very high.

it was almost dark before he was aware of time again. maybe it was the hunger he felt. he got off the couch. stretched. tuned on a floor lamp. found another LP and put it on the machine. the allman brothers live. the first notes hit with a jolt. too bad there wasn’t a lady around.

once back in the kitchen he found the squash in the fridge and an old onion. there was rice and tomato sauce in the cupboard. no meat anywhere. it didn’t matter there was plenty of rice. he made a sauce with the onion and canned tomatoes tossing in some dried herbs and garlic powder. after chopping up the zucchini he added them to the sauce. it simmered as the rice cooked.

duane allman was ripping it. another rocker dead before his time. jerry decided to have one of the tall cans of colt .45 with dinner. he popped the tab and took a long pull. it was good. cold and tasty. dinner was ok. filling and somewhat tasty.

after dinner he drank the rest of the malt liquor he’d bought earlier in the day and smoked his last remaining joint. comfortably numb and pretty well toasted he spent the night on the couch.

the next few weeks went by quickly. work was work and fairly non-taxing with plenty of spare change to be found on the floor of denny’s. school was another matter. he just stopped going though he still got a check from the VA for the past month. he wasn’t sure why he’d quit but it was as if he wasn’t really there anyway. it was hard to fit in again after the nam. the nam. he kept that to himself as best he could. no point in making it well known. all things considered it seemed like a good idea.

the wednesday before thanksgiving he got up early and headed south. it was an 8 hour car trip that went fairly well. jerry was looking forward to seeing the relatives and eating all that good food. piles of it to be sure. the trip south was uneventful. he arrived at his old home around 2 in the afternoon.

the garage door was closed which meant no one was probably home. no matter, there was a key in the garage. his father liked the door open as it was easier to move around and work in the garage that way. if someone was home the door stayed open until around sunset. he parked his car in the street. grabbed his bag and went around the north side of the house. the back gate was closed and the dog on duty sign was still there. his dog. the dog had died while jerry was in nam. the gate was unlocked as always and the back garage door was open. also as always. he went inside the garage. as he’d figured, the car wasn’t there. his dad had built a row of large cabinets when they’d moved in years ago. jerry opened the one closest to the door.

he reached inside and up into the second shelf. he found the nail and the key hanging from it. taking the key he unlocked the back door and then replaced the key it on it’s nail. as always. it was SOP. his dad had drilled that into him long long ago.

the house smelled good. his mother must have been busy getting ready for the big day tomorrow. turkey day. he took his bag and went through the house to his old room. it was like he’d never left. it was just like it had been for years. the double bed. a small desk and chair by the mail slot. the desk was covered with a sheet of glass which in turn was covered with surfboard company decals.

he paused and looked at the decals then ran his hand over them. memories. deciding he was hungry he went back into the kitchen to see what he could scrounge. it was then he noticed the note on the kitchen table. it was for his aunt. apparently she was bringing something over for turkey day. of course, she knew about the key. the note said his parents were at bellevue cemetery putting flowers on a grave. it also said his mother would call her sister later. jerry figured they were at his grandparents grave site.

forgetting he was hungry jerry decided to surprise his parents by going to the cemetery. besides he hadn’t been to visit his grandparents grave in a number of years. plus, there was a gas station across the street from bellevue and he needed gas for his ride anyway. so, jerry locked up and headed south to the cemetery.

on the way down he didn’t see his parents heading home. he figured he was on the route his dad would use. they must still be at the cemetery. he’d get gas later. turning into bellevue’s drive he noticed his father’s car over in the newer area of the cemetery. his grandparents grave site was in the older section behind the mausoleum. what was up? finding it interesting he followed the road toward his parent’s car.

jerry parked behind is dad’s ford. got out and walked towards his parents. their back was to him and his dad appeared to be holding his mom up. her shoulders were shaking. was she crying? what in the world was going on? as he got closer he called out to them. nothing. maybe they couldn’t hear him.

he was almost upon them when they turned towards him. his mother had been crying. jerry smiled and said.

mom. dad. what’s going on?

they looked right through him. his mother still crying. they didn’t say anything or otherwise acknowledged his presence. for good or bad. in fact, they silently walked right by him as they returned to their car. jerry stood there for a moment and watched them.

dad? mom?

it was all he could think to say. baffled he turned towards the grave where they had been standing. there were fresh flowers and a small american flag on a stick stuck in the ground next to the flowers. it was then he saw it. the gravestone. on it was his birthday and a day in june from the year before. along with that was jerry’s name and army rank.

they found jerry’s bag beside his bed when one of the young second cousins had gone into his old room to take a nap after dinner on thanksgiving day. it freaked everyone out to be sure. however, there never was an acceptable explanation as to why or how the bag got there in the first place.

jmh

hot dogs for breakfast

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jerry stood at the kitchen sink. a bit off to the side of it in front of the bay window. the sky was cloudy grey and he could see the tall dormant sycamores in the dim early morning light. their long leafless limbs reaching upward. he was eating a hot dog.it was nestled in a single piece of wheat bread. his early morning dog consisted of swiss cheese, mustard, mayo, along with bread and butter pickle slices and a handful of potato chips on the side. it usually served as his go to breakfast. though there was something to be said about grits mixed with creme fresh, parmesan, and topped with a fried egg covered with a generous dollop of his homemade asian chili sauce. finishing the sandwich he chased it with a glass of milk. the glass emptied the carton.

he rinsed off the dish and glass then set them in the sink to be washed later. probably after dinner. probably being the operative word. it was time for work. not work in it’s usual sense. jerry hadn’t worked in several months. though he had a job. a semi full time job working for a janitorial service. one afternoon he decided to not go into work. that one afternoon had stretched into a month or more. he hadn’t bothered to call the office. and they hadn’t bothered to call him. the company keys still sat in a drawer by the back door. he’d been living on his GI bill college benefit. a meager sum to be sure. he would probably have to go back to work soon because he’d given up on going to school as well. once the VA realized he was no longer in school that check would stop. that would probably happen soon enough.

it really didn’t matter to jerry. not much did. what mattered was having enough money to live on with enough left over for a few quarts of colt .45 and some decent smoke everyday. cigarettes too. the real ones. not the crap in the can or bag which left you to roll your own. he’d been doing that for the past couple of weeks. if there was one thing that would get him back to work it would be his need for ready made cigarettes and decent smoke. one could always scrape up enough cash for some malt liquor. regardless.

his job that morning was to go through some stems and seeds one last time in order to cull enough weed to get him through the day. he thought there was a slim chance at finding enough for at least one large joint. jerry pulled the baggie of seeds and stems from the cupboard along with some rolling papers and a shoe box lid. he sat at the kitchen table and slowly went went through what was left in the baggie. it had started out as a couple of ounces of some very nice jamaican weed. heady stuff. he’d scored it along with several grams of peruvian flake back when he had what could almost be said plenty of cash. sort of. jerry had paid for the smoke but the coke had been a credit deal. a credit deal which would soon become payable.

the only sound in the house was the seeds dropping onto the shoe box lid. he’d lift one end up where the seeds lay and slowly lift a few up with an old playing card. a jack of diamonds. the process wasn’t unlike panning for gold. that analogy wasn’t lost on jerry. the seeds ended up at the bottom and the dope, which was lighter, stayed up on the top. he kept it up for a half hour or so until all the seeds from the baggie had been carefully gone through. then he carefully picked over the stems once again. when he was finished he figured he had enough for a nice after dinner smoke.

the problem being there wouldn’t be anything to get him through the day. as he was still sitting at the table rolling up his last lonely joint the phone rang. jerry glanced at the phone as he licked the glue on the rolling paper and gave the smoke a last flick of the fingers. he dropped the blunt on top of the seeds and got up to answer the phone.

hello?

jerry? it’s sid.

the coke on credit had just come due. he bolstered up what he thought was some bravado but doubted sid was buying any of it.

hey, sid, what’s up?

not much. look, the reason i’m calling is i haven’t heard from you and my end is looking for their final payment. i need my money.

ah, shit. yeah, man i um been meaning to get down there. you know work school and all…

yeah, i get it. when can i expect you?

tomorrow evening at the latest.

ok. i’ll be seeing you soon then.

you got it. later, man.

later.

jerry hung up the phone. said, shit, and realized he wasn’t going to be heading down to sid’s place anytime soon. or anytime at all ever again for that matter. sadly, it meant no more flake for sure. ah, well. at least smoke was easier to find. you just needed some cash. thankfully, sid had no idea where he lived. no idea other than the city. sighing he went back to the table. as he was about to toss the stems and seeds out a thought hit him. tea. he’d never done it but he could brew up some tea with the stems and seeds.

he filled pot up with water and sat it on the stove. he turned on the burner and went to the fridge. he found an old lemon with some life left in it and sliced it up. by the time the water was boiling he was looking forward to his home brew. he turned off the gas and dropped the lemon slices into the hot water. then he carefully put the stems into the pot. he used a spoon to get them submerged. he followed with the seeds. putting a lid on the concoction he left it to steep. he needed some music.

he thumbed through his LP collection searching for something that fit the mood and the day. he settled upon frank zappa’s semi jazzy, ‘waka jawaka’. long instrumentals that made him think of rain and snow. very soothing. the music filled the house. jerry sat on the couch almost drifting off to sleep. the sound of the turntable turning itself off roused him. he flipped the LP over then he started side two. he figured the tea had sat long enough and went back into the kitchen.

the kitchen smelled of something. almost unpleasant. he lifted the lid on the pot and the smell grew stronger. it was tinged with lemon. the water had turned a dark color and was still warm. jerry thought of english breakfast tea. he found a mug and carefully poured some of the liquid into it. smelled it. held his breath and drank. he nailed the cup all at once. cringed a bit then thought it wasn’t all that bad. just different. he filled the mug again and drank. ok, he thought, now i wait.

while waiting he finished dressing and decided he should hit the grocery store while he still had some cash. filling the car’s gas tank was also in order. deciding he wasn’t feeling anything from his tea he thought it had been a waste of time and energy as he turned off the music and headed out the door to his ride and the store.

the drive to the store was uneventful. though as he was parking he began to feel THC jolts up his spine. by the time he got inside the store it was obvious his shopping trip was probably a big mistake. he was getting blown away. not a bad thing but he wasn’t so sure about getting home now. he was also sure a shopping trip alone and high wasn’t a good idea as well. as he turned to leave the floor rose to meet him and began grow wavy. great. just fucking great were his thoughts. things were going to get weird.

as he got to the exit he realized not scoring some malt liquor for that night would be stupid. hopefully there was something at home for dinner. he turned around and made his purchase. the checker turned out to be a pretty young thing around his age that he hadn’t seen or noticed before. hopefully, he’d remember her.

carefully driving home he tried to remember when he had been this stoned before. the nam probably or before that a trip into l.a. to see the kinks live after taking some mescaline. he’d thought he was surfing and shooting the pier while going under the 405 and 10 underpass. his passengers hadn’t been very happy to hear that.

making it home in one piece was a relief. he put the colt .45 in the refrigerator and noticed some zucchini. dinner he thought as the phone rang. with any luck it wasn’t sid again. had he given the checker his number? he had no idea. he picked up the receiver.

yeah.

jerry?

larry?

it sounded like his work partner, larry mitchell.

yep. man, where you been? pete’s been fucking wondering and worrying.

ah, yeah, i bet.

you know the keys and all.

safe in a drawer in the kitchen.

ok. you planning on coming back to work? it’s been a while to say the least.

yeah, sure.

at least it finally dawned on pete to find out just what the fuck was going on. good ole pete. more concerned about the swinger parties he attended than anything else.

when?

fighting the high he said, tuesday. he thought today was saturday. though he wasn’t sure. at any rate, tuesday was their day they did the floors at a local denny’s. lots of change on the floor under the tables and in the creases of the booths. gas and malt liquor money.

ok.

yeah, see you at 2. the usual.

fine. i’ll tell pete. later, man.

ok.

as he hung up the phone he realized there was more tea left in the pot on the stove. it was going to be a good rest of the day of whatever day of the week it was. yeah, a good day.

jmh

bob dylan & chrysler ~ the worst super bowl commercial ever ~

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long ago back in the 70’s, the humor magazine, the harvard lampoon begat the semi sorta more mainstream humor magazine, the national lampoon. which in turn, begat all the national lampoon movies of the same name. for the purposes of this epistle we’ll only concern ourselves with the national lampoon magazine. the national lampoon was hilarious and very irreverent which made it even funnier. really good stuff. sadly, it ceased publication back in 1998. too bad you missed it.

i fondly remember a certain one time comic strip concerning bob dylan. you have to remember this was in the early 70’s and bob was still riding high as a counter-culture hero. one of the poet laureates of the generation as it were. yeah, heady shit to be sure for little bobby zimmerman. at any rate, the cartoon strip cast the singer as a phony and calculating fraud of epic proportions. satire at it’s finest. or was it?

don’t get me wrong, bob was and still is one of my favorite musicians of the era. yeah, even though he’s sold his soul to the man. a sad sad thing. sure others of his and my generation have sold out as well. there’s a good number of them featured or have been featured in ads. although not necessarily in person like little bobby but their tunes are there. to my mind his actually appearing in the bleeding ad makes it even worse. what kind of a horses ass writes songs like: gates of eden, the masters of war, (like a) rolling stone, queen jane approximately, and desolation row, just to name a few, then does a 180 degree paragon shift?

i guess the guys at national lampoon were way way ahead of the curve. the first to realize that things may or may not have been as they appeared with little bobby zimmerman. he’s become what he once professed to hate. a sad caricature of his once self. a huckster now. a cheap sideshow entertainer only in it for the money. yes, a zappa riff there. at least frank was up front about it.

am i going to burn all my dylan CD’s? ah, probably not. i just might not listen to em much anymore. sadly. though it just goes to show that the more things change the more they stay the same. crass cheap hucksterism aside, i wouldn’t buy a chrysler if little bobby zimmerman paid for it with all his money. chrysler, which my wife, the brown eyed girl points out, is owned by fiat. a eurolander company. yeah, bobby, buy american and support italia. more incongruity.

ginsberg, ferlinghetti, kerouac, seeger, and even bukowski are rolling over in their collective graves. tsk tsk bobby. congratulations, you’ve an become an irrelevant ass hat.

“there are no kings inside the gates of eden.” from the song,”gates of eden”, by bob dylan.

jmh

Written by john hauge

February 3, 2014 at 11:07 am

2013-14 college football bowl game picks & predictions

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at long last we finally see the BCS BS drift out to sea with the tide on a flaming funeral pyre worthy of king odin himself. adieu, sweet BCS. we come not mourn it but to bury it. ah well, cheap prose aside, the brinks trucks will still be backing up to off load their small, used, and completely laundered cash to all the deans, AD’s, conference commissioners, TV executives, and all the other assorted college football hangers-on across this once great land. however, one of the great axioms of life, be careful what you wish for, looms around the corner. though that corner won’t be around till next year at this time.

bowl season. the extracurricular college football season meant to line the pockets of everyone far and wide in the land of the halls of ivy. of course, if you haven’t played your cards right you’re left out in the bowl cold. no golden cash cow for you, pilgrim. perhaps next year. or the year after. the carrot is dangled. hope springs eternal in the gloomy halls of the have nots and wannabes. next year, kids. next year.

i used to love bowl games. not anymore. yeah, there’s a handful i’ll tune into every year but the list grows shorter with the passing of time. plus i have a new wrinkle, this year DISH has added HBO on demand to their menu. woo hoo. ‘the sopranos’ in their six seasons of glory all there for the viewing. i have something else to watch now instead of my meager few bowl games. works for me. pass the dago red. i only have until december 31st or that’s what they say before tony and crew vanish. sure, i’ve got the whole thing in a boxed DVD set. but who knows how to run a DVD player anymore? ours just sits there like some brick-a-brack collecting dust so the cleaning lady can make the occasional feeble stab at dusting it.

yes, i know. you aren’t here for that. you want a bowl line-up run down. fine with me. you’ll get one. not all of them but a few i may or may not actually tune into while waiting for the next episode of ‘the sopranos’ to download. another sad fact of life is most of the bowl games are junk junkets at best. crack whores dressed as sexily clad sirens luring hicks and hucksters alike to warmer climes. come. spend your cash. watch your team play some other 6 and 6 team. either team may or may not be into said bowl or even playing football this time of year. but who cares? not us. bring your money on down. be drunken sailors on leave for a few days or better yet, a week. so what if you end up with a DUI or herpes or a six inch gash on the back of your head from that full can of PBR lobbed in your general direction during half time while you stood in line for 25 minutes so you could pee in a trough urinal with 10 or 15 of your new best friends. sweet. it doesn’t get any better than that. right? boy howdy, i’ll wager not.

it’s all about the money, kids. with some other stuff thrown in for good measure. football is on the list. somewhere. you may have to do some digging and if you’re very lucky you may even find it. off the top of my head i’m thinking you’ll probably find jimmy hoffa before you’ll find any football.

i don’t waste my time with points or spreads or whatever with the bowl games. just straight up picks. for those that are still reading and maybe even care a tad my overall percentage for my picks this season ended up at 61.3%. a good 10 points above my usual mediocrity.

rock ‘n’ roll.

12-21 las vegas bowl. fresno st vs usc. i may watch this game. or some of it. to bad cajun ed isn’t still around. the sark hire by the trojans is a head scratcher for sure. take the trojans. FIGHT ON!!!

12-30 alamo bowl. oregon vs texas. the ducks need to win this game in order to quell the ‘it’s a coaching problem’ talk. QUACK!!! QUACK!!!

12-31 sun bowl. virginia tech vs ucla. coach mora got a wagon load of money to stay at ucla. if he hadn’t he would have replaced sark in seattle. take ucla.

12-31 chick-fil-a bowl. miami vs texas a&m. one i’ll probably watch. it’s either johnny boys last college game or he begins his heisman campaign anew. hopefully, the month lay off hasn’t raised more issues with his off field behavior. take the aggies.

1-1 capital one bowl. s. carolina vs wisconsin. i’m hoping the capital one guys will be trotting out some new commercials as they’re generally good for a few laughs. the game? take the badgers.

1-1 the rose bowl. michigan st vs stanford. the grand pappy of em all. one i usually watch or at least some of it anyway. though no matter how snooty the bib and tucker crowd in pasadena tries to make the day it’s just another lackluster stab at debauchery and the dry heaves while running for some faded roses who’s smell was bred out of them years ago. there’s a kentucky derby simile in there some place. le gran pooh bah. the stale old vichy french could do no better. as the day drags on i suppose a game lurks about somewhere. the PAC(8)(10)12 vs the BIG 10(12)(?). the storied rivalry of your great grandparents played on the first day of the new born year. the san gabriel mountains glisten in the winter sun as a backdrop. they actually do turn purple as the sun sinks into the pacific. every year i pray for a deluge of biblical proportions if only to stem the tide of snowbirds fed up with their snow and cold. sadly,rain hasn’t happened in decades on jan 1. besides it’s already to late. that train left the tracks back in the early 60’s. however, it won’t stop me from my yearly ritual. the game? screw it. at this point who cares? not i, pilgrim. not i. however, if you do take stanford for the win.

1-6 BCS championship game. florida st vs auburn. the last one of it’s kind. ever. or that’s the thinking. though i guess there’s a possibility of it returning if the next deal doesn’t pan out. get real, that is a possibility. lots of stuff returns. kinda like the ‘touristas’ if you aren’t careful. hmmm. i don’t much care for this game and haven’t watched it in years. neither should you. why? it happens way too long after the season is over. plus, i’ll be busy getting ready for elvis’ birthday on the 8th. come on over. there’ll be drinks. way way to much fattening food. bowl upon bowl of all manner of pills. maybe even some demerol. that by the way is all a joke. i digress. the game itself is one long TV commercial with a few moments of football tossed in every once in a while. you could DVR it and watch it later but why? meh. let’s see. the rose bowl committee, escorts, and strippers from all over the world get another shot at fleecing the poor folk who come into town for the game. yeah, it off loads plenty of cash into the local economy. but you have to ask yourself, is it all worth it? probably not. yes, the chambers of commerce scalawags would argue otherwise. that’s their prerogative. and job. mine is to avoid them and their ilk whenever possible. i won’t be watching but i’d take florida st to win.

thanks for reading this and all my other football insanity this year. some of you get it. others, well, you know. i hope all of you have a joyous and merry christmas season. i hope santa brings you everything you want. sure why not? right? i also hope you have a healthy and prosperous new year. be safe. be semi sane. i’ll see you in nine months or so.

jmh

2013 college football picks and predictions week 15

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not a great week 14 but i did go 6 for 10 and i had michigan. too bad i didn’t pick auburn. my over all going into league championship week is now, 87 for 140. at least i’m well above 50%. with the way things have been going around here i’m actually glad to see the end of the college football year in my headlights. this then becomes one less thing on my to do list. though i suppose things could be worse. thankfully they aren’t.

as always remember this is for entertainment purposes only. using anything written here as gambling advice would be very detrimental to your financial health. do not do it.

the odds, points, spreads used here may change up or down over the course of the week. it doesn’t matter as i use what’s here to determine my wins and losses.

in general, championship week doesn’t present the greatest of line-ups. but i’ve got to fill up the 10 spots on my dance card.

rock ‘n’ roll.

12-5 louisville @ cincinnati. louisville favored by 3 points. the also ran matchup for the american conference. both schools with similar records. though i suppose you could say louisville had a somewhat more difficult schedule. i’m supposing louisville could still win the conference if ucf losses saturday to smu. like that’s going to happen. i digress. take louisville to win and cover.

12-6 bowling green @ n. illinois. n. illinois favored by 3 points. MAC championship game. this year’s sole remaining BCS darling’s last chance at running the table. my guess is they will. i’m somewhat surprised by the slim point spread. take the northern illini to win and cover.

12-7 oklahoma @ oklahoma st. oklahoma st favored by 10. 5 points. one of the best games of the weekend with oklahoma bragging rights on the line. the big 12’s lack of a championship game sort of makes the actual winner of the conference one of those algebra test questions/equations that used to give you the cold sweats back in the day. to keep things simple i’m taking the cowboys to win and cover.

12-7 utah st @ fresno st. fresno st favored by 3 points. MW championship game. the mountain west still gets little respect from just about everyone. sad but true. i’ll take them over the MAC or american any day but i digress. the bulldogs lost focus last week for their only loss of the year in a wild shoot out the conference was once noted for putting on the board most weeks. utah st is and has been playing fairly well. probably a good game for couch watching. i’m taking fresno st to win and cover.

12-7 texas @ baylor. baylor favored by 13.5 points. some sort of vague texas bragging rights on the line here. it seems as if baylor has hit the wall for the year. texas on the other hand is on an upswing. sort of. i like texas to get inside the spread. they may even win. take the longhorns.

12-7 duke @ florida st. florida st favored by 29.5 points. ACC championship game. when was the last time you put college football and duke in the same sentence? my point exactly. of course they could win this one. highly doubtful but you never know. once again, florida st’s game to lose. plenty of points make it tempting to take duke. i’m resisting. take florida st to win and cover.

12-7 ohio st @ michigan st. ohio st favored by 6 points. BIG 10 championship. the buckeyes ran into trouble last week against big blue. more trouble looms this week with the other ‘m’ word. yes, as juvenile as that is it does go to show just how lame folks can be. for that reason only take michigan st to win. well, there are other reasons as well but that one is the best reason. take michigan st to at least get inside the points.

12-7 stanford @ arizona st. arizona st favored by 3.5 points. PAC 12 championship. at the beginning of the season i pointed out that the sun devils were a possible PAC south contender. they’ve proved to be just that and obviously more. the trees have slogged on as well. i like the trees but perhaps destiny is on the side of the sun devils this year. take arizona st to win and cover.

12-7 missouri @ auburn. auburn favored by 1.5 points. SEC championship. i’m a tide fan though not a fan of coach satan. however, it is nice to see someone else in this game other than bama. sue me. it’s especially nice to see missouri here. my guess is auburn will be all chest thumpy after spoiling the tide’s season. tiger vs tiger. sort of like mad magazines spy vs spy. or maybe not. i like missouri. take them.

12-7 south florida @ rutgers. rutgers favored by 7 points. like i said earlier, the dance card needed filling out. this game is like dancing with your cousin. yeah, it’s dancing but it really isn’t dancing dancing if you get my drift. take rutgers to win and cover.

the semi official end of the college football year as the BCS heads off into the sunset. enjoy your week and weekend. be safe. be semi sane.

jmh

Written by john hauge

December 2, 2013 at 4:18 am

2013 college football picks and predictions week 14

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a rather dismal week 13 in more ways than one. my lone stand out prediction being oklahoma st beating baylor. once again i’ll take what little i can. the worst week of the season for me. i went 4 for 10 making my over all 81 for 130 after last weeks games. still nothing stellar but actually better than i usually am at this point in the year. hey, it’s another week and time to get back on track.

thanksgiving week used to be THE college football rivalry week. i suppose it still is to a certain extent but no where near like it used to be. though there are still enough of the old rivalries around to keep us old timers at least somewhat interested in the games being played this week. back in the days of my youth, and many lifetimes ago, thanksgiving day meant the men and boys in our family went to a juco football game that pitted the two local jc’s playing on turkey day. it was always a late morning game but it meant the family dinner was put off until much later in the day. it went on for a number of years but nona and the moms eventually won out. it also meant no more football games in person on turkey day. history. yawn.

this is for entertainment purposes only. using what’s presented here as legal or illegal wagering advise would be supremely stupid on your part. do not do it. if you really want to blow your paycheck send it to me and i’ll process it into my bank account free of charge. no vigorish either. such a deal. wire paladin, san francisco. i digress.

the points used here may or may not change over the course of the week. it makes no difference as i use what’s here to determine my wins and losses for this week. at the time of this being published there were 3 games with no lines.

rivalry week games. anything can happen which makes it my favorite week of the season. though the last couple of weeks are giving this week plenty of competition.

rock ‘n’ roll.

11-28 ole miss @ mississippi st. no line. there’s no reason for picking this game other than it happens to be on thanksgiving day. ole miss should win but the last few weeks have shown us what should happen and what actually does happen are at times two different things. take ole miss for the win.

11-28 texas tech @ texas. texas favored by 4 points. if the red raiders were having a better season this could be an interesting shoot out. sadly, they aren’t. both schools have had 2 weeks to get ready. the longhorns seem to have turned things around. at least for now. take texas to win and cover.

11-29 oregon st @ oregon. no line. the civil war game. if the beaves were having a better season this would be more interesting. where have we heard that before? as for my beloved ducks we’ll have to wait and see if the they can climb out of their hole and take care of business against state. the once high hopes, well for me, for both oregon teams (especially the ducks) dashed against a rocky sea wall this year. coaching? i wonder. or the wear and tear of the season? speed but no bulk in the lines? at any rate, all things considered anything can happen in this game. i have no other choice for this game. take the ducks for the win. QUACK!!! QUACK!!!

11-30 alabama @ auburn. the iron bowl. alabama favored by 10.5 points. plenty on the line here. bama took last week off by playing road kill state. something i just don’t get. auburn actually had the week off. two weeks to get ready for this home game. it’s nice when you can work the schedule for it to happen. auburn is doing well but i think the tide has to much going for it to drop this game. take alabama to cover and win. ROLL TIDE!!!

11-30 ohio st @ michigan. ohio st favored by 13.5 points. had big blue won last week this game would have had a bit more flavor going for it. still, probably a good game. out on a limb here and probably a crazy idea but i’m taking michigan to get inside the points. take big blue.

11-30 notre dame @ stanford. stanford favored by 14 points. the trees are back in the PAC (8)(10)12 driver seat. look at this game as a tune-up for the PAC championship game. and the domers are a good team to tune-up with. this game could go sideways but i’m taking the trees to win and cover.

11-30 florida st @ florida. no line. this is the noles game to lose. simple as that. take florida st to win.

11-30 ucla @ usc. usc favored by 3.5 points. crosstown rivals. cajun ed has the trojans fired up and they’re playing well and on a roll. ex coach lane thinks coach o should get the job. maybe. the bruins have backed themselves out of the PAC south title picture. will they show up this week ready to play? yeah, more than likely. after all it is lotus land bragging rights for the next year. a vague to slim chance of showers beginning turkey day and right up through saturday game time. it might make a difference if they do show up. not many points. call it a toss up. take the trojans to win and cover. FIGHT ON!!!

11-30 clemson @ s. carolina. s. carolina favored by 5 points. both schools took last week off and played sandlot flag football games against their younger and smaller cousins. a must win situation for clemson. which would be right where the old ball coach wants them on his home turf. another tide spread.
i’m taking the gamecocks to win and cover.

11-30 texas a&m @ missouri. missouri favored by 4.5 points. the tigers need to win. simple as that. johnny boy has probably played his way out of another heisman with a poor showing and a loss last week. another one of those, can they bounce back things. i’m of the mind now that johnny probably doesn’t win it again he’s got his mind and sights set on the NFL for next year. just sayin’. a slim margin for the tigers but take mizz to win and cover at home.

happy turkey day and week, my friends. mine will be rather subdued. an early morning ride out to visit the still recovering brown eyed girl in the hills of beverly then back here for whatever i can throw together resembling something vaguely turkey dayish and some TV football. dago red to be sure as well. be safe and be semi sane. especially out on the road over the holiday. “so, if you’re out tonight, don’t forget, if you’re riding your bike, wear white.”~~ jagger/richards

jmh

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